Q: Eric Democko - will the bills make the superbowl this year?
A: No.
Wait, let me think about this for a minute.
No.
And not just because I don’t like the Bills. They have a pretty easy schedule for the rest of the season (@ Rams, @ Cardinals, BYE, Chargers, @ Dolphins, Jets, @ Pats, Browns, @ Chiefs, 49ers, Dolphins, @ Jets, @ Broncos, Pats). I can find at least 6 wins in that list, and that’s more than enough for them to make the playoffs. But when you match the Bills against any other team likely to make the playoffs from the AFC (Jags, Colts, Pats just to name three) I’m not confident the Bills can prevail.
Of course I’ve been wrong before. But not about this.
Q: Karyn Graves - Which ballparks have the home team dugout along 3rd base instead of first and why? And is there an advantage of some kind?
A: Below is a list to answer the first part of this question. The "1" or a "3" next to the team name indicates the baseline of the home team.
Arizona Diamondbacks - 3
Atlanta Braves - 1
Baltimore Orioles - 1
Boston Red Sox - 1
Chicago Cubs - 3
Chicago White Sox - 3
Cincinnati Reds - 1
Cleveland Indians - 3
Colorado Rockies - 1
Detroit Tigers - 3
Florida Marlins - 1
Houston Astros - 1
Kansas City Royals - 1
Los Angeles Angels - 3
Los Angeles Dodgers - 3
Milwaukee Brewers - 1
Minnesota Twins - 3
New York Mets - 1
New York Yankees - 1
Oakland A's - 3
Philadelphia Phillies - 1
Pittsburgh Pirates - 3
San Diego Padres - 1
San Francisco Giants - 3
Seattle Mariners - 1
St. Louis Cardinals - 1
Tampa Bay Rays - 1
Texas Rangers - 1
Toronto Blue Jays - 3
Washington Nationals - 1
I’m less certain about why teams choose to have their dugouts where they do. It could be that they just picked the one that they liked the best. Maybe it’s connected to the nicer of the two clubhouses. I don’t really know. You can make the case for both sides, but I suspect that it just comes down to tradition for that particular team. The only advantage I could see would be environmental. The home team might prefer the dugout that is not facing into the sun. But I don’t think that’s a problem in any major league ballpark.
So in short I have no idea why teams choose to have their dugouts on the first or third base lines. Sorry I can’t shed more light.
Q: Adam Barnello - What are your thoughts about the Lebowski Sequel that's in the works? Does it worry you as much as it does me?
A: I had not heard that there is a Lebowski sequel in the works. My thoughts on the Lebowski franchise (assuming that there is a franchise) in general are mixed. Put simply, I just don’t get the movie. There are movies that are weird and strange that I enjoy. But Lebowski isn’t one of them. I’ve seen it, I laughed, but I don’t GET it. Maybe I haven’t ever watched it under the right conditions (read: drunk), and thus am missing out on some of the genius of the movie. Maybe I will eventually understand the nuances. But not today.
So to answer the second part of your question, no, it doesn’t worry me as much as it does you. I’m not as big a fan of the franchise as you are. Therefore I don’t care about it as much as you. But I hope all of your fears are unfounded and that the sequel lives up to all the dude-ness that it could be.
Q: Nicole Maloney - Maybe Mitssob knows the answer: How can I get Emerson (3months) to take a bottle?!?! I've tried everything I've read. help! (ok, not really expecting an answer here... but if you had one, I'm all ears)
A: Again with the baby questions! I find it amusing that all you parents out there are allowing me to potentially screw up your kids by asking me questions about them. But keep asking, if for no other reason than it gives me something to look back on if/when I become a parent so I can laugh at how ignorant I was.
I’ve spent a little time formulating (HA) my thoughts on this question, but unfortunately I’ve come up with more questions than answers. All I can hope is that my ramblings will help you out. Right at the start I need to disclose that this question has caused me to speculate about not only your breasts but also your breast milk. If that weirds you out then I’m sorry. In addition we’re going to shatter the record for the number of times the word “breast” is used in an answer. I’m trying to be mature about this, but I make no promises.
As I see it the challenge is to get the kid to understand that food can come from two places: your breasts and a bottle. So my first question for you is what are you putting in the bottle? [Ed: What do you expect, Tim? Beer? No, this isn’t Bill’s kid we’re talking about here.] Are you trying to get Emerson to drink formula or breast milk? That might make a difference. Do children know what milk tastes like? I’m not sure, but I can believe it’s possible. Therefore you’d want to make the experiences to be as similar as possible, so if you haven’t tried putting breast milk in the bottle then give that a try.
As to the more practical question of how to get the child to take the bottle, if you’re willing to be a little cruel then you could simply force the issue by denying him your breast. Hunger would eventually force the kid to take the bottle. At least in theory. Would I do this to my own kid (assuming for the moment that I could breastfeed)? No, after a few minutes of crying I’d feel pity and give in. Plus I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work.
Your question sparked a tangential question in my head: Why isn’t there a bottle that’s the size/shape/feel of a breast? It seems like a natural thing to have. Putting aside the obvious weirdness of how it would look (not to mention all the things that it would be used for by college students all over the country), wouldn’t a child be more likely to take a bottle that’s of a familiar size/shape/feel? Just thinking out loud here.
Mothers in the Jolinko community are invited to correct me on this question in the comments. Good luck, Nicole! And once more for good measure: “breast”.
Q: Jarsh Beckstein - Where in the world is Mitt Ssob?
A: Mitssob is currently in Rochester, NY, though that has been the exception rather than the rule since February when I took on new job responsibilities at work. My job now calls for me to travel around the country, meet with customers and potential customers, and provide engineering support for integration efforts. In English, I build small radio networks so that our sales guys can make sales and so that our engineers can gather test data. It's a lot of fun, if slightly chaotic at times.
Below is a partial list of the places I’ve been for this new line of work:
Paso Robles, CA (3 hours south of San Francisco)
Ridgecrest, CA (3 hours northeast of LA)
Kileen, TX (Fort Hood)
Fayetteville, NC (Fort Bragg)
Fort Walton Beach, FL
Eatontown, NJ (Fort Monmouth)
Baltimore, MD
San Diego, CA
As you can see I’ve been racking up the frequent flier miles and rental and hotel points. It’s been fun to be on the road. I’ve gotten to meet a lot of very interesting people, both in the military and in the Harris organization (sales and field service guys). I usually also have time to wander around and see some sights, and also eat some good local food.
Soon to be added to this list is Canberra, Australia (an hour flight from Sydney). I’m leaving on October 3 and returning October 11. I’ll provide full details of the trip once I get back, but I do want to share one interesting thing about the flight over there. I depart San Francisco on October 3 at about 7pm local time and land at 7:30am local time on October 5. By a quirk of the International Date Line I will not experience October 4. It’s very strange to think about. I hope nothing exciting happens on that date, because I won’t be around for it! I make up for it on the return trip, though. I depart from Sydney on October 11 at about 3:30pm and land in San Francisco at 8:30pm local time. I’m spending 14 hours in the air, but only 5 hours pass. All told I get to experience October 11 for about 34 hours, making it the longest day of my life.
So that's where Mitssob has been. I'll keep you all posted as to my movements as I make them.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Interview With The Mitssob (Part 1)
[Editor's note: We had planned on resuming "Ask Mitssob" at the beginning of September. Unfortunately we have not heard from the reclusive author in several weeks. We decided to visit him at his home to see what we could learn.]
Q: First off it's good to see you. How have you been?
A: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Q: I'm your editor. Don't you remember me? You used to write a feature for the online community Jolinko called "Ask Mitssob".
A: I did?
Q: You did.
A: And I had an editor?
Q: You did indeed.
A: Well isn't that something. What's your name?
Q: I'm [NAME DELETED]
A: Nice to meet you again.
Q: Likewise.
A: So what can I do for you today?
Q: I was wondering when you are planning to start taking questions again?
A: Well I'm pretty busy right now. I'm still getting settled in my house, and work has me traveling all over the place. Plus my band is still working on our second album.
Q: Those are pretty lame excuses, Tim.
A: I know.
Q: Well how about you start up again this weekend?
A: So soon?
Q: Sure. You've had a long enough vacation. It's time to get back on the horse and take the bull by the horns.
A: Um, ok. Sure. Sounds like a plan. I'll start taking questions again this weekend.
Q: Great! Now, when will you actually answer those questions? You got pretty lazy in the last few months of "Ask Mitssob".
A: I'll do my best to keep this on a weekly cadence.
Q: I've been thinking of taking this to a bigger audience. What do you think about making this a weekly feature on one of Jolinko's forums?
A: Moving to a larger audience has a certain appeal to it. More questions, more exposure. I'll think about it.
Q: Well thanks for taking the time to meet with me.
A: No problem. Drop by again sometime.
Q: First off it's good to see you. How have you been?
A: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Q: I'm your editor. Don't you remember me? You used to write a feature for the online community Jolinko called "Ask Mitssob".
A: I did?
Q: You did.
A: And I had an editor?
Q: You did indeed.
A: Well isn't that something. What's your name?
Q: I'm [NAME DELETED]
A: Nice to meet you again.
Q: Likewise.
A: So what can I do for you today?
Q: I was wondering when you are planning to start taking questions again?
A: Well I'm pretty busy right now. I'm still getting settled in my house, and work has me traveling all over the place. Plus my band is still working on our second album.
Q: Those are pretty lame excuses, Tim.
A: I know.
Q: Well how about you start up again this weekend?
A: So soon?
Q: Sure. You've had a long enough vacation. It's time to get back on the horse and take the bull by the horns.
A: Um, ok. Sure. Sounds like a plan. I'll start taking questions again this weekend.
Q: Great! Now, when will you actually answer those questions? You got pretty lazy in the last few months of "Ask Mitssob".
A: I'll do my best to keep this on a weekly cadence.
Q: I've been thinking of taking this to a bigger audience. What do you think about making this a weekly feature on one of Jolinko's forums?
A: Moving to a larger audience has a certain appeal to it. More questions, more exposure. I'll think about it.
Q: Well thanks for taking the time to meet with me.
A: No problem. Drop by again sometime.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
35 - Answer(s)
Q: Bill Jeffers - Paper or Plastic?
A: When I go to the grocery store I will always get plastic. The main reason for this is that I can use them as garbage bags in my home. I can also use them to store things, or transport them from place to place. They're quite handy, unlike the paper variety which tend to have a shorter after-supermarket life.
From an environmental standpoint, I think that paper as the more environmentally sensitive choice. This is because the trees that create paper bags can be regrown. Plastic bags are made from petroleum products, which is not as easily renewable. I know that there are energy output concerns stemming from the production of each of these. For paper bags you have to cut the tree down, transport the tree to a processing facility, process it, then ship the finished product. For a plastic bag I'm less sure about how much it takes to make one. I would assume that they start from a single sheet of plastic and get formed, but I really don't know.
Q: Jarsh Beckstein - Why are boxing/wrestling "rings" square and ofter referred to as the square circle?
A: I'll take the lazy way out of this answer and just paste from the wikipedia article on boxing rings:
The name ring is an atavism from when contests were fought in a roughly drawn circle on the ground. The name ring continued with the Jack Broughton rules in 1743, which specifed a small circle in the centre of the fight area where the boxers met at the start of each round. The first square ring was introduced by the Pugilistic Society in 1838. That ring was specified as 24 feet square and bound by two ropes. For these and other reasons, the boxing ring is commonly humorously referred to as the "square circle."
Q: Joe Zaffarano - Why do women wear evening gowns to night clubs? Why don't they wear nightgowns?
A: First off, I don't believe that women wear evening gowns to night clubs. I don't frequent night clubs, but I imagine that an evening gown worn at a night club might cramp one's style. I think that evening gowns are more appropriately worn when out at a fashionable party.
But I take the meaning of your question. Why "evening" and not "night". To me a "nightgown" implies that the article of clothing will be worn all the way through the night and to the next day. "Evening" implies that it will be worn out to be seen, and then removed when one returns home. I don't think it's any more complicated than that.
Q: Brett Gobe - Now that you are home owner, have you found a rug that will really tie the room together?
A: Not yet, but I hope to. My house has a lot of hardwood floors, and I will definitely be in search for a rug that will tie the room together. Just don't pee on my fucking rug, Gobe. You don't fuck with the mitssob.
For those of you not aware I have recently become a homeowner. Well, that's a bit of a stretch. I have put an offer on a house, my offer has been accepted, and now the lawyers and agents are doing whatever it is that lawyers and agents do. The closing date is July 30th, and then they're going to move out on August 11th. My lease runs out on August 31, so I've got 3 weeks to move. That will be a challenge, but one that I'm looking forward to.
Thanks to everyone who has submitted questions. I'll be posting here, and also starting up a couple of new online projects in the coming weeks. But "Ask Mitssob" will return. See you all later.
A: When I go to the grocery store I will always get plastic. The main reason for this is that I can use them as garbage bags in my home. I can also use them to store things, or transport them from place to place. They're quite handy, unlike the paper variety which tend to have a shorter after-supermarket life.
From an environmental standpoint, I think that paper as the more environmentally sensitive choice. This is because the trees that create paper bags can be regrown. Plastic bags are made from petroleum products, which is not as easily renewable. I know that there are energy output concerns stemming from the production of each of these. For paper bags you have to cut the tree down, transport the tree to a processing facility, process it, then ship the finished product. For a plastic bag I'm less sure about how much it takes to make one. I would assume that they start from a single sheet of plastic and get formed, but I really don't know.
Q: Jarsh Beckstein - Why are boxing/wrestling "rings" square and ofter referred to as the square circle?
A: I'll take the lazy way out of this answer and just paste from the wikipedia article on boxing rings:
The name ring is an atavism from when contests were fought in a roughly drawn circle on the ground. The name ring continued with the Jack Broughton rules in 1743, which specifed a small circle in the centre of the fight area where the boxers met at the start of each round. The first square ring was introduced by the Pugilistic Society in 1838. That ring was specified as 24 feet square and bound by two ropes. For these and other reasons, the boxing ring is commonly humorously referred to as the "square circle."
Q: Joe Zaffarano - Why do women wear evening gowns to night clubs? Why don't they wear nightgowns?
A: First off, I don't believe that women wear evening gowns to night clubs. I don't frequent night clubs, but I imagine that an evening gown worn at a night club might cramp one's style. I think that evening gowns are more appropriately worn when out at a fashionable party.
But I take the meaning of your question. Why "evening" and not "night". To me a "nightgown" implies that the article of clothing will be worn all the way through the night and to the next day. "Evening" implies that it will be worn out to be seen, and then removed when one returns home. I don't think it's any more complicated than that.
Q: Brett Gobe - Now that you are home owner, have you found a rug that will really tie the room together?
A: Not yet, but I hope to. My house has a lot of hardwood floors, and I will definitely be in search for a rug that will tie the room together. Just don't pee on my fucking rug, Gobe. You don't fuck with the mitssob.
For those of you not aware I have recently become a homeowner. Well, that's a bit of a stretch. I have put an offer on a house, my offer has been accepted, and now the lawyers and agents are doing whatever it is that lawyers and agents do. The closing date is July 30th, and then they're going to move out on August 11th. My lease runs out on August 31, so I've got 3 weeks to move. That will be a challenge, but one that I'm looking forward to.
Thanks to everyone who has submitted questions. I'll be posting here, and also starting up a couple of new online projects in the coming weeks. But "Ask Mitssob" will return. See you all later.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
34 - Answer(s)
Q: Jarsh Beckstein - What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
A: According to the movie Hot Shots! Part Deux, he yells "Meeeeee!!!". Of course, this is ridiculous. Geronimo died on February 17th, 1909, only 6 years after the Wright Brothers made the first powered human flight. Thus, it was unlikely that he ever flew on a plane, much less jumped from one. Doing a bit more research I learned that the first parachute jump from an airplane was done by a man named Grant Morton in 1911. Again, this is after Geronimo's death. I will therefore conclude that Geronimo never jumped out of a plane, and therefore never said anything as he did so.
I assume that you're asking this question because of the long-held tradition of yelling "GERONIMO!" when jumping from a great height. I didn't know where this came from, but I dug around a bit and found this site. It's a really interesting story about how the tradition started. Short version: A paratrooper named Private Aubrey Eberhardt and three of his fellow paratroopers watched the movie Geronimo the night before their first jump. Inspired, Private Eberhardt decided to yell out "Geronimo" during the jump as a way of indicating that all was well. The full story is quite interesting, and I recommend reading it.
Q: Bill Jeffers - Why don't we call a banana a yellow?
A: I will assume (two assumptions in one "Ask Mitssob"...a new record) that you're asking this question because the fruit we know as the orange derives its name from its color. Well, an orange is orange starting very early in its development as a fruit, and keeps its color until it turns green because it got covered in mold because you left it in your refrigerator for too long. A banana, on the other hand, starts out green, and then gradually takes on a yellow color, before finally turning brown because, again, you left it in the refrigerator for too long. The lesson: eat your fruit before it goes bad.
Q: Joe Zaffarano - What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
A: Congratulations, Joe! You've officially asked the first repeat question in the history of "Ask Mitssob". Your prize? You get to drink from the FIRE HOSE!
No, seriously, you get a brand new answer, from a totally different source. I stumbled onto this page at style.org. The author does a much better job of answering the question than I could ever do, so I'll let him do the talking. Enjoy!
Q: Brett Gobe - Can you cite your sources?
A: Yes.
Q: Eric Democko - what are the origins of Cinco de Mayo? and Cinco de Moustache?
A: Cinco de Mayo is a holiday celebrated in the state of Puebla, Mexico to commemorate a victory by Mexican forces over the French in the Battle of Puebla. It is not a celebration of Mexican independence, which takes place on September 16. The date has taken on significance in America similar to that of St. Patrick's Day. That is, it is used as both a celebration of national pride, and an excuse to drink.
Cinco de Moustache is a party thrown annually on or about the 5th of May by Chris Page. How exactly it came about I'm not sure. I will defer to Page on this one. If he wants to answer in the comments section then he will, otherwise I'll go interview him and get you a more complete answer soon.
Q: Brett Gobe - I WANT THE TRUTH!
A: Not to get overly psychological about this, but have you ever considered the possibility that you might not? The majority of people want to hear that which conforms with their worldview, regardless of how true it is. If the truth clashes with your worldview it can be very disorienting. You may attempt to disregard the truth, or maybe bend the truth to fit your worldview. You may also develop cognitive dissonance, or other psychological problems.
But I believe that you really do want the truth, Gobe. Unfortunately...
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
A: According to the movie Hot Shots! Part Deux, he yells "Meeeeee!!!". Of course, this is ridiculous. Geronimo died on February 17th, 1909, only 6 years after the Wright Brothers made the first powered human flight. Thus, it was unlikely that he ever flew on a plane, much less jumped from one. Doing a bit more research I learned that the first parachute jump from an airplane was done by a man named Grant Morton in 1911. Again, this is after Geronimo's death. I will therefore conclude that Geronimo never jumped out of a plane, and therefore never said anything as he did so.
I assume that you're asking this question because of the long-held tradition of yelling "GERONIMO!" when jumping from a great height. I didn't know where this came from, but I dug around a bit and found this site. It's a really interesting story about how the tradition started. Short version: A paratrooper named Private Aubrey Eberhardt and three of his fellow paratroopers watched the movie Geronimo the night before their first jump. Inspired, Private Eberhardt decided to yell out "Geronimo" during the jump as a way of indicating that all was well. The full story is quite interesting, and I recommend reading it.
Q: Bill Jeffers - Why don't we call a banana a yellow?
A: I will assume (two assumptions in one "Ask Mitssob"...a new record) that you're asking this question because the fruit we know as the orange derives its name from its color. Well, an orange is orange starting very early in its development as a fruit, and keeps its color until it turns green because it got covered in mold because you left it in your refrigerator for too long. A banana, on the other hand, starts out green, and then gradually takes on a yellow color, before finally turning brown because, again, you left it in the refrigerator for too long. The lesson: eat your fruit before it goes bad.
Q: Joe Zaffarano - What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
A: Congratulations, Joe! You've officially asked the first repeat question in the history of "Ask Mitssob". Your prize? You get to drink from the FIRE HOSE!
No, seriously, you get a brand new answer, from a totally different source. I stumbled onto this page at style.org. The author does a much better job of answering the question than I could ever do, so I'll let him do the talking. Enjoy!
Q: Brett Gobe - Can you cite your sources?
A: Yes.
Q: Eric Democko - what are the origins of Cinco de Mayo? and Cinco de Moustache?
A: Cinco de Mayo is a holiday celebrated in the state of Puebla, Mexico to commemorate a victory by Mexican forces over the French in the Battle of Puebla. It is not a celebration of Mexican independence, which takes place on September 16. The date has taken on significance in America similar to that of St. Patrick's Day. That is, it is used as both a celebration of national pride, and an excuse to drink.
Cinco de Moustache is a party thrown annually on or about the 5th of May by Chris Page. How exactly it came about I'm not sure. I will defer to Page on this one. If he wants to answer in the comments section then he will, otherwise I'll go interview him and get you a more complete answer soon.
Q: Brett Gobe - I WANT THE TRUTH!
A: Not to get overly psychological about this, but have you ever considered the possibility that you might not? The majority of people want to hear that which conforms with their worldview, regardless of how true it is. If the truth clashes with your worldview it can be very disorienting. You may attempt to disregard the truth, or maybe bend the truth to fit your worldview. You may also develop cognitive dissonance, or other psychological problems.
But I believe that you really do want the truth, Gobe. Unfortunately...
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
Friday, April 25, 2008
33 - Answer(s)
Q: Brett Gobe - Why are barns red?
A: In the 1800's the paint used to coat the outside of a barn was made of a mixture of milk, lime, linseed oil, and either iron oxide or lead oxide. It was this last ingredient that gave the barn its classic red color. As commercially produced paints became available, red was apparently the color that was the cheapest to produce, and thus was popular with farmers. As time went on, eventually whitewash became even cheaper, leading many farmers to paint their barns white. Today the color is maintained largely as tradition, though you can find barns of all colors and designs if you go looking hard enough.
Q: Bill Jeffers - Why DO we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
A: I can actually answer this classic question. No, really, I can. Just give me a minute and I think you'll be satisfied.
The answer to the first part of the question can be found by tracing back the meaning of the word "parkway". A parkway was originally a road that lead to and passed through a park or other scenic area. Thus the "park" part of the word "parkway" is literal, which I find interesting. As automobiles became popular new parkways were built. These were usually wide roads with landscaped medians, and while they still often lead to parks they also began to include longer scenic drives. Today a parkway generally means that it serves passenger vehicles only, and there are usually lower speed limits on them than on other highways.
And that's why you drive on a parkway.
The second part of the question is harder. A "driveway" is defined as a private road leading up to one or more buildings. Technically this includes the short little strips of asphalt that are in front of most houses, though I would really classify those as parking spots rather than a real driveway. In fact, that's my answer to the question. You don't really park in your driveway. You drive on your driveway until you reach the parking spots in front of your house.
Satisfied? No? Well I like the answer, and more to the point it's all you're going to get out of me on this one.
Q: Bill Jeffers - HURRY THE FUCK UP AND ANSWER ALREADY!!!
A: Done and done. You know, while you're waiting for my witty answers you should head on over to my newly-established poetry site and sample some of my other writings.
A: In the 1800's the paint used to coat the outside of a barn was made of a mixture of milk, lime, linseed oil, and either iron oxide or lead oxide. It was this last ingredient that gave the barn its classic red color. As commercially produced paints became available, red was apparently the color that was the cheapest to produce, and thus was popular with farmers. As time went on, eventually whitewash became even cheaper, leading many farmers to paint their barns white. Today the color is maintained largely as tradition, though you can find barns of all colors and designs if you go looking hard enough.
Q: Bill Jeffers - Why DO we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
A: I can actually answer this classic question. No, really, I can. Just give me a minute and I think you'll be satisfied.
The answer to the first part of the question can be found by tracing back the meaning of the word "parkway". A parkway was originally a road that lead to and passed through a park or other scenic area. Thus the "park" part of the word "parkway" is literal, which I find interesting. As automobiles became popular new parkways were built. These were usually wide roads with landscaped medians, and while they still often lead to parks they also began to include longer scenic drives. Today a parkway generally means that it serves passenger vehicles only, and there are usually lower speed limits on them than on other highways.
And that's why you drive on a parkway.
The second part of the question is harder. A "driveway" is defined as a private road leading up to one or more buildings. Technically this includes the short little strips of asphalt that are in front of most houses, though I would really classify those as parking spots rather than a real driveway. In fact, that's my answer to the question. You don't really park in your driveway. You drive on your driveway until you reach the parking spots in front of your house.
Satisfied? No? Well I like the answer, and more to the point it's all you're going to get out of me on this one.
Q: Bill Jeffers - HURRY THE FUCK UP AND ANSWER ALREADY!!!
A: Done and done. You know, while you're waiting for my witty answers you should head on over to my newly-established poetry site and sample some of my other writings.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
32 - Answer(s)
Q: Jarsh Beckstein - If not hydrogen in the near future, then what?
A: This topic is a very complicated one. It's hard for me to stay focused on one aspect of it for very long before venturing off to another area. Let me start by talking about current technologies that could be applied to automobiles, and why I think they're either going to stick around or get swept aside. That should lead us to a short-term answer. If I end up on some random tangent, I'll try to get back on track quickly.
But before I talk about the technologies I need to frame this issue a bit by asking a question: what is the point? What is the goal here? Is it to reduce "fossil fuel" emissions? Is it to reduce America's dependance on foreign sources of energy? Is it to stop using "fossil fuels" altogether? I don't have an answer to this question, and because of that the issue becomes hopelessly complicated very quickly. I won't try to answer it here, but I'll keep the question in mind as I continue this answer.
Hydrocarbons
Why do I use the term "hydrocarbons"? Why not just call it "oil" or "fossil fuels"? First, because I like to be technically accurate in my language. I lump in not just gasoline and diesel, but also liquified coal, natural gas, and other more exotic hydrocarbon fuels. Second, because there is a lot of negative stereotyping of the term "fossil fuels". I'm trying to get emotion out of the discussion about energy, even though I know that it's nearly impossible.
I think that these sources of energy will continue to power our automobiles for the near and far terms. There are many reasons, not the least of which is that the world is nowhere near running out of sources of hydrocarbon energy. Another reason is legacy. We drive internal combustion automobiles, and we have over a century of experience in the technologies behind them. Will they continue to be gasoline? I don't think so. There are currently cleaner-burning diesel fuels hitting the market, and the cars that run them are making their way across the pond to America. The other more exotic hydrocarbon fuels may eventually make their way into cars, but that's a little further away.
Ethanol
Ethanol has the advantage of being both a fuel source and an additive to current gasoline fuel systems. This means that a new infrastructure isn't necessary, only an addition to current fuel stations. Unfortunately there are many problems with ethanol that in my opinion will lead to its collapse as a fuel replacement. There are consequences that proponents of ethanol either failed to account for or failed to see coming. The first big one is a spike in food prices as corn that was once slated for human consumption is converted over to fuel. The second is that the growth of the amount of corn it would take for ethanol to become a significant portion of America's fuel supply would require burning a large amount more fossil fuels than currently needed. Third, ethanol puts out more fossil fuel emissions than gasoline alone, at little to no gain in performance.
Ultimately I think that ethanol was jumped on by politicians before the true nature of it was fully understood. This is unfortunate, because it does have some potential, but the technology still needs to be worked out before it is adopted. Other sources of ethanol, such as switchgrass and sugarcane may provide better results than corn. Time will tell, but as far as a true short-term solution I'm not holding my breath.
Electric
Of all the short-term solutions I like this one the best. Electricity can be efficiently generated, and electrically driven cars do not generate any byproducts. They're quiet, clean, and thus have a lot of appeal. There are some technical problems that must be solved before electric vehicles can truly replace hydrocarbon-based cars. The first big one is battery technology. In order for automobiles to be able to run effectively on electricity new and improved technologies must be developed to store that electricity. Currently plug-in electric cars don't have as much range as gasoline or diesel vehicles. Once batteries exist that can store the energy more efficiently, however, electric will take off very quickly.
So what's my final answer? Hydrocarbons will be the source of energy, with a transition over to electric. Am I right? The fun thing about the future is that it hasn't happened yet. We'll just have to wait around and see.
Q: Eric Democko - Who was St. Patrick and why is he so popular?
A: St. Patrick was born in 378AD, and died on March 17th of either 461 or 493 (there is historical debate on that point). He lived in slavery from about age 14 to age 20, escaping after having a dream in which God called him to return to Ireland. He was eventually ordained a bishop and began a life-long quest to bring Christianity to Ireland.
Two interesting things about the man that I learned in my research for this answer. The first is the meaning of the legend of how St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland. Like many legends it is not literally true, but rather it serves as a metaphor for how his quest to convert Ireland to Christianity resulted in the ending of various pagan practices, including worshiping serpents. Interesting stuff, and it makes some historical sense. The second is with regards to the shamrock, and why he is associated with it. Apparently he used the shamrock to teach about the holy trinity (the father, son, and holy spirit). It's a simple teaching tool, and again, it makes sense.
For more information, the Catholic Online website has a brief biography of St. Patrick. The Catholic Encyclopedia has a more complete and detailed history of the man.
A: This topic is a very complicated one. It's hard for me to stay focused on one aspect of it for very long before venturing off to another area. Let me start by talking about current technologies that could be applied to automobiles, and why I think they're either going to stick around or get swept aside. That should lead us to a short-term answer. If I end up on some random tangent, I'll try to get back on track quickly.
But before I talk about the technologies I need to frame this issue a bit by asking a question: what is the point? What is the goal here? Is it to reduce "fossil fuel" emissions? Is it to reduce America's dependance on foreign sources of energy? Is it to stop using "fossil fuels" altogether? I don't have an answer to this question, and because of that the issue becomes hopelessly complicated very quickly. I won't try to answer it here, but I'll keep the question in mind as I continue this answer.
Hydrocarbons
Why do I use the term "hydrocarbons"? Why not just call it "oil" or "fossil fuels"? First, because I like to be technically accurate in my language. I lump in not just gasoline and diesel, but also liquified coal, natural gas, and other more exotic hydrocarbon fuels. Second, because there is a lot of negative stereotyping of the term "fossil fuels". I'm trying to get emotion out of the discussion about energy, even though I know that it's nearly impossible.
I think that these sources of energy will continue to power our automobiles for the near and far terms. There are many reasons, not the least of which is that the world is nowhere near running out of sources of hydrocarbon energy. Another reason is legacy. We drive internal combustion automobiles, and we have over a century of experience in the technologies behind them. Will they continue to be gasoline? I don't think so. There are currently cleaner-burning diesel fuels hitting the market, and the cars that run them are making their way across the pond to America. The other more exotic hydrocarbon fuels may eventually make their way into cars, but that's a little further away.
Ethanol
Ethanol has the advantage of being both a fuel source and an additive to current gasoline fuel systems. This means that a new infrastructure isn't necessary, only an addition to current fuel stations. Unfortunately there are many problems with ethanol that in my opinion will lead to its collapse as a fuel replacement. There are consequences that proponents of ethanol either failed to account for or failed to see coming. The first big one is a spike in food prices as corn that was once slated for human consumption is converted over to fuel. The second is that the growth of the amount of corn it would take for ethanol to become a significant portion of America's fuel supply would require burning a large amount more fossil fuels than currently needed. Third, ethanol puts out more fossil fuel emissions than gasoline alone, at little to no gain in performance.
Ultimately I think that ethanol was jumped on by politicians before the true nature of it was fully understood. This is unfortunate, because it does have some potential, but the technology still needs to be worked out before it is adopted. Other sources of ethanol, such as switchgrass and sugarcane may provide better results than corn. Time will tell, but as far as a true short-term solution I'm not holding my breath.
Electric
Of all the short-term solutions I like this one the best. Electricity can be efficiently generated, and electrically driven cars do not generate any byproducts. They're quiet, clean, and thus have a lot of appeal. There are some technical problems that must be solved before electric vehicles can truly replace hydrocarbon-based cars. The first big one is battery technology. In order for automobiles to be able to run effectively on electricity new and improved technologies must be developed to store that electricity. Currently plug-in electric cars don't have as much range as gasoline or diesel vehicles. Once batteries exist that can store the energy more efficiently, however, electric will take off very quickly.
So what's my final answer? Hydrocarbons will be the source of energy, with a transition over to electric. Am I right? The fun thing about the future is that it hasn't happened yet. We'll just have to wait around and see.
Q: Eric Democko - Who was St. Patrick and why is he so popular?
A: St. Patrick was born in 378AD, and died on March 17th of either 461 or 493 (there is historical debate on that point). He lived in slavery from about age 14 to age 20, escaping after having a dream in which God called him to return to Ireland. He was eventually ordained a bishop and began a life-long quest to bring Christianity to Ireland.
Two interesting things about the man that I learned in my research for this answer. The first is the meaning of the legend of how St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland. Like many legends it is not literally true, but rather it serves as a metaphor for how his quest to convert Ireland to Christianity resulted in the ending of various pagan practices, including worshiping serpents. Interesting stuff, and it makes some historical sense. The second is with regards to the shamrock, and why he is associated with it. Apparently he used the shamrock to teach about the holy trinity (the father, son, and holy spirit). It's a simple teaching tool, and again, it makes sense.
For more information, the Catholic Online website has a brief biography of St. Patrick. The Catholic Encyclopedia has a more complete and detailed history of the man.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
31 - Answer(s)
Q: Brett Gobe - Are you going to the Wu Tang Clan show at the Armory on 4/20?
A: No.
Q: Bill Jeffers - Damnit, Brett beat me to it...or something. So 420 is supposedly the police code for marijuana, any other cool codes we should know? Like Statutory?
A: First, contrary to popular belief "420" is not the police code for marijuana. For the background on the origins of "420", check out this page at Snopes for a good explanation. Basically, 4:20 was the time that a group of high school students in San Rafael, CA gathered to smoke marijuana after school in 1971. I'm not sure how it entered popular language, but it's here now.
To answer your other question, here is a "nearly-complete" list of police codes. As far as I can find, there is no specific police code for statutory. Which is a bummer because it would have been useful as a title for my band's next album. The codes I find interesting are 59 (Criminal Mischief), 19 (Drunk), 415e (Loud Music or Party), and 23109 (Speed Contest). It's a pretty interesting list, actually.
Q: Joe Zaffarano - Who would win in a fight, Jack Bauer or John McClane?
A: Unfortunately I don't have the time to tackle this one in as much detail as last episode's blockbuster submarine showdown. However, I have been thinking about this question for the past two weeks, and I've got a few observations to make on the subject.
First, let's give some background on the characters. Jack Bauer (Wikipedia page, Fox Profile) is the main character of the TV series 24, played by Kiefer Sutherland. He has held various roles in CTU (the Counter-Terrorist Unit), which is the main organization of the show. He is a man of action, and a well-trained killer. He has used extreme force to extract information from subjects throughout the show's six seasons, and has saved the nation several times. His wife is dead (for spoiler reasons I won't elaborate beyond that), and he has a daughter who is in constant peril throughout the first three seasons (and briefly in the fifth).
John McLane (Wikipedia page) is the main character of the Die Hard movie series. He is the quintessential "right guy in the right place at the right time", though he doesn't ever see it that way at the time in the movies. He is a police officer in the NYPD in all but the second movie (where he is a member of the LAPD). He has built up a great deal of experience in counter-terrorism throughout the four movies, though apparently he has no formal training. He is a man of action who kills without hesitation when called upon to do so. He is divorced from his wife as of the final movie, and he has two children, one of whom factors into the fourth movie.
Now that we've gotten the biographies out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff. First we need to define "fight". As I see it, the two areas of fighting that are the most important are hand-to-hand, and pistols.
Hand-To-Hand Combat
Jack Bauer has extensive training in hand-to-hand combat. He has dispatched of only a few terrorists this way, however. Generally he subdues them instead, then brings them in for questioning. John McLane uses hand-to-hand combat more often than Jack does, but he does so in more of a brawling way. He doesn't seem to have a lot of real training, but he somehow manages to always come out on top. So the battle between them is really a battle of the training of Jack Bauer vs. the luck of John McLane. In my opinion, training wins. Jack Bauer would beat John McLane in hand-to-hand combat, but he would definitely suffer as a result of the encounter.
Pistol Combat
The weapon of choice for both men is the pistol. Jack Bauer has used a pistol (often silenced) to almost super-human effect throughout the history of 24. One joke I've heard is that Jack Bauer never misses, he was just shooting a terrorist several miles away that the viewer can't see. John McLane has similar luck with his pistol. In the third movie he even used a revolver to take down a helicopter. Given the skill (and luck) of both men, I think that this category is a draw (no pun intended). Both of these men are well-trained in the use of their pistols, and I think that it's only a matter of time before one wins. But I have no idea which one that would be. It depends on the terrain, how much ammunition each one has, and how much danger they are in.
Of course, the real answer to this question is "neither". The reason for this is that both of these men are good guys. The good guy cannot lose in a fight. Therefore you have a situation similar to the internet joke about stapling a piece of buttered toast (which always lands butter-side-down) to the back of a cat (which always lands on its feet). Both must hit the ground, and so neither can hit the ground. A fight between these two American icon would be the same way. It would be highly entertaining, however.
Q: Jarsh Beckstein - Is hydrogen power the future of the automobile?
A: Short answer: yes. Long(ish) answer: Not for a long time.
Much of the public and media's focus on hydrogen power has been placed on the direct output of a hydrogen fuel system (namely water). Very little focus has gone into what it takes to get the hydrogen into the fuel system in the first place. Presently hydrogen has many disadvantages to the current fossil fuel system that is currently in place around the world. It is hard to manufacture, hard to transport, and hard to store. You have to expend a tremendous amount of energy just to get the hydrogen in the first place, unlike fossil fuels which must only be refined. Then once you have it, it must be kept super-cooled in order to maintain its liquid form, which makes transportation and storage difficult. Strange as it sounds, gasoline and diesel are safer and easier to transport and store than hydrogen.
Now, in the future will technologies exist to answer these concerns? Yes. Absolutely. These points I'm bringing up are not meant to defend fossil fuels or detract from hydrogen. I'm just trying to explain the situation we have in the world today. And I don't see that situation changing in the near future (which I define as the next 50 years). There are many untapped sources of fossil fuel energy, including tar sands, shale oil (literally squeezing oil from rocks), and deep-ocean reservoirs. The technology exists to extract fossil fuel from these sources, and that technology will only improve. Therefore I believe that the fossil fuel system will remain in place for quite a long time. Will your children be driving hydrogen cars one day? I'd say so. But exactly when is anyone's guess.
Q: Adam Barnello - Why does salt taste so good?
A: Your body needs salt in order to function properly. Therefore your mind tells you that salt tastes good because it knows you need it. Nothing more complicated than that.
A: No.
Q: Bill Jeffers - Damnit, Brett beat me to it...or something. So 420 is supposedly the police code for marijuana, any other cool codes we should know? Like Statutory?
A: First, contrary to popular belief "420" is not the police code for marijuana. For the background on the origins of "420", check out this page at Snopes for a good explanation. Basically, 4:20 was the time that a group of high school students in San Rafael, CA gathered to smoke marijuana after school in 1971. I'm not sure how it entered popular language, but it's here now.
To answer your other question, here is a "nearly-complete" list of police codes. As far as I can find, there is no specific police code for statutory. Which is a bummer because it would have been useful as a title for my band's next album. The codes I find interesting are 59 (Criminal Mischief), 19 (Drunk), 415e (Loud Music or Party), and 23109 (Speed Contest). It's a pretty interesting list, actually.
Q: Joe Zaffarano - Who would win in a fight, Jack Bauer or John McClane?
A: Unfortunately I don't have the time to tackle this one in as much detail as last episode's blockbuster submarine showdown. However, I have been thinking about this question for the past two weeks, and I've got a few observations to make on the subject.
First, let's give some background on the characters. Jack Bauer (Wikipedia page, Fox Profile) is the main character of the TV series 24, played by Kiefer Sutherland. He has held various roles in CTU (the Counter-Terrorist Unit), which is the main organization of the show. He is a man of action, and a well-trained killer. He has used extreme force to extract information from subjects throughout the show's six seasons, and has saved the nation several times. His wife is dead (for spoiler reasons I won't elaborate beyond that), and he has a daughter who is in constant peril throughout the first three seasons (and briefly in the fifth).
John McLane (Wikipedia page) is the main character of the Die Hard movie series. He is the quintessential "right guy in the right place at the right time", though he doesn't ever see it that way at the time in the movies. He is a police officer in the NYPD in all but the second movie (where he is a member of the LAPD). He has built up a great deal of experience in counter-terrorism throughout the four movies, though apparently he has no formal training. He is a man of action who kills without hesitation when called upon to do so. He is divorced from his wife as of the final movie, and he has two children, one of whom factors into the fourth movie.
Now that we've gotten the biographies out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff. First we need to define "fight". As I see it, the two areas of fighting that are the most important are hand-to-hand, and pistols.
Hand-To-Hand Combat
Jack Bauer has extensive training in hand-to-hand combat. He has dispatched of only a few terrorists this way, however. Generally he subdues them instead, then brings them in for questioning. John McLane uses hand-to-hand combat more often than Jack does, but he does so in more of a brawling way. He doesn't seem to have a lot of real training, but he somehow manages to always come out on top. So the battle between them is really a battle of the training of Jack Bauer vs. the luck of John McLane. In my opinion, training wins. Jack Bauer would beat John McLane in hand-to-hand combat, but he would definitely suffer as a result of the encounter.
Pistol Combat
The weapon of choice for both men is the pistol. Jack Bauer has used a pistol (often silenced) to almost super-human effect throughout the history of 24. One joke I've heard is that Jack Bauer never misses, he was just shooting a terrorist several miles away that the viewer can't see. John McLane has similar luck with his pistol. In the third movie he even used a revolver to take down a helicopter. Given the skill (and luck) of both men, I think that this category is a draw (no pun intended). Both of these men are well-trained in the use of their pistols, and I think that it's only a matter of time before one wins. But I have no idea which one that would be. It depends on the terrain, how much ammunition each one has, and how much danger they are in.
Of course, the real answer to this question is "neither". The reason for this is that both of these men are good guys. The good guy cannot lose in a fight. Therefore you have a situation similar to the internet joke about stapling a piece of buttered toast (which always lands butter-side-down) to the back of a cat (which always lands on its feet). Both must hit the ground, and so neither can hit the ground. A fight between these two American icon would be the same way. It would be highly entertaining, however.
Q: Jarsh Beckstein - Is hydrogen power the future of the automobile?
A: Short answer: yes. Long(ish) answer: Not for a long time.
Much of the public and media's focus on hydrogen power has been placed on the direct output of a hydrogen fuel system (namely water). Very little focus has gone into what it takes to get the hydrogen into the fuel system in the first place. Presently hydrogen has many disadvantages to the current fossil fuel system that is currently in place around the world. It is hard to manufacture, hard to transport, and hard to store. You have to expend a tremendous amount of energy just to get the hydrogen in the first place, unlike fossil fuels which must only be refined. Then once you have it, it must be kept super-cooled in order to maintain its liquid form, which makes transportation and storage difficult. Strange as it sounds, gasoline and diesel are safer and easier to transport and store than hydrogen.
Now, in the future will technologies exist to answer these concerns? Yes. Absolutely. These points I'm bringing up are not meant to defend fossil fuels or detract from hydrogen. I'm just trying to explain the situation we have in the world today. And I don't see that situation changing in the near future (which I define as the next 50 years). There are many untapped sources of fossil fuel energy, including tar sands, shale oil (literally squeezing oil from rocks), and deep-ocean reservoirs. The technology exists to extract fossil fuel from these sources, and that technology will only improve. Therefore I believe that the fossil fuel system will remain in place for quite a long time. Will your children be driving hydrogen cars one day? I'd say so. But exactly when is anyone's guess.
Q: Adam Barnello - Why does salt taste so good?
A: Your body needs salt in order to function properly. Therefore your mind tells you that salt tastes good because it knows you need it. Nothing more complicated than that.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
30 - Answer(s)
Q: Bill Jeffers - I know you hate predictions, but what is going to be the next crappy genre of music? Or is everything all used up and we'll be limited to artists sampling other artists sampling other artists forever?
A: I think that the next "crappy" genre of music won't be a distinct genre, but rather a merging of distinct genres into something new. I spent some time listening to pop tunes on the radio to research this question, and what I noticed was a curious blend of country, rock, and R&B. Often times there was an over-produced feel to the song, especially in the bass and drums, which felt very electronic and processed. I think that this trend is likely to continue, though I'm not sure what you'd end up calling the resulting "genre", if anything.
On a side note, I also felt like all the songs were the same, at least in lyrical content. Angst, anger, "my girl/boy left me", etc. There wasn't anything original or particularly interesting in the lyrics. I know that doesn't really depend on the genre, but it's something I noticed as a songwriter.
If I had to guess about a current genre that will make a breakthrough to the mainstream (like swing did in the late 90's) I would guess bluegrass. Seriously. Country is already very popular, and the bluegrass feel could translate very well into the mainstream of pop music. It's different without being TOO different, and is also very danceable. Keep an eye out for it, folks!
To answer the second part of your question, mathematically speaking there are only a certain number of chord arrangements that can be made. Of course that number increases because of the variability in the length of songs, but when you're talking about a typical three-minute pop tune you're pretty boxed in. The good-sounding chord progressions are often taken, and so some artists solve this dilemma by "sampling". I've never liked the concept of sampling. I feel that it's a very lazy practice. Unfortunately the music consuming public does not agree with me, and so I don't think it's going to go anywhere unless there is a public backlash against it. And I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Q: Brett Gobe - Crimson Tide or The Hunt for Red October?
A: First, this is going to be the longest answer in "Ask Mitssob" history. By a long shot. In fact, I was so inspired by this question that I enlisted Allison's help to ensure a more complete answer. Together we came up with a list of categories that the movies should be rated on, ranging from the serious to the slightly disturbing. Then we went through and watched both films and made notes according to those categories. The results of our work follows. Enjoy!
Title
CT: Crimson Tide. What is "Crimson Tide?" A new variety of the detergent? Is it like the red tide? I don't know.
THFRO: The Hunt for Red October. Simple, direct, descriptive, slightly menacing.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Plot
CT: A radical general has taken advantage of tense political situation involving the Russian response to a Chechnian revolt. The US has gotten involved, and a General named Vladimir Radchenko is using this as an excuse to incite conflict. A state of civil war exists in Russia. Against this backdrop the USS Alabama is deployed to the region in case things get out of hand, which they eventually do. The Captain and XO fight for control of the ship when their orders to launch their ICBMs at Russia come into question. (Allison's Plot Summary: The damn printer doesn't work!)
THFRO: At the height of the Cold War a brand-new typhoon-class submarine is taken by a captain intent on defection. The Soviet navy is informed of this by that captain, and send the entire fleet to capture him. Meanwhile a CIA analyst named Jack Ryan, who has studied Ramius, investigates the situation and figures out that Ramius wants to defect. He convinces his superiors of this fact, and helps bring Ramius in. (Allison's Plot Summary: Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!)
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Cast
CT: Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman, and a slew of "That Guys"
THFRO: Sean Connery, Sam Neill, Alec Baldwin, James Earl Jones, Scott Glenn.
Winner: The top two in Crimson Tide vs. the more rounded-out cast in The Hunt for Red October? I'd say it's a tie.
Protaganist - How strong is the lead character? Not the actor, but the character.
CT: Lieutenant Commander Hunter. He has been assigned to be the new Executive Officer (XO) of the USS Alabama. He is described as an "egghead", and that description fits. He seems to be very smart, and is clearly articulate and well-spoken. When it comes time for action, though, he is quite capable of acting. His conflict with the Captain is the center of focus for the movie.
THFRO: Jack Ryan. A CIA analyst living in London, who learns of a new Soviet submarine and brings that information to the CIA. He is clearly smart, and well-versed in theoretical knowledge. He's not very politically savvy, but he is a good detective.
Winner: The character of Hunter seems more to be about Denzel Washington than the character. Jack Ryan, on the other hand, seems to be a deeper character. That gives him the edge, so The Hunt for Red October wins.
Captain(s) - A ship is only as good as her captain. So how did the captains rate?
CT: Captain Frank Ramsey. He is confident, almost to the point of being arrogant. At first, he seems to want to be a true mentor and teacher to his new XO. He clearly cares about his men; his first speeech to his men consists of short cadence, but it is inspiring and even a little funny at times. But then he starts to show a darker side. He looks down on intellectuals, including his new XO. When the conflict occurs between him and his XO, he starts to get a little unglued. He is single-minded, set in his ways, and that comes through in stark form as the movie progresses. In the end he redeems himself almost completely, and ends up resigning in semi-disgrace.
THFRO: This movie offers two for the price of one!
Marco Ramius - He is a very balanced man. He goes from poetic as the ship leaves harbor to a man of action when he kills the political officer. He gives a good, poetic speech to his crew when he announces their (fake) orders, full of inspiring language. He is a cool-headed man who shows little emotion, and is sparing with explanations. He doesn't really change as the movie progresses. He is able to handle stress and difficulty that his defection causes without changing his personality.
Bart Mancuso - More of a man of action than his Soviet counterpart. He is sarcastic and loose but he still commands great respect from his men. His ship is tight and well run without being overly strict and rigid; he is liked and respected, but not feared. He can handle stress, but shows emotion and isn't afraid to share his opinions.
Winner: Captain Ramsey may be stronger than either Ramius or Mancuso, but not both. The Hunt for Red October wins.
Enemy Sub - Both movies feature a battle with a single enemy submarine.
CT: A Russian Akula-class submarine under the control of General Radchenko. It's just sort of there, hovering sinisterly in the background. The Alabama pretty much wants to avoid it, but when the radio buoy winch fails the sub comes after them. Eventually the Alabama wins, but with a high price.
THFRO: It's the classic student fighting master. A Russian Alpha-class submarine called the Kanevelov, captained by a former pupil of Ramius, is sent to destroy them. It's the ultimate fight in the movie, and ends with the Red October killing the Alpha with its own torpedo.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
"That Guy" - Reserved for the category of guys you see in the movie and shout out, "Hey, it's that guy! You know, from that movie/tv show/commercial/porno".
CT:
- General Radchenko (Spurbury police chief in "Super Troopers")
- Viggo Mortensen ("Hidalgo", "Lord of the Rings", etc)
- Ryan Phillippe (starred in "Cruel Intentions", among others)
- James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano in "The Sopranos")
- Ricky Schroeder (former child star, after this he starred in "NYPD Blue" for a few seasons)
THFRO:
- Skip Typer (The Principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off")
- Tim Curry ("Clue", "Muppet Treasure Island", and others) Note: I consider him in the "that guy" hall of fame.
- Cook's Assistant Loganov (Gladiator)
- Captain Tupolov (Bootstrap Bill in "POTC: Dead Man's Chest")
- Foxtrot Bomber guy (LOST)
Winner: Crimson Tide
Career Springboard - How many careers did this movie aid?
CT: The sheer number of "that guys" in this movie translates to a large number of careers. James Gandolfini went on to play Tony Soprano in HBO's hit series, "The Sopranos". Ryan Philippe went on to marry (and divorce) Reese Witherspoon, and also play alongside her in "Cruel Intentions". Viggo Mortensen went on to play Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
THFRO: The "That Guy" cast in this movie didn't move on to bigger and better things, unfortunately. Loganov (the cook's assistant and saboteur) went on to play Quintus in Gladiator, but that's about it.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Token Black Guy(s) - What would a movie be without the TBG (token black guy). He is in the background of the film, contributing, but not TOO much.
CT:
- Lieutenant Westergard (the brother with the moustache): He seems like a good guy, but he's an ally of Captain Ramsey and that makes him bad (but not TOO bad).
- The fat guy who sings and dances. As punishment for trying to stand out, he dies in the flood scene later.
THFRO:
- Sonar Officer Jones: He's into classical music, has a sense of humor, and is very resourceful (but not TOO resourceful).
Winner: Based on the definition of the TGB, Crimson Tide takes it.
Production Value - Did this movie look good?
CT:
- The submarine looks like it's a set, but a pretty good one. For the most part it retains that claustrophobic feel, though at times that's lost.
- As the ship dives, you see a lot of the interior of the ship, with men running everywhere.
- Everybody's sweating, which is realistic.
THFRO:
- Actual stunts, with Alec Baldwin actually going out of the helicopter.
- Big settings, like the sub, the aircraft carrier, the helicopter, and the open ocean.
- The three submarines all have unique looks to them.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Pivotal Scene
CT: The fight between Hunter and the captain over Hunter's refusal to concur the captain's launch command. This scene builds up very well. It starts with Hunter showing the captain the incomplete message, and ends with Hunter relieving the captain of his command. It's a pivotal moment in the film; it represents both a character development moment for Hunter, and a character reveal moment for the Captain.
THFRO: When Captain Mancuso decides to trust Jack Ryan and expose his position to the Red October. The actions of both captains drive the movie from that point on.
Winner:
Because that scene is so important to the movie as a whole, Crimson Tide takes it.
Dinner Sequence - Oddly, both movies feature a key dinner scene.
CT: This happens just after the Alabama gets underway. There are stark contrasts and stereotypes of military types shown among the officers. The power struggle between the XO and the Captain starts here.
THFRO: After dismissing the doctor, all of the officers sit down for a meeting over dinner. They are all smoking, but Captain Ramius is the only one eating. He doesn't speak at all until he has to. "There will be no going back." Then he reveals that "I announced our intention to defect."
Winner: Tie
Standoffs
CT:
- Hunter vs. Captain Ramsey (1): Fight over incomplete EAM that comes in during attack.
- WEAPS vs. Captain: WEAPS refuses to unlock the safe containing the firing trigger. The captain threatens to shoot an innocent seaman in order to get WEAPS to unlock it, which he does.
- Hunter vs. Captain Ramsey (2): Final standoff between Hunter and Ramsey regarding orders to shoot, when Ramsey re-takes the bridge.
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan vs. the Joint Chiefs: "Have you ever met Captain Ramius, General?"
- Jack Ryan vs. Captain Mancuso: Jack tries to convince the captain, gets threatened with death, then lies to him in order to get him to cooperate.
- Captain vs. Captain on the Red October: Ramius orders Jack to turn the submarine into the path of an incoming torpedo, which causes Mancuso great distress.
Winner: Since the entire point of the movie is the standoffs, I'll give this one to Crimson Tide.
Submarine Movie Cliches - All submarine movies (or movies that have submarines in them, for that matter) must have certain cliches. Which did these have?
CT:
- Blue/red lights. This is such a cliche that the Simpsons parodied it in their Crimson Tide episode with the line, "We're down to mood lighting here!"
- Holy shit something's on sonar!
- Flooding
- Close hatch, thus dooming a few to save the ship
- Depth/pressure danger
- Launch Countermeasures!
THFRO:
- Blue lights on the Alpha, yellow lights on the Red October, red lights on the Dallas.
- Launch Countermeasures!
- Ping sound from the torpedo.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Death Scenes
CT:
- Early on there is a fire in the galley, and a Petty Officer has heart attack as a result. The medical officer gives CPR, but the Petty Officer dies anyway. The music under the scene is light, and quite effective.
- After the Alabama nearly gets hit by a torpedo, the bilge bay floods. One of the men down there takes a pipe-cover to the face, and shortly afterwards they all drown when Ricky Schroeder seals the section off. Once again, the music is used to great effect.
THFRO:
- Captain Ramius kills the political officer in his quarters after unlocking their orders. It was surprising, both to the audience and to the political officer, who died with a look of shock on his face.
- Just after the torpedo breaks apart on the hull of the Red October, the cook's assistant comes onto the bridge and opens fire. Borodin takes a bullet for Ramius, and dies with the famous last words: "I would like to have seen Montana."
- Jack Ryan finally catches the cook's assistant in the missile compartment. Ryan shoots him in the chest several times, ending that crisis.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Tricks and Strategems (or Best Use of Submarine)
CT:
- Staying hidden from the Russian enemy sub.
THFRO:
- The Dallas staying in the Red October's "baffles", meaning behind the enemy sub so it can't hear.
- High-speed run of the underwater canyons by the Red October.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Music
CT: Overall the music is fairly constant without being too distracting. The main theme of the movie is by Hans Zimmer, and is quite moving. Moonlight Sonata is playing when Hunter and Ramsey meet for the first time, which sets an interesting mood for the scene. Finally, the Navy Hymn is used to great effect, both during the ships first dive and when Hunter gives the order that kills three of his men.
THFRO: There is singing in Russian (sorry, I don't know the song) over the opening credits while we see naval studies by Jack Ryan. Later there is an important scene involving the whole crew of the Red October singing the Soviet National Anthem.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Ending - So how did the movie wrap up? Did the ship sink?
CT: The orders to fire ICBMs were called off, and that message finally gets through to the Alabama. Captain Ramsey retires, but not before recommending that Lt. Cmdr Hunter get his next command as soon as possible. Meanwhile the Russian civil war fizzles, and all is right with the world again.
THFRO: Captain Ramius and his officers, with the help of Jack Ryan and the crew of the Dallas, succeed in defecting to America. They hide the Red October in a river in Maine. Captain Ramius and Jack Ryan sing a duet of "Old Man River." OK, that didn't happen. But it should have.
Winner: To be honest, I'm not thrilled with the endings of either movie. It's a tie.
Favorite Quote
CT:
Captain Ramsey: Yeah, horses're fascinating animals. Dumb as fenceposts but very intuitive. In that way they're not too different from high school girls: they may not have a brain in their head but they do know all the boys want to fuck 'em.
THFRO:
Admiral Painter (Fred Thompson): Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan.
Winner: One reason I couldn't take Fred Thompson seriously as a presidential candidate is that every time I saw him, that line popped into my head. The Hunt for Red October wins on that fact alone.
General Humor
CT:
- Captain Ramsey: If someone asked me if we should bomb Japan, a simple "Yes." By all means sir, drop that fucker, twice!
- Captain Ramsey: Their training program is simplicity itself. You just stick a cattle prod up their ass and you can get a horse to deal cards.
THFRO:
- Captain Ramius: "Anatoli? You're afraid of our fleet? Well you should be. Personally, I give us one chance in three. More tea anyone?"
- Navigator aboard the plane Jack flies to the aircraft carrier: What's the matter Commander? You don't like flying, huh? Aw, this is nothing! You should've been with us five, six months ago! Whoa! You talk about puke! We ran into a hailstorm over the Sea of Japan. Everybody's retching their guts out! The pilot shot his lunch all over the windshield, and I barfed on the radio! Shorted it out completely! And it wasn't that lightweight stuff either, it was that chunky industrial weight puke! Here, want a bite?
- Captain Mancuso: "My morse is so rusty I might be sending him dimensions on Playmate of the month."
- At two points throughout the movie Jack Ryan imitates voices. This always cracks me up.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Homoerotic Overtones - This is rated on a 1 to 10 scale, 1 being mild innuendo, 10 being "break out the astroglide".
CT:
- Weaps (Viggo Mortenson) says to his fellow officers of Lt. Cmdr Hunter, "We're lucky to have him." The look that he gives is very suggestive. Rating: 4
- "No-where to run to" song, sung by one of the token black guys, dancing and singing into a flashlight, surrounded by smoking and shirtless men. Rating: 6
- WEAPS is ironing a shirt while talking with Hunter. At the end of the scene Hunter asks, "Do you do pants too?" Rating: 2
THFRO:
- Political officer waiting for Ramius in his quarters, reading his diary. Ramius responds by killing him. Kinky... Rating: 3
- Jack Ryan taking a shower onboard the aircraft carrier. Rating: 3
- Borodin and Captain Ramius in Ramius' quarters. Their discussion covers what they wish for in the future. After Borodin claims to want to marry a "round American woman", Ramius responds by saying he has "no such desires." Is he trying to say something? Maybe... Rating: 4
- Just after the Americans go aboard the Red October, there are yellow lights flashing. It reminds me of a discotheque. Rating: 1
Winner: Crimson Tide
Awkward Moments - The moments in the movie where you have to stop and say, "Um, what?"
CT:
- Dog peeing. I thought subs were supposed to be clean and well maintained.
- Captain addressing crew about low morale based on Hunter's comments. He manages to berate them quite well, and probably drives morale further down.
- Captain loudly telling Hunter to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" on the bridge, after talking quietly and reasonably up until that point.
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan telling Admiral Greer that his daughter suggested that he (Jack) "buy her baby brother." Then he says he'll buy one for Stanley, causing Greer to ask very seriously, "Who's Stanley?" Jack respond's "Stanley's a bear." The whole exchange is very awkwardly done, and feels, well, weird.
- After Jack briefs the National Security Advisor and the Joint Chiefs, the National Security Advisor tells Jack he will be going to investigate his theory. He tells Jack that he can't send any of the Joint Chiefs, partly because they don't believe Jack's theory, and that Jack is "expendable?"
- The long, awkward standoff between Americans and the Soviets onboard the Red October. It goes on for several seconds too long.
- After ordering Jack to turn the Red October into the path of an oncoming torpedo, Ramius then proceeds to tell Jack that his book sucks.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Star Trek Connection
CT:
Just before he is taken into custody by the Captain, Hunter goes and visits the communications room. He has a heart-to-heart with Vossler, who was left in charge when the head officer (who is loyal to the Captain) disappears. Hunter proceeds to put their situation in terms of Star Trek. "I'm Captain Kirk, you're Scotty, and I need warp speed."
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan's wife is Gates McFadden, aka Dr. Beverly Crusher.
- The captain aboard the aircraft carrier plays Professor Moriarty in two episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
- It's also posssible (though unconfirmed) that the guy driving the DSRV plays Data's first officer during Data's brief stint as captain of a starship.
Winner: The Hunt For Red October
Linguistic Fakery - For excellence (or non-excellence) in faking an accent.
CT:
- Rivetti (the sonar officer): Italian/Brooklynese kid on a sub full of Southerners. He may or may not be faking, but it sure is out of place. And annoying.
- General Radchenko: He doesn't have many lines (maybe two), but they're pulled off with typical Russian bombast.
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan's wife has exactly two lines (see the next category). She uses a British accent for the first line, and American for the second. I guess she had to squeeze in her full range.
- The Captain of the aircraft carrier is played by a British guy, but it's hard to tell.
- Sam Neill (another Brit) manages to do a pretty convincing Russian accent throughout the whole movie.
- Sean Connery does not.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Get Back in the Kitchen (or They Have Female Singers and Female Motorists) - Women do not play a significant role in either movie. Actually, that's a gross understatement. Between the two films, female characters contribute a grand total of eight sentences. And they suck. Below is the full female contribution for both movies.
CT:
- Hunter's Wife (Nancy?), as Hunter is about to get out of their car and board the submarine: "Just say goodbye."
THFRO:
- Cathy Ryan: "No more of the usual nonsense; two stories, two glasses of water. Jack, you're going to miss your plane."
- Stewardess: "More coffee, sir?" "You know, if you try to get some sleep the flight will go a lot faster." "Pardon?" "Well, try and get some sleep anyway."
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Suck-ed-in-edness - How likely would you be to stop and watch if you come across this movie on basic cable?
CT: Kinda likely
THFRO: Very likely
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Best Hair
CT: Viggo Mortenson had a flat top you could cut cheese on.
THFRO: Sean Connery's hair seemed to be an extension of a ushanka, which is a stereotypical Russian hat (also called shapka).
Winner: Crimson Tide
Animal Cruelty
CT: Captain Ramsey had a Jack Russell Terrier named Bear. This dog traveled everywhere with the Captain, and was a constant companion. The dog accepted the new XO, and also growled and barked at certain characters when called upon.
THFRO:
- In the first scene aboard the Dallas, Jones uses whales near the Dallas while training the sonarman.
- Borodin indicated a desire to raise rabbits for the express purpose of consuming them.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Best Use of Font
CT: The informational font is a little large, and also a bit sterile.
THFRO: The opening sequence uses a very official-looking typographical font, which gives it a menacing quality. Also, the title is first shown in its original Cyrillic spelling, before blurring into English.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
MacGyver Moment
CT: Vossler and his men working hard to fix the radio against the backdrop of possible nuclear war and a power struggle onboard the submarine. No pressure or anything.
THFRO: Jones listens to his tape recording of the Red October and determines that the "magma displacement" is actually a Soviet Sub.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Tobacco Company Sponsorship
CT:
- Smoking cigars on deck before submerging.
- Smoking during officer's dinner (both cigars and cigarettes)
- Cigarettes at weapons area
THFRO:
- Smoking at dinner, all over the place on the Red October.
- Jack's first cigarette, coughs, turns green.
Winner: Just for sheer volume, The Hunt for Red October wins.
After watching this movie, will you want to shoot a Soviet/Russian in name of your country? - A basic gauge of your feelings of patriotism after watching the movie.
CT: Not really. You might want to hunt down the General, but the average Russian soldier is portrayed as more of a victim than an active participant in the civil war underway.
THFRO: Yes, sir. Absolutely. Shoot that fucker. Twice.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Final Tally:
Crimson Tide - 11
The Hunt for Red October - 18
Tie - 3
My answer? The Hunt for Red October. Thanks again to Allison for all of her help with this answer.
A: I think that the next "crappy" genre of music won't be a distinct genre, but rather a merging of distinct genres into something new. I spent some time listening to pop tunes on the radio to research this question, and what I noticed was a curious blend of country, rock, and R&B. Often times there was an over-produced feel to the song, especially in the bass and drums, which felt very electronic and processed. I think that this trend is likely to continue, though I'm not sure what you'd end up calling the resulting "genre", if anything.
On a side note, I also felt like all the songs were the same, at least in lyrical content. Angst, anger, "my girl/boy left me", etc. There wasn't anything original or particularly interesting in the lyrics. I know that doesn't really depend on the genre, but it's something I noticed as a songwriter.
If I had to guess about a current genre that will make a breakthrough to the mainstream (like swing did in the late 90's) I would guess bluegrass. Seriously. Country is already very popular, and the bluegrass feel could translate very well into the mainstream of pop music. It's different without being TOO different, and is also very danceable. Keep an eye out for it, folks!
To answer the second part of your question, mathematically speaking there are only a certain number of chord arrangements that can be made. Of course that number increases because of the variability in the length of songs, but when you're talking about a typical three-minute pop tune you're pretty boxed in. The good-sounding chord progressions are often taken, and so some artists solve this dilemma by "sampling". I've never liked the concept of sampling. I feel that it's a very lazy practice. Unfortunately the music consuming public does not agree with me, and so I don't think it's going to go anywhere unless there is a public backlash against it. And I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Q: Brett Gobe - Crimson Tide or The Hunt for Red October?
A: First, this is going to be the longest answer in "Ask Mitssob" history. By a long shot. In fact, I was so inspired by this question that I enlisted Allison's help to ensure a more complete answer. Together we came up with a list of categories that the movies should be rated on, ranging from the serious to the slightly disturbing. Then we went through and watched both films and made notes according to those categories. The results of our work follows. Enjoy!
Title
CT: Crimson Tide. What is "Crimson Tide?" A new variety of the detergent? Is it like the red tide? I don't know.
THFRO: The Hunt for Red October. Simple, direct, descriptive, slightly menacing.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Plot
CT: A radical general has taken advantage of tense political situation involving the Russian response to a Chechnian revolt. The US has gotten involved, and a General named Vladimir Radchenko is using this as an excuse to incite conflict. A state of civil war exists in Russia. Against this backdrop the USS Alabama is deployed to the region in case things get out of hand, which they eventually do. The Captain and XO fight for control of the ship when their orders to launch their ICBMs at Russia come into question. (Allison's Plot Summary: The damn printer doesn't work!)
THFRO: At the height of the Cold War a brand-new typhoon-class submarine is taken by a captain intent on defection. The Soviet navy is informed of this by that captain, and send the entire fleet to capture him. Meanwhile a CIA analyst named Jack Ryan, who has studied Ramius, investigates the situation and figures out that Ramius wants to defect. He convinces his superiors of this fact, and helps bring Ramius in. (Allison's Plot Summary: Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!)
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Cast
CT: Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman, and a slew of "That Guys"
THFRO: Sean Connery, Sam Neill, Alec Baldwin, James Earl Jones, Scott Glenn.
Winner: The top two in Crimson Tide vs. the more rounded-out cast in The Hunt for Red October? I'd say it's a tie.
Protaganist - How strong is the lead character? Not the actor, but the character.
CT: Lieutenant Commander Hunter. He has been assigned to be the new Executive Officer (XO) of the USS Alabama. He is described as an "egghead", and that description fits. He seems to be very smart, and is clearly articulate and well-spoken. When it comes time for action, though, he is quite capable of acting. His conflict with the Captain is the center of focus for the movie.
THFRO: Jack Ryan. A CIA analyst living in London, who learns of a new Soviet submarine and brings that information to the CIA. He is clearly smart, and well-versed in theoretical knowledge. He's not very politically savvy, but he is a good detective.
Winner: The character of Hunter seems more to be about Denzel Washington than the character. Jack Ryan, on the other hand, seems to be a deeper character. That gives him the edge, so The Hunt for Red October wins.
Captain(s) - A ship is only as good as her captain. So how did the captains rate?
CT: Captain Frank Ramsey. He is confident, almost to the point of being arrogant. At first, he seems to want to be a true mentor and teacher to his new XO. He clearly cares about his men; his first speeech to his men consists of short cadence, but it is inspiring and even a little funny at times. But then he starts to show a darker side. He looks down on intellectuals, including his new XO. When the conflict occurs between him and his XO, he starts to get a little unglued. He is single-minded, set in his ways, and that comes through in stark form as the movie progresses. In the end he redeems himself almost completely, and ends up resigning in semi-disgrace.
THFRO: This movie offers two for the price of one!
Marco Ramius - He is a very balanced man. He goes from poetic as the ship leaves harbor to a man of action when he kills the political officer. He gives a good, poetic speech to his crew when he announces their (fake) orders, full of inspiring language. He is a cool-headed man who shows little emotion, and is sparing with explanations. He doesn't really change as the movie progresses. He is able to handle stress and difficulty that his defection causes without changing his personality.
Bart Mancuso - More of a man of action than his Soviet counterpart. He is sarcastic and loose but he still commands great respect from his men. His ship is tight and well run without being overly strict and rigid; he is liked and respected, but not feared. He can handle stress, but shows emotion and isn't afraid to share his opinions.
Winner: Captain Ramsey may be stronger than either Ramius or Mancuso, but not both. The Hunt for Red October wins.
Enemy Sub - Both movies feature a battle with a single enemy submarine.
CT: A Russian Akula-class submarine under the control of General Radchenko. It's just sort of there, hovering sinisterly in the background. The Alabama pretty much wants to avoid it, but when the radio buoy winch fails the sub comes after them. Eventually the Alabama wins, but with a high price.
THFRO: It's the classic student fighting master. A Russian Alpha-class submarine called the Kanevelov, captained by a former pupil of Ramius, is sent to destroy them. It's the ultimate fight in the movie, and ends with the Red October killing the Alpha with its own torpedo.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
"That Guy" - Reserved for the category of guys you see in the movie and shout out, "Hey, it's that guy! You know, from that movie/tv show/commercial/porno".
CT:
- General Radchenko (Spurbury police chief in "Super Troopers")
- Viggo Mortensen ("Hidalgo", "Lord of the Rings", etc)
- Ryan Phillippe (starred in "Cruel Intentions", among others)
- James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano in "The Sopranos")
- Ricky Schroeder (former child star, after this he starred in "NYPD Blue" for a few seasons)
THFRO:
- Skip Typer (The Principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off")
- Tim Curry ("Clue", "Muppet Treasure Island", and others) Note: I consider him in the "that guy" hall of fame.
- Cook's Assistant Loganov (Gladiator)
- Captain Tupolov (Bootstrap Bill in "POTC: Dead Man's Chest")
- Foxtrot Bomber guy (LOST)
Winner: Crimson Tide
Career Springboard - How many careers did this movie aid?
CT: The sheer number of "that guys" in this movie translates to a large number of careers. James Gandolfini went on to play Tony Soprano in HBO's hit series, "The Sopranos". Ryan Philippe went on to marry (and divorce) Reese Witherspoon, and also play alongside her in "Cruel Intentions". Viggo Mortensen went on to play Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
THFRO: The "That Guy" cast in this movie didn't move on to bigger and better things, unfortunately. Loganov (the cook's assistant and saboteur) went on to play Quintus in Gladiator, but that's about it.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Token Black Guy(s) - What would a movie be without the TBG (token black guy). He is in the background of the film, contributing, but not TOO much.
CT:
- Lieutenant Westergard (the brother with the moustache): He seems like a good guy, but he's an ally of Captain Ramsey and that makes him bad (but not TOO bad).
- The fat guy who sings and dances. As punishment for trying to stand out, he dies in the flood scene later.
THFRO:
- Sonar Officer Jones: He's into classical music, has a sense of humor, and is very resourceful (but not TOO resourceful).
Winner: Based on the definition of the TGB, Crimson Tide takes it.
Production Value - Did this movie look good?
CT:
- The submarine looks like it's a set, but a pretty good one. For the most part it retains that claustrophobic feel, though at times that's lost.
- As the ship dives, you see a lot of the interior of the ship, with men running everywhere.
- Everybody's sweating, which is realistic.
THFRO:
- Actual stunts, with Alec Baldwin actually going out of the helicopter.
- Big settings, like the sub, the aircraft carrier, the helicopter, and the open ocean.
- The three submarines all have unique looks to them.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Pivotal Scene
CT: The fight between Hunter and the captain over Hunter's refusal to concur the captain's launch command. This scene builds up very well. It starts with Hunter showing the captain the incomplete message, and ends with Hunter relieving the captain of his command. It's a pivotal moment in the film; it represents both a character development moment for Hunter, and a character reveal moment for the Captain.
THFRO: When Captain Mancuso decides to trust Jack Ryan and expose his position to the Red October. The actions of both captains drive the movie from that point on.
Winner:
Because that scene is so important to the movie as a whole, Crimson Tide takes it.
Dinner Sequence - Oddly, both movies feature a key dinner scene.
CT: This happens just after the Alabama gets underway. There are stark contrasts and stereotypes of military types shown among the officers. The power struggle between the XO and the Captain starts here.
THFRO: After dismissing the doctor, all of the officers sit down for a meeting over dinner. They are all smoking, but Captain Ramius is the only one eating. He doesn't speak at all until he has to. "There will be no going back." Then he reveals that "I announced our intention to defect."
Winner: Tie
Standoffs
CT:
- Hunter vs. Captain Ramsey (1): Fight over incomplete EAM that comes in during attack.
- WEAPS vs. Captain: WEAPS refuses to unlock the safe containing the firing trigger. The captain threatens to shoot an innocent seaman in order to get WEAPS to unlock it, which he does.
- Hunter vs. Captain Ramsey (2): Final standoff between Hunter and Ramsey regarding orders to shoot, when Ramsey re-takes the bridge.
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan vs. the Joint Chiefs: "Have you ever met Captain Ramius, General?"
- Jack Ryan vs. Captain Mancuso: Jack tries to convince the captain, gets threatened with death, then lies to him in order to get him to cooperate.
- Captain vs. Captain on the Red October: Ramius orders Jack to turn the submarine into the path of an incoming torpedo, which causes Mancuso great distress.
Winner: Since the entire point of the movie is the standoffs, I'll give this one to Crimson Tide.
Submarine Movie Cliches - All submarine movies (or movies that have submarines in them, for that matter) must have certain cliches. Which did these have?
CT:
- Blue/red lights. This is such a cliche that the Simpsons parodied it in their Crimson Tide episode with the line, "We're down to mood lighting here!"
- Holy shit something's on sonar!
- Flooding
- Close hatch, thus dooming a few to save the ship
- Depth/pressure danger
- Launch Countermeasures!
THFRO:
- Blue lights on the Alpha, yellow lights on the Red October, red lights on the Dallas.
- Launch Countermeasures!
- Ping sound from the torpedo.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Death Scenes
CT:
- Early on there is a fire in the galley, and a Petty Officer has heart attack as a result. The medical officer gives CPR, but the Petty Officer dies anyway. The music under the scene is light, and quite effective.
- After the Alabama nearly gets hit by a torpedo, the bilge bay floods. One of the men down there takes a pipe-cover to the face, and shortly afterwards they all drown when Ricky Schroeder seals the section off. Once again, the music is used to great effect.
THFRO:
- Captain Ramius kills the political officer in his quarters after unlocking their orders. It was surprising, both to the audience and to the political officer, who died with a look of shock on his face.
- Just after the torpedo breaks apart on the hull of the Red October, the cook's assistant comes onto the bridge and opens fire. Borodin takes a bullet for Ramius, and dies with the famous last words: "I would like to have seen Montana."
- Jack Ryan finally catches the cook's assistant in the missile compartment. Ryan shoots him in the chest several times, ending that crisis.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Tricks and Strategems (or Best Use of Submarine)
CT:
- Staying hidden from the Russian enemy sub.
THFRO:
- The Dallas staying in the Red October's "baffles", meaning behind the enemy sub so it can't hear.
- High-speed run of the underwater canyons by the Red October.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Music
CT: Overall the music is fairly constant without being too distracting. The main theme of the movie is by Hans Zimmer, and is quite moving. Moonlight Sonata is playing when Hunter and Ramsey meet for the first time, which sets an interesting mood for the scene. Finally, the Navy Hymn is used to great effect, both during the ships first dive and when Hunter gives the order that kills three of his men.
THFRO: There is singing in Russian (sorry, I don't know the song) over the opening credits while we see naval studies by Jack Ryan. Later there is an important scene involving the whole crew of the Red October singing the Soviet National Anthem.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Ending - So how did the movie wrap up? Did the ship sink?
CT: The orders to fire ICBMs were called off, and that message finally gets through to the Alabama. Captain Ramsey retires, but not before recommending that Lt. Cmdr Hunter get his next command as soon as possible. Meanwhile the Russian civil war fizzles, and all is right with the world again.
THFRO: Captain Ramius and his officers, with the help of Jack Ryan and the crew of the Dallas, succeed in defecting to America. They hide the Red October in a river in Maine. Captain Ramius and Jack Ryan sing a duet of "Old Man River." OK, that didn't happen. But it should have.
Winner: To be honest, I'm not thrilled with the endings of either movie. It's a tie.
Favorite Quote
CT:
Captain Ramsey: Yeah, horses're fascinating animals. Dumb as fenceposts but very intuitive. In that way they're not too different from high school girls: they may not have a brain in their head but they do know all the boys want to fuck 'em.
THFRO:
Admiral Painter (Fred Thompson): Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan.
Winner: One reason I couldn't take Fred Thompson seriously as a presidential candidate is that every time I saw him, that line popped into my head. The Hunt for Red October wins on that fact alone.
General Humor
CT:
- Captain Ramsey: If someone asked me if we should bomb Japan, a simple "Yes." By all means sir, drop that fucker, twice!
- Captain Ramsey: Their training program is simplicity itself. You just stick a cattle prod up their ass and you can get a horse to deal cards.
THFRO:
- Captain Ramius: "Anatoli? You're afraid of our fleet? Well you should be. Personally, I give us one chance in three. More tea anyone?"
- Navigator aboard the plane Jack flies to the aircraft carrier: What's the matter Commander? You don't like flying, huh? Aw, this is nothing! You should've been with us five, six months ago! Whoa! You talk about puke! We ran into a hailstorm over the Sea of Japan. Everybody's retching their guts out! The pilot shot his lunch all over the windshield, and I barfed on the radio! Shorted it out completely! And it wasn't that lightweight stuff either, it was that chunky industrial weight puke! Here, want a bite?
- Captain Mancuso: "My morse is so rusty I might be sending him dimensions on Playmate of the month."
- At two points throughout the movie Jack Ryan imitates voices. This always cracks me up.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Homoerotic Overtones - This is rated on a 1 to 10 scale, 1 being mild innuendo, 10 being "break out the astroglide".
CT:
- Weaps (Viggo Mortenson) says to his fellow officers of Lt. Cmdr Hunter, "We're lucky to have him." The look that he gives is very suggestive. Rating: 4
- "No-where to run to" song, sung by one of the token black guys, dancing and singing into a flashlight, surrounded by smoking and shirtless men. Rating: 6
- WEAPS is ironing a shirt while talking with Hunter. At the end of the scene Hunter asks, "Do you do pants too?" Rating: 2
THFRO:
- Political officer waiting for Ramius in his quarters, reading his diary. Ramius responds by killing him. Kinky... Rating: 3
- Jack Ryan taking a shower onboard the aircraft carrier. Rating: 3
- Borodin and Captain Ramius in Ramius' quarters. Their discussion covers what they wish for in the future. After Borodin claims to want to marry a "round American woman", Ramius responds by saying he has "no such desires." Is he trying to say something? Maybe... Rating: 4
- Just after the Americans go aboard the Red October, there are yellow lights flashing. It reminds me of a discotheque. Rating: 1
Winner: Crimson Tide
Awkward Moments - The moments in the movie where you have to stop and say, "Um, what?"
CT:
- Dog peeing. I thought subs were supposed to be clean and well maintained.
- Captain addressing crew about low morale based on Hunter's comments. He manages to berate them quite well, and probably drives morale further down.
- Captain loudly telling Hunter to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" on the bridge, after talking quietly and reasonably up until that point.
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan telling Admiral Greer that his daughter suggested that he (Jack) "buy her baby brother." Then he says he'll buy one for Stanley, causing Greer to ask very seriously, "Who's Stanley?" Jack respond's "Stanley's a bear." The whole exchange is very awkwardly done, and feels, well, weird.
- After Jack briefs the National Security Advisor and the Joint Chiefs, the National Security Advisor tells Jack he will be going to investigate his theory. He tells Jack that he can't send any of the Joint Chiefs, partly because they don't believe Jack's theory, and that Jack is "expendable?"
- The long, awkward standoff between Americans and the Soviets onboard the Red October. It goes on for several seconds too long.
- After ordering Jack to turn the Red October into the path of an oncoming torpedo, Ramius then proceeds to tell Jack that his book sucks.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Star Trek Connection
CT:
Just before he is taken into custody by the Captain, Hunter goes and visits the communications room. He has a heart-to-heart with Vossler, who was left in charge when the head officer (who is loyal to the Captain) disappears. Hunter proceeds to put their situation in terms of Star Trek. "I'm Captain Kirk, you're Scotty, and I need warp speed."
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan's wife is Gates McFadden, aka Dr. Beverly Crusher.
- The captain aboard the aircraft carrier plays Professor Moriarty in two episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
- It's also posssible (though unconfirmed) that the guy driving the DSRV plays Data's first officer during Data's brief stint as captain of a starship.
Winner: The Hunt For Red October
Linguistic Fakery - For excellence (or non-excellence) in faking an accent.
CT:
- Rivetti (the sonar officer): Italian/Brooklynese kid on a sub full of Southerners. He may or may not be faking, but it sure is out of place. And annoying.
- General Radchenko: He doesn't have many lines (maybe two), but they're pulled off with typical Russian bombast.
THFRO:
- Jack Ryan's wife has exactly two lines (see the next category). She uses a British accent for the first line, and American for the second. I guess she had to squeeze in her full range.
- The Captain of the aircraft carrier is played by a British guy, but it's hard to tell.
- Sam Neill (another Brit) manages to do a pretty convincing Russian accent throughout the whole movie.
- Sean Connery does not.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Get Back in the Kitchen (or They Have Female Singers and Female Motorists) - Women do not play a significant role in either movie. Actually, that's a gross understatement. Between the two films, female characters contribute a grand total of eight sentences. And they suck. Below is the full female contribution for both movies.
CT:
- Hunter's Wife (Nancy?), as Hunter is about to get out of their car and board the submarine: "Just say goodbye."
THFRO:
- Cathy Ryan: "No more of the usual nonsense; two stories, two glasses of water. Jack, you're going to miss your plane."
- Stewardess: "More coffee, sir?" "You know, if you try to get some sleep the flight will go a lot faster." "Pardon?" "Well, try and get some sleep anyway."
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Suck-ed-in-edness - How likely would you be to stop and watch if you come across this movie on basic cable?
CT: Kinda likely
THFRO: Very likely
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Best Hair
CT: Viggo Mortenson had a flat top you could cut cheese on.
THFRO: Sean Connery's hair seemed to be an extension of a ushanka, which is a stereotypical Russian hat (also called shapka).
Winner: Crimson Tide
Animal Cruelty
CT: Captain Ramsey had a Jack Russell Terrier named Bear. This dog traveled everywhere with the Captain, and was a constant companion. The dog accepted the new XO, and also growled and barked at certain characters when called upon.
THFRO:
- In the first scene aboard the Dallas, Jones uses whales near the Dallas while training the sonarman.
- Borodin indicated a desire to raise rabbits for the express purpose of consuming them.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Best Use of Font
CT: The informational font is a little large, and also a bit sterile.
THFRO: The opening sequence uses a very official-looking typographical font, which gives it a menacing quality. Also, the title is first shown in its original Cyrillic spelling, before blurring into English.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
MacGyver Moment
CT: Vossler and his men working hard to fix the radio against the backdrop of possible nuclear war and a power struggle onboard the submarine. No pressure or anything.
THFRO: Jones listens to his tape recording of the Red October and determines that the "magma displacement" is actually a Soviet Sub.
Winner: Crimson Tide
Tobacco Company Sponsorship
CT:
- Smoking cigars on deck before submerging.
- Smoking during officer's dinner (both cigars and cigarettes)
- Cigarettes at weapons area
THFRO:
- Smoking at dinner, all over the place on the Red October.
- Jack's first cigarette, coughs, turns green.
Winner: Just for sheer volume, The Hunt for Red October wins.
After watching this movie, will you want to shoot a Soviet/Russian in name of your country? - A basic gauge of your feelings of patriotism after watching the movie.
CT: Not really. You might want to hunt down the General, but the average Russian soldier is portrayed as more of a victim than an active participant in the civil war underway.
THFRO: Yes, sir. Absolutely. Shoot that fucker. Twice.
Winner: The Hunt for Red October
Final Tally:
Crimson Tide - 11
The Hunt for Red October - 18
Tie - 3
My answer? The Hunt for Red October. Thanks again to Allison for all of her help with this answer.
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