68 - Answers

Q: Jacob - I see you watched The Room. How many times and have you read The Disaster Artist? Also how can I achieve monies like Tommy Wiseau?

A: I have only seen The Room once and let me assure those of you who haven't seen it that once is two times too many. It's not that it's just a bad movie, because it certainly is that. It's that it tries SOOOOOOO HAAAARRRD to be a real movie that you feel bad for it, but then you stop feeling bad for it because it's SOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAD. 

In 2013 Greg Sestero (who played Mark in the movie) and Tom Bissell released a book called The Disaster Artists: My Life Inside The Room describing Mark's experience making the movie and his friendship with Tommy Wiseau. The book has been optioned by James Franco's production company and is going to be made into a movie starring Franco as Tommy Wiseau. I have not read the book yet but just added it to my library's wish list. Once it comes in I'll be sure to read it.

The question about "monies" is one of the many mysteries surrounding Tommy Wiseau. "The Room" cost about $6,000,000 to make and people are not sure where he got the money for it. There are rumors of illegal activities, shady business partners, and even shadier foreign sources. So how can you get your very own secret, untapped vein of unlimited money to use for your own pet projects? 

- Legally: Earn the money, invest it wisely, and spend wisely until you have a pile big enough for your uses.

- Illegally: Start one or more of your own criminal enterprises (smuggle cigarettes, cook meth, run an offshore gambling site, etc.)

- More Illegally: Steal it. 

- Really Illegally: Print your own counterfeit money.

Best of luck in your new career generating monies!

Q: Barn - I've been feeling rather uninspired with writing lately. Should I take a break (it's already been like 6-7 weeks), or push through? Is it better to phone in writing for writings sake, or wait to feel inspired?

A: In my opinion you should push through. I've found that hurdles like that are best met with a full frontal assault. Just write. Lots. I've been told that if you want to be a writer then the first step is to write. The more you do it the better you're going to get at it. Like sex. 

Allow me to recommend my personal favorite writing experience as a way to break you out of your funk. National Novel Writing Month, as longtime readers of Ask Mitssob know, is a yearly writing competition that I've been participating in since 2004. The goal is to write 50,000 words of a novel (defined as original fiction) in the 30 days of November. The reason I think it will help you is that one of the driving principles of NaNoWriMo is quantity over quality. To meet the writing goals you are discouraged from editing, overthinking, etc. Just write until you hit your word count.

Hope you decide to join me in this, and if you do I hope it helps!

Q: Vanessa - A fun one to break up the questions: what is your favorite internet meme and why?

A: I've delayed answering this question to the end and ultimately haven't come to any good answer. There's just way too many to choose from, ranging from the good to the really good to the utterly stupid. But to choose a favorite would be like having to choose my favorite blade of grass. Or something. Sorry for the disappointing lack-of-answer here, if I have energy I'll take another look next week.

Q: Bill - Is ello good enough to eclipse the usership.of Facebook? Or will it just be Emohipsterbook and the rest of us will stay where we are?

(Insert non-answer here)

A: [Ed: Bill's got a point, you haven't been giving his questions very good answers lately. Well it's not my fault that he asks questions I don't feel like answering well!]

ello is an invitation-only social network that launched this summer and has been the subject of recent press hype. It was built with the promise that users' information will not be sold to or shared with third parties for use in advertising. Their mission statement can be found here and is printed below:

Your social network is owned by advertisers.

Every post you share, every friend you make, and every link you follow is tracked, recorded, and converted into data. Advertisers buy your data so they can show you more ads. You are the product that’s bought and sold.

We believe there is a better way. We believe in audacity. We believe in beauty, simplicity, and transparency. We believe that the people who make things and the people who use them should be in partnership.

We believe a social network can be a tool for empowerment. Not a tool to deceive, coerce, and manipulate — but a place to connect, create, and celebrate life.

You are not a product.

With that strong statement it seems that ello was born in response to growing user backlash against Facebook and Facebook's policies. Like many recent backlashes and controversies (coughWashingtonRedskinscough) I think that the voices of the few are being amplified beyond their actual influence and the caring of the public at large. Is Facebook selling/sharing users' information to make money? Of course! Do people care? The answer seems to be no, at least so far.

There are lots and lots and lots of social networks out there, not to mention other ways of oversharing yourself on the Internet. To answer the last part of your question, I think that people will gravitate to and stick with what works for them, which today means Facebook. 

As a postscript to this answer, in the time since you asked this question ello's 15 minutes of fame seem to have run out. Will they recover and gather a critical mass of users to do, well, whatever it is they're trying to do? I doubt it, but anything's possible.

Q: Gobe - What is the superior flavor, vanilla or french vanilla?

A: I have to go with French Vanilla for no other reason than the fact that creme brulee is one of my wife's favorite desserts.

Q: Jacob - Why are less processed, natural foods so much more expensive... TELL ME THIS!

A: Wow, ok, well, then let me TELL YOU THIS post-haste! In short it's because crop yields are lower for "natural foods" than for more traditional methods of farming. The crops do not grow as well and more of the crop is lost due to disease, and a similar thing is true for farm animals being raised for food. The trade-off is that the food is better for you because of lower amounts of insecticides and other chemicals. I won't get into which one is better or whether that trade-off is worth it, but it is a subject I find interesting to think about.

Q: Mike Guethle - I just drank two bottles of kitty wine and am about to take an evening jaunt to pound town with a girl that is going to England/Italy for a month. We've come to an agreement that hey, we've been doing whatever for 4ish weeks and we're going to be apart 4ish weeks, let's do our own thing for that time and then maybe get back together after.

What are my chances of catching ebola from her vagina when she returns?

A: You've just given me a great plot (and possibly title) for this year's novel. Thanks!

Also yuck.

One thing before I get going: for the first time in Ask Mitssob history I'm going to hide some details of an answer behind a spoiler tag. If you're sensitive about gross things I suggest that you skip it. Trust me. You've been warned.

You've been "doing whatever" with this girl for 4ish weeks, so I'll assume that this involves more than just holding hands. As I started to answer your question I stuck with the "more than holding hands" angle for her contracting Ebola, but it occurs to me that you're not asking HOW she contracts Ebola but rather what the odds are that she'll transmit it to you via her vagina upon her return.

So let's talk about Ebola. Ebola is transmitted by prolonged exposure to the bodily fluids of someone with the disease. The most contagious are blood and digestive fluids (vomit, diarrhea), though the virus can be found in semen and urine. One interesting thing about Ebola that makes it different from the cold or flu is that you are not contagious until you become symptomatic. To my mind this reduces the chances of sex, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The other point to note is that the incubation period for the disease is between 6 and 21 days. 

With that introduction let's start with the odds of her contracting the disease in the first place. As of today (October 7, 2014) Ebola has only spread to two first-world countries: ours and Spain. Given air travel and lax screening, odds are good that someone with the disease will end up landing in England or Italy by the time of her trip. In fact, I'll go so far as to say it's 100% probable. With that assumption, what are the odds that she's going to encounter one (or more) people who have Ebola and are contagious at the time of the encounter? I'll give that a very low probability, but it's also not zero.

[SPOILER]

OK, time for the really gross stuff. I interpret your question to mean "what are the chances that I will contract Ebola sexually from this girl?" So assuming that she contracts the disease and is infectious by the time she encounters you, we need to add another layer to the probability equation: transmission. Below are some, well, rather disgusting methods of sexual transmission of Ebola that I've dreamed up:

Vaginal Intercourse (10%): I assume unprotected and that there are bleeding wounds on both ends of the transaction, which would make transmission much more likely.

Rear Entry Intercourse (25%): To me this is the riskiest proposition since it puts your manhood in close proximity to the most dangerous of the bodily fluids associated with the transmission of Ebola. Ditto unprotected and bleeding wounds.

Oral (25%): Again, open bleeding wounds would make this pretty likely regardless of direction. If you're on the receiving end and she vomits that's the worst-case scenario.

Golden Shower (5%): While not technically "her vagina" I think it's close enough to count. Again, this would require some disease-allowing point of entry on your body.

German Scheizer Video (15%): Same as above but with the added bonus of involving the most dangerous bodily fluid.

So to minimize your chances of getting Ebola from her vagina, I would not engage in any of the above activities given the above disclaimers.

[/SPOILER]

The final thing to note is the duration of her trip. If she contracts the disease on the last day of her visit then you have 21 days until she'd be symptomatic (and therefore contagious). So to reduce to zero your chances of "catching Ebola from her vagina" I would avoid any intimate physical contact for 21 days.

OK, that was horrible. I need to take a shower before moving on here. Blech!

Q: Oh wise Mitssob, what should I get Kallie for our first anniversary?

A: The first wedding anniversary (and congratulations again, by the way, not only for making it through a year of marriage but for finding someone kind and patient enough to agree to marry you in the first place) is the paper anniversary. While shopping for my own first anniversary I found some very interesting paper-themed gifts while looking at Etsy and Pinterest. Unfortunately nothing I found matched my wife's sense of style but maybe you'll have better luck than I did.

My original plan for a gift was for us to spend our first anniversary in a nice location with sandy beaches near the equator. Unfortunately due to a schedule mixup with my father's office the only time my parents were able to visit us over the summer was that weekend, so we're going to delay that trip until later this winter. We did take the whole week off and did the "staycation" thing, breaking it up with a romantic day/night in beautiful Niagara on the Lake. It's a charming little town with nice shops, a reputation for good theaters (we didn't take in a show but I've heard good things), and I recommend it if you're looking for a nice vacation spot close to home.

So to sum up, tradition says paper, Mitssob says vacation. Congratulations again and hope you and Kallie enjoy many more anniversaries together!

Q: What is the furthest North I can drive to in the eastern half of Canada?

A: I fired up Google Earth and spent a few minutes tracing roads in northern Quebec and Newfoundland provinces. As far as my tracings go the northernmost town you can get to by road in the eastern half of Canada is Cartwright, Newfoundland. I'm sure that there are unmarked roads and trails that you can drive on further north than that but I wouldn't venture much farther north without a good vehicle, a guide, and proper equipment.

Q: Jacob - Where can I find inexpensive barrels to ferment food in?

A: Depending on what you're trying to ferment I would suggest getting in touch with local wineries. They have many barrels used during the wine making process and might be willing to give you some old ones. They have the benefit of being watertight so they would probably work for your fermenting.

The word "barrels" implies that you're looking to find something large. If you need something big but not THAT big then you might want to try large plastic buckets with lids. 

Q: Sheamus - What's a pederast, Mitssob?

A: Shut the fuck up, Sheamus.

Sorry, again with the rudeness. However, in this case I think the jury will agree that you asked for it given the pop culture reference that you were making. Your honor? [Ed: Guilty as charged. Thank you, your honor.]

To answer your question, the dictionary definition of pederast is a man who desires or engages in sexual activity with boys.

Q: Jacob - Why does the term gastropub exist and why should we use it over other terms for a restaurant?

A: I blame hipsters. And racism. And global warming. Climate change. Whatever.

Anyway, a gastropub is a bar that serves better food than you would normally find in a bar. These places are often featured on one of my favorite shows, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. The name itself came about during the 1990s in places like California, New York, and Pennsylvania. The article doesn't go into why the term exists, but my guess is that it's marketing. If you want to distinguish your restaurant you need a clever, simple term to describe it. "A non-sketchy hipster bar that hired a good chef" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but "gastropub" does. It gets the point across and is catchy and memorable, which is perfect for marketing. 

Q: Jesse_Burton - Why do I like the smell of my own farts?

A: I guess I asked for this, didn't I? [Ed: I tried to warn you but did you listen? No, no one ever listens to me. Lesson learned, buddy.] Totally random guess based on nothing in particular is that the smell of your own farts reminds you (in some way) of the food you most recently ate, and if you liked that food then you like the smell of your own farts. 

That might be the biggest reach in the history of Ask Mitssob but I'll stick with it. 

Q: AndrewSmith - How much money do I need to open my own brewery?

A: What you need is an amount of money big enough to:

1. Buy the equipment/location/materials necessary to open said brewery.

2. Hire employees (if needed)

3. Pay taxes, fees, etc. related to starting this business.

4. Fund operations until you achieve profit.

The exact dollar figure depends on decisions that you'll have to make for yourself. Are you going to try to compete with Genesee Beer or are you going for a smaller market? Do you plan to live off of this or is it just a hobby? I can't answer those questions but hopefully my above list helps you get at an answer.

Q: Jacob - Related question, How do you get approval to sell food stuffs at craft fairs and the like?

A: I'll use the Brighton Farmer's Market as my example here. The link is to their vendor applications, which is how you get approval to sell goods and/or services at their location. The application is simple enough but it's the rules that provide a more complete answer to your question. In short they place an emphasis on locally produced foods and goods (local defined as within 100 miles of Brighton), and want to make sure that you're not selling crap (literal or figurative).

Q: Mike Guethe - How much money do I need to never work again?

A: The literal answer to your question is $0 because you could stop working at any time and choose to live without needing money. That is a difficult proposition but it can be done. If you choose to go down that road I wish you the best of luck!

Let me also answer the question in the spirit in which it was asked. I don't know how old you are so I'll put your age down as 25. Assuming that you live until 80 you'll need 55 years worth of living expenses, so take your current monthly living expenses, multiply it by 12 and then again by 55. Of course, that's just to live. If you want more to life than just the necessities then there will be additional costs such as vacations, medical expenses, taxes, enjoyment costs, and bail money.

Here's a parting thought for you: if you choose to devote your life to something akin to the priesthood then the answer is $0. I know that this involves "work" but it's different enough from the "work" you're talking about that I thought I'd throw it in.

Q: Vanessa - When will Guethle first appear on an episode of North Woods Law on Animal Planet?

A: My knowledge of pop culture has more than doubled since I got married, however it was so low to begin with that the increase isn't that much. Hence I had not heard of this show prior to your question. After visiting the website and watching the "Coming this season" promotional video I can say that I won't be watching it, but I can understand the appeal. It features the Maine Warden Service operating in rural Maine and the hilarity than ensues.

I would say that Guethle will first appear on an episode once one or more of the following occur:

- Guethle befriends one of the Maine Warden Service officers on the show.

- Guethle engages in behavior that attracts the attention of the Maine Warden Service. 

- Guethle sleeps with one (or more) of the producers in exchange for camera time.

67 - Answers

Q: BillJ - Is Tupac still alive?
A: Sadly no.Tupac Shakur was shot on September 7, 1996 and died in the hospital six days later on September 13, 1996 of internal bleeding. I don't have time to go into it now but here's the wikipedia article of the East Coast vs. West Coast Rap Rivalry of the 90's. Enjoy!

Q: Mike Guethle - Why do white people like Wayne Brady so much?
A: As a certified white person (but not a member of the American Socialist White People's Party) I am qualified to comment on this. I enjoyed watching Wayne Brady during his time on Whose Line Is It Anyway?. He is a funny, talented performer with a good singing voice. Most recently he has acted as host on the TV show "Let's Make a Deal", which I haven't seen but he's been doing it for 5 years so he can't be too bad at it. He is not controversial, doesn't get his name all over TMZ, and (publicly at least) seams to have his act together. Therefore I would think that lots of kinds of people would like him.

Of course the definitive answer comes from the Chapelle Show's own Negrodamus: White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumball look like Malcolm X.

Q: democko - he lives! why can't Tom Brady get a high five?
A: Yes he does. Good to see you again, Mr. Democko. I had heard about this "story" but wasn't aware that it was such a big thing on the Internet. Lots of articles and blog posts and videos about this rather humorous thing. The cocky homer Patriots fan in me says that he can't do high-fives because his brain is so full of football awesomeness that there isn't room for such silly things. But having watched him play three games thus far I know that can't possibly be right.

So absent that I'd say that Tom Brady can't get a high-five because the people around him are just too damned busy or distracted to give him one. And that's sad. It makes me weep for Tom Brady. Well, maybe not weep exactly, or even feel sorry for him, but it makes me think about him. And that's probably the point.

Q: MattB - zomg Mit Ssob!
A: I assume that "zomg" is some kind of greeting that evolved since the last time I did this feature, so zomg right back at you!

Q: Barn - I still want to know why farts smell worse in the shower. I reject the previous response of "because you're showering with Banjo."
A: I did provide a pretty comprehensive answer to this question in Episode 63, which is provided below:

Q: Bridget Murray - Why do shower farts smell more than regular farts?
A: I think there are two reasons for this (and I base this on absolutely no medical knowledge or research):
1. Your body has had the chance to digest and process the food from the day before and thus generate a lot more gas. Concurrently that gas has had a chance to build up and become more, um, potent I guess is the polite way of putting it.
2. The confined space of a shower combined with the steam (presuming that you're not taking a cold shower, if you know what I mean) would have an amplifying effect on said fart.

I was going to leave the answer at that and then our own Matt Barrett chimed in with this gem: "Because you shower with Banjo." Never before in Ask Mitssob history has a user-provided answer been both concise and horrifying. I'd like to thank you for planting that mental image and thus denying me hours and hours of sleep. Well played, sir.

I stand by my original answer, though now that I think about it including the "because you shower with Banjo" portion was a mistake since I have no way of knowing whether showering with Banjo makes your shower farts smell worse. And no, before anyone asks, I'm not going to do the research necessary to find out.

As became tradition with Ask Mitssob, here are some user-provided insta-answers:

BillJ - It seems to me all smells are worse when wet. Maybe the water vapors get into your nose easier? I'll be interested to hear what he comes up with.
Banjo - I thought this was already answered in a satisfactory manner (aside from the very true statement "because you're showering with Banjo"). The steam and water vapor acts to mix constituents in the air much faster and more thoroughly than normal. While normal farts rely on standard brownian motion (lol in regard to farts) and diffusion to disperse, a fart in a hot shower with lots of steam will move much faster as it is borne by the bulk motion of the steam and air. Thus, a shower fart is generally more intense, but shorter lived, than a standard toot.

At this point I'm content to let this subject rest, but if the world keeps asking fart question then I'll keep answering fart questions.

Q: Jacob - Why should I ask you questions over Mike Guethle?
A: Excellent question. Before I answer, who is this so-called "Mike Guethle" anyway? I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but really, what are his qualifications? Has he ever watched The Room, one of the worst movies ever made, and provided analysis? Has he ever done an epic breakdown of Crimson Tide vs. The Hunt for Red October? Has he publicly pondered physics? I think not!

In short, you should ask me questions because I am superbly qualified to answer any and all of the questions you and your feeble mind could possibly imagine. I am, frankly, much smarter and better educated and more worldly and better looking and...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't keep going with that. Seriously, you should ask me questions because hopefully I can provide you with some answers, analysis, research, and entertainment. Thanks for playing.

Q: Jackie - Drive on parkway. Park on driveway... Discuss.
A: Normally I'd say something like, "That's not a question, try harder," but since I've been gone my editor has been striving to make me more, shall we say, friendly, so I'll skip that part.

This is another example of a question that I've tackled in the past, but it was a while ago so I'll happily cut-and-paste what I came up with last time.

Q: Bill Jeffers - Why DO we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
A: I can actually answer this classic question. No, really, I can. Just give me a minute and I think you'll be satisfied.

The answer to the first part of the question can be found by tracing back the meaning of the word "parkway". A parkway was originally a road that lead to and passed through a park or other scenic area. Thus the "park" part of the word "parkway" is literal, which I find interesting. As automobiles became popular new parkways were built. These were usually wide roads with landscaped medians, and while they still often lead to parks they also began to include longer scenic drives. Today a parkway generally means that it serves passenger vehicles only, and there are usually lower speed limits on them than on other highways.

And that's why you drive on a parkway.

The second part of the question is harder. A "driveway" is defined as a private road leading up to one or more buildings. Technically this includes the short little strips of asphalt that are in front of most houses, though I would really classify those as parking spots rather than a real driveway. In fact, that's my answer to the question. You don't really park in your driveway. You drive on your driveway until you reach the parking spots in front of your house.

Satisfied? No? Well I like the answer, and more to the point it's all you're going to get out of me on this one.

Oh, and one more thing: that's not a question, try harder. Thanks!

Q: Mattb - Ok, here's a question for you that I don't think was ever covered in a previous week (but correct me if I'm wrong). The issue of climate change has become a divisive topic, particularly along party lines. Democrats seem a lot more jazzed up about the issue while Republicans are generally more skeptical of the research that's out there. It would seem to me that an issue rooted in science shouldn't fall so cleanly on either side of the aisle but that's probably just my small, idealistic mind spewing out crazy ideas. Why has climate change become such a polarizing political issue?

A: Wow, not going to let me ease back into this, are you guys? Just going to make me hit the ground running on all cylinders. Before I start let me just state upfront that it's these political questions that usually take the longest for me to reason through and answer, which is why my answers are usually late. I'm going to try to be better but no promises.

I've talked about the issue of climate change a few times over the years. I had a back-and-forth with Jarsh about it back in 2008 and 2009 that I thought was interesting. In the interest of brevity I'll keep my answer narrowly tailored to your exact question. I'm sure that this topic will come up again so I won't try to answer all aspects of it this time.

To properly answer the question let me define "climate change" as "human-induced changes to the climate resulting in catastrophe for Earth". Even if you don't agree with this definition it will at least give you an understanding on where I'm coming from.

Your statement about this being "an issue rooted in science" is where the I think the disconnect is. Climate change has become a polarizing political issue because climate change is not about science. To people who believe in climate change it is about good vs. evil. If you "deny" climate change then you must be evil, and therefore you must be destroyed and silenced because evil cannot triumph over good. Republicans (of whom I count myself a member) are skeptical because of the track record of those on the left when it comes to predicting crisis during the past fifty years. A good article on this topic can be found here:

My view is that the climate is changing now, has changed in the past, and will change in the future. Why do we think that we are so special that we can change that change? That we can somehow move the Earth to an ideal temperature and climate? Seems pretty arrogant to me. And we think that we can predict what's coming? Or that computer models are accurate? Try this for a recent example where people are still figuring things out about the climate:

So in short it's political because the supporters and "believers" have made it that way. Whether that's a good or bad thing I won't comment on right now, but my door is always open!

Q: Brett - With the return of Ask Mit Ssob, can the return of the Brett Gobe Quiz of the Week be far behind?
A: I was unaware that the longest-running feature in Jolinko history had gone the way of Ask Mitssob. I hope that you decide to resurrect it. I think it will do you and us some good.

Q: karyn - WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU JULY 10-13????
A: I was navigating a bus full of drunk and disorderly college students (many of whom played musical instruments and all of whom were fans of a certain sport played on ice by people wearing metal blades on their feet) to a small college in Hamilton, NY. Unfortunately my navigation skills proved unequal to the task and I ended up directing the bus up a hill to a dead end and the bus became stuck in snow.

[Ed: Why was there snow in July in Hamilton, NY? I don't know, climate change maybe?]

Q: democko - is New Coke returning too?
A: I sincerely doubt it, though in the nostalgia cycle (where everything that was new and became old old is now new again) anything's possible.

In doing my research for this question (and this is part of Ask Mitssob that I missed a lot so thanks for the weird question) I learned quite a bit about the Coke/New Coke debacle of 1985. New Coke was first dreamed up in the early 1980's by marketing and sales executives at Coca Cola. Their goal was to stop the market share losses by Pepsi by coming up with a new taste for their classic beverage.

It was introduced on April 23, 1985 and was nearly instantaneously panned and rejected by the public. Oddly it was this very public that the marketing and sales executives had subjected to taste tests and who had told those marketing and sales executives that they liked the taste. Apparently they were wrong, which is an interesting subject all in itself (see Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink for a detailed study of that aspect of the story).

Three months after the epic fail Coca Cola reversed course and re-launched its original recipe as "Coca Cola Classic". New Coke was rebranded as Coke II in 1992 and lasted through the nineties until it was finally discontinued in 2002. So in light of all that I'd say that the odds of it making a return are slim, but again, anything's possible.

Q: M-L - WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU JULY 10-13????
A: I ran out of gas. I... I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locus. It wasn't my fault. I swear to god!

Q: BillJ - WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU JULY 10-13????
A: Okay, okay, fine, here's the truth: I was in my new house with my wife. We had just finished a month-long whirlwind where we:
1. Sold my old house in Chili, NY (sorry sports fans, Fort Mitssob is no more)
2. Finally found THE house (after looking at and rejecting houses since February). It was listed on a Wednesday, we looked at it on a Thursday afternoon, put an offer in Thursday evening and it was accepted at 11pm that night.
3. Put my wife's house in Irondequoit on the market. This involved me moving about 2/3 of our stuff into my storage unit (where I'd been keeping some of my stuff since moving in with her two years earlier), coordinating major repairs to plumbing, replacing carpet, cleaning, and making the house look presentable.
4. Sold my wife's house a week after it was listed (cash offer, no inspection, near asking price).
5. Closed on the new house and began moving some stuff over.
6. Had movers move our stuff from both the old house and the storage unit to the new house.
7. Begin the long and (still incomplete) task of turning our house into a home.

So unfortunately, even though reunion had been on my calendar for years, circumstances prevented me from going. And for that I am truly sorry and beg everyone's forgiveness.

Q: waits - When I talk to jolinko what am I actually talking to?
A: If by "talk to jolinko" you mean actually talking out loud to the website, then you're talking to whatever Internet browsing device you are using. So you're really talking to the Internet. It's basically a series of tubes.

[Ed: Making that joke multiple times does not make it funnier. Just making sure that you're paying attention.]

Q: Jacob - Why hasn't Mitssob answered our questions yet?
A: I'll take this as a hint that I need to be speedier and more responsive in my answers. [Ed: And would it kill you to up the quality while you're upping the speed? Unless you want me to actually develop a drug habit, this is all you're gonna get.">

Q: Sheamus - Where are my co-workers hiding the coffee?
A: If it was up your ass you'd know where it was. Sorry, that was impolite. But also true.

Anyway, the answer depends on your relationship with your co-workers and your company's relationship with coffee. Is coffee provided by your company? Do you have a kitchen area? In that case I would check there first. Next I'd check where office supplies are kept (that's where our extra coffee is hidden). Do you get along with your co-workers? If you do then you should ask them since I'm sure they have a better idea than me. If not then there are all kinds of ways to get the information out of them. Good luck in finding your coffee.

Q: waits - What prompted the mitssob to make his return?
A: A few things. I've been considering a re-launch since December (and even posted a couple things on the blogspot account formerly known as Ask Mittsob). I haven't sunk enough time into it yet so I figured an injection of questions from the place that started it all was called for. Also it's getting close to NaNoWriMo time again and I need to get back into the writing mentality, and what better way than answering your questions?

Q: democko - was it really Apple's fault that those nude photos were stolen from those poor celebrities?
A: Short answer: no.

Longer answer: As I understanding it the "hacking of iCloud's servers" that was so breathlessly reported on in August was actually hackers figuring out celebrities' passwords and using them to get to the photos on iCloud. Put another way, "hacking iCloud" would be like someone breaking into your car and hot-wiring it, while this incident was like someone stealing your keys and using them to steal your car.

A couple of thoughts on that incident. One interesting comment I read as it was all unfolding was that blaming the celebrities for having nude photos in the first place was blaming the victim. I understand this argument. Celebrities absolutely should have the freedom to take nude pictures of themselves for their own private use. However by its wording this argument is trying to establish equivalence with the "blaming the victim" argument that rapists use, and that makes me uncomfortable. If you're a celebrity then by definition your life is public. Therefore you should assume that if it's on your camera or your phone, assume that it's public. Period. Is that a good or a bad thing? I won't comment on that, it's just reality.

Another angle was that the problem was us (the public) and our desire for more and more information and details about celebrities. I actually agree with this argument, but to me it dodges the larger point, which is, again, IF YOU DON'T WANT NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET DON'T TAKE NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Returning to my car analogy, there is no legal difference between stealing a car outright and stealing the keys and using them to take the car. I submit that there's no difference here either. The people who did the "hacking" should be subject to the same laws and regulations as if they'd broken into the servers directly. I know it's not that simple. Once the pictures are out there there's no getting them back. So, say it with me:

IF YOU DON'T WANT NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET DON'T TAKE NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Q: democko - follow up question: Is Tim Cook taking Apple down the shitter? also, will you buy an AppleWatch?
A: I'm not sure I would go that far or state it so dramatically, but I agree that Tim Cook is taking Apple in a different direction than Steve Jobs did. The stock price of Apple has gone from $55/share to $100/share (with a few splits thrown in) since the passing of Steve Jobs, so financially he must be doing something right. Does that extend to design and products? I think the jury is still out but I'd say they're still innovating. Maybe not fast enough or as fast as the old days but I'm not ready to give up just yet.

And no, I'm not going to buy an Apple Watch, mostly due to the price point but also because it's not something I can justify right now.

Q: Sheamus - Did you bring me my Cheez Whiz, boy?
A: No, I did not. I don't know where you live. In fact, I don't even know who you are. Allow me to introduce myself. Tim Boss, former pep band president. Damned glad to meet you.

Now that we have that out of the way, the only true answer to your question is this.

Duck Duck Duck...DYNASTY!

Q (Editor): What are your thoughts on the Duck Dynasty controversy that blew up last week? Was A&E right to suspend Phil from the show?
A: I've been doing a lot of thinking about this topic. To catch people up, Phil Robertson gave an interview to GQ magazine (the full text of which can be seen here) several months ago in which he said a number of, well, colorful things. Early in the article the author pulls this bit of opinion out of Phil:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

I've been reading that this quote is homophobic. I can see how someone would interpret it that way, but to me that's an uncharitable reading. Phil is saying that he prefers heterosexual sex to homosexual sex. Does that make him a homophobe? No, it doesn't. He's stating a preference. But the reaction to it tells me that we've reached a point in the public discussion on homosexuality where it's no longer acceptable to tolerate. Now you must celebrate and champion, and anything less is considered to be denigration and hatred. Like it or not, that's where we are, and I'm not happy with this development.

Later Phil was asked this question by the author:

What, in your mind, is sinful?
“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

Like the first quote I can see how people would overreact to this if they chose to. But here's the thing: Phil was talking about sin, and in Christianity there's a lot of sin out there. Bestiality, homosexual behavior, stealing, being drunk, all sins. You can like that or not like it, but that's what the church teaches.

The specific issue people have is that they think Phil was equating homosexuality with bestiality. I'm interested in what leads people to come to that conclusion. Let's try this thought experiment: In a lecture to a group of students a professor says that arson, burglary, and manslaughter are all felonies. Does that mean that the professor is equating arson with manslaughter? Yes, in the sense that both are felonies, but not in the sense of the morality of the acts. Phil is quoting what Christianity says about morality in general. I think that the bigger morality point he was making was about promiscuity in general, be it with men, women, animal, whatever.

The other controversial thing that has emerged from the article was Phil's comments about his observations on race relations in America while he was growing up:

“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field.... They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!... Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

First, notice the qualifier at the start of the quote: "I never, with my eyes..." Now, is this a cop-out? Maybe. But let's assume for a second that he's being truthful about his recollections. Does this mean that he cast a blind eye towards the racism that was going on around him? I don't know, because he didn't say so. As I read it he was talking about the moral state of the community, not about the legal state. I think it's self-evident that blacks are better off without slavery and Jim Crow laws, but the critics of Phil seem to be saying that he doesn't think so. I think that this is an interesting debating tactic. Nothing in the quote says anything about slavery or Jim Crow. I wonder what the reaction would have been if he'd said that slavery and Jim Crow were bad things before opining on the morality question. I think that the critics would have ignored the preamble and raked him over the coals anyway, because he's from the south and probably a racist and, well, you know, right?

As an aside, the topic of morality is an interesting conversation about race relations in America that would be good to have. Were blacks in America better off "pre-entitlement, pre-welfare" like Phil says? But if a person who even brings up the topic is immediately shouted down with cries of "Racist! RACIST!", how can a conversation take place? It can't, and that's the point of the critics.

The common theme I'm seeing here is one of judgement. I need to think a little more about this but watch that space.


So was A&E right to suspend Phil from the show? That's a question that only the executives at A&E can answer. I can tell you that I would not have suspended him. In fact, I would have risen to his defense against the bullies in mainstream society. But I am not in charge of a cable channel. I can tell you that Duck Dynasty will likely be canceled and find a new home in cable, grow more popular, then fade out just as quickly because that's how things go in television. The next new thing will come along and Duck Dynasty will be a footnote in television history.

The Relaunch

[Editor's Note: It's been two and a half years since I last heard from Tim. Two and a half glorious, editing-free years. I kept tabs on him, of course, which is easy to do in these days of oversharing on social media sites. Thanks to Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare and Instagram I knew that he'd met a lovely young woman named Katie and that they are recently married. He looked happier than I'd ever seen him and from what I can tell the old cliché, "she's the best thing that ever happened to him" applies.

So when I got an email from Tim a few weeks ago I was a little surprised. I figured that he was happily settled into married life and that his other pursuits were keeping him busy. And they are, but what he told me was that he wanted to dust off the old site and use it to re-enter the public discussion.

In short, my days of editing Tim's rambling, incoherent writings are back. And to be honest, I'm excited. He seems motivated and enthusiastic about his writing again and that means that this might just be a fun job. Or it could flame out spectacularly. At this point I'll take either one.] 

For those of you just joining us, let me recap. Actually, I won't re-cap. I'll let my editor help me out with this.

Q: Hi, Tim. Welcome back.

A: Thanks.

Q: So what is this exactly?

A: This is the Internet. It's basically a series of tubes.

Q: You already made that joke. Try harder.

A: Sorry. This is an online question-and-answer site that I began back in 2006 under the name "Ask Mitssob."

Q: Who or what is "mitssob"?

A: Mitssob is a nickname I was given in college. It's my name spelled backwards.

Q: Why did you decide to come back now?

A: DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!

Q: (pauses) Um, what?

A: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch? Right?

Q: Actually it was LL Cool J, but I get your point.

A: The reason I'm coming back now is that the itch to resume has gotten too big for me to scratch. Or something.

Q: Huh?

A: How about this: I missed writing "Ask Mitssob". I've spent some time reading back over the questions and answers from years gone by and I remembered how much fun it was. So I decided to re-launch.

Q: Now that we've gotten that out of the way, what do you want to do here?

A: First and foremost I want to keep true to the original mission of "Ask Mitssob": taking random questions and giving random answers. It was a lot of fun and gave me a chance to learn and explore, so I want to keep doing that. I also want to start answering questions that I see in daily life and use those questions to tackle the news of the day and give my opinions on them.

Q: Will this be more political than the old "Ask Mitssob"?

A: Yes. In the old days I answered questions about some political topics, including elections, neoconservatism, and climate change hysteria. I enjoyed the chance to think through topics and develop my own personal ideology and beliefs. Lately I've had the urge to chime in on the public political discourse, but I also didn't want to clutter up my other personal social media. This brand and platform solves that problem. I've got both this blog and a twitter account, and will expand further as I develop the brand more.

Q: Why the name change? "Ask Mitssob" had a certain simple ring to it.

A: I know, but I also felt like it was time for a change. Like I said, I wanted to create a brand across multiple platforms, one that lets me separate my opinions from my other social media. I already use "mitssob" for my personal social media so I wanted to create a split. After thinking and trying various combinations on a piece of paper I finally came up with "Answer Boss". Simple, descriptive, and it works my name into it. Everybody wins.

Q: Except for people who loved the old name. You've kind of screwed them.

A: Well as the saying goes, you can't make an omelet without pissing people off.

Q: I see that your gift for rhetorical flourish needs as much work as it ever did.

A: And that you haven't lost your sense of humor.

Q: What other things are you going to use this site for?

A: The first side project I'm going to tackle is writing a review of a new book by Hugh Hewitt called "The Happiest Life". I've been a fan of Hugh and his eponymous radio show for many years. In fact, part of why I'm creating this platform is so that I can take a more active part in the Hughniverse. When Hugh announced that he was writing a new book and that he was looking for a "Street Team" I eagerly jumped on. Members get an advance e-copy of the book, and in exchange they have to write a review and promote the book on their social media network. It's a good first use of this new platform and I'm excited to try it out.

Q: Last question: can we expect to see an increase the quality of your writing?

A: Yes, but it will take time so please bear with me. I'm a bit rusty at this.

Q: Well good luck to both of us.

A: Likewise? Thanks? Not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that.

Q: Just sign off already. I've got other things to do.

A: OK. Thanks for coming back.