Friday, July 23, 2010

64 - Answers

Q: Jacob - How long will it be before Steve Jobs initiates kill mode on every apple product, turning each one into a pocket sized nuke and obliterating the human race to make way for a society of steve jobs (both male and female) clones?
A: Since I'm writing this answer with an iPhone 4 in my pocket (and yes, I'm also happy to see you) I hope that your theory is wrong. The sheer number of Apple products in the marketplace right now means that if Apple did have some sort of "kill switch" in their iPods, iPads, iMacs and iPhones they could cause considerable damage. The size of the explosive device would obviously play into how much damage. I do not believe that "pocket sized nukes" exist, so I'm not too worried. If you packed an iMac full of C4, though, I'm sure it would make a hell of a bang.

On a random note, when I was in middle school a friend of mine had a similar theory about Lee Iaococca and the wildly successful Chrysler family of minivans. It was his theory that Lee Iacococa had planted a small explosive device into every minivan sold (and remember that at the time, Chrystler was pretty much the only game in town when it came to minivans) and would one day detonate them to destroy the country. I find it funny that someone else has come up with that same theory over 15 years later.

Q: Jacob - Also, shouldn't you know the answer to your own question of "any questions"
A: I should, but there's always the risk that no one will ask any questions in a particular episode. On a couple of occasions I've only gotten one question which made for a very short week.

Q: Banjo - If you were writing a guidebook to being the Business Manager for the Clarkson Pep Band, what sort of advice might you give for future managers?
A: Great question. I served as business manager for the Pep Band for the 1999/2000 season and I'd like to think I didn't screw it up too badly. The following are my random thoughts about what I would tell young whippersnappers who yearn to be business managers for the Clarkson Pep Band.

1. Get one or two credit cards, preferably ones that provide some form of reward, and use those to book the travel expenses. You get reimbursed by the university and build up your credit rating and earn rewards at the same time.
2. Keep an eye out during the year for your successor. Get them to sit at the table with you as you peddle merchandise before games and as you take tickets at the Barben rooms. If you decide that they're not right then move on to the next candidate.
3. Don't use Suggestion #2 only to hook up with your fellow bandies. (Notice I said "only". If they're cute and competent then have at it!)
4. Don't bail the President out if s/he is arrested for public indecency.
5. Worry too much about your first bus trip. Print directions for the bus driver, double-check all hotel reservations, and watch traffic reports on where you're going.
6. Don't worry so much about the next trip.
7. Always be the least drunk person on the eBoard. In fact, it's best if you are sober during games and during the majority of time spent on road trips. Seriously. I'm not kidding.
8. Never ever EVER lose track of the envelope of cash. I mean not now, not ever, never.
9. See #8.

I would encourage other past business managers to chime in here with their thoughts and suggestions. It's a very rewarding experience and one that I highly recommend.

Q: Jon Otter - What ever happened to Caswell?
A: He and his lovely wife Heather live up in Massena, NY. I have seen the two of them at a couple of Clarkson Pep Band Reunion weekends over the years. They seem very happy and I hope that they're doing well.

Q: Vanessa - Will Lindsey Lohan ever realize shes a huge fuckup?
A: Try as I might I haven't been able to dig up any information about Lindsey Lohan. To my mind that means she can't be that much of a fuckup. Every time I search I keep getting redirected to some Hollywood starlet-gone-wrong named Lindsay Lohan. I presume that this person must be interesting because there are literally thousands of news stories about her.

I jest, of course. I know that you're asking about the aforementioned starlet-gone-wrong. So let's dig in. This is a complex social and societal question, one that I'm not even remotely qualified to answer for a number of reasons, not the least of which is my total and utter lack of interest. Let me be perfectly clear in the way that Ask Mitssob so rarely is:


But this feature is all about me looking into things for the benefit of my readers so let me boil this down to the basics in one horrible run-on sentence: She's a girl who used to model and now she acts and sings and when she's not doing that she drinks and takes drugs and she had a bunch of topless pictures taken of her and then she got some DUIs and spent 84 minutes in jail and then she got a bunch more DUIs and didn't show up for her hearings and now she's going to jail for 90 days and then into rehab for 90 days and then she's going to be naked in a movie called, "Inferno". The end? Of course not! I'm sure there will be much more from this girl in the future and that gossip websites will get millions of hits and gossip magazines will sell thousands of copies. But to reiterate:


And far be it from me to tell you all what to do with your lives, but I don't think you should give a crap either. Yes, she's a fuckup. I think that we can agree on that. But the question is whether she will ever realize it. My answer is no, she won't. She is a hip young starlet, immortal in the way that only hip young starlets can be. She's her own woman, out to show the world that there's nothing she can't do. The rules don't apply to her, goddammit! She's Lindsay Fucking Lohan! And so it's not worth our time. Let's just move on.

So in short, she won't ever realize that she's a fuckup. Am I sad? Nope. Do I care any more now than I did at the beginning of my answer? Nope. Did I at least have fun answering this question? Yeah, a little, I guess.

Q: Jacob - Is The Room really a black comedy or did Tommy wiseau just fail miserably at making a romance drama?
A: The Room is not a black comedy, nor do I think that Tommy Wiseau failed miserably at making a romance drama. I think Tommy Wiseau failed miserably, period. I don't know what he was trying to do, but whatever it was he failed. Epically, tragically, unquestioningly, failed.

Until now the worst movie I'd ever seen was a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie called SS Doomtrooper. I found out about it about two years ago when some of my coworkers and I started looking through the cast of the new Star Trek movie. We saw that the guy playing Sarek had been in a movie called SS Doomtrooper. The reviews on IMDB made it sound like something not to be missed so I set my DVR and watched it a few days later. It was an incomprehensible mess, just as hilariously stupid as the reviews led me to believe. I burned copies of the movie and passed them around to my coworkers and their assessment was the same.

Well step aside, SS Doomtrooper. The Room is now officially the worst movie I've ever seen.

It took me the better part of two days to watch this movie because I couldn't watch for more than five minutes at a time without fear of losing my mind. Seriously. From the first horrible line to the final stupid shot I alternated between laughing, screaming at the screen, and holding my head in agony. Never before have I seen such a combination of bad acting, bad writing, incoherent story, and unlikable characters. If it wasn't for Ask Mitssob I wouldn't have bothered finishing it, but just for you all I suffered through to the bitter end.

Here's my distillation of the plot (or at least as much of it as I can figure out): Johnny (played poorly by Tommy Wiseau himself) is a guy. His fiancé Lisa lives with him. They have awkward sex a couple of times featuring eyeball-searing shots of Tommy Wiseau's ass. There's a kid named Denny whose only function in the movie is to show up from time to time, be annoying, and then leave. Lisa's obnoxious mother comes over and Lisa announces that she doesn't love Johnny anymore. Then she (Lisa) has awkward sex with some random dude. That dude turns out to be Mark, Johnny's best friend. After that a couple show up and have sex in Johnny's apartment but it's OK because the woman is Lisa's friend Michelle. Then Denny gets beat up by a drug dealer on the roof but Johnny and Mark save the day and the drug dealer is never seen again. Later a guy named Peter shows up and plays the role of best actor in the movie (which is like being the world's tallest midget). The guys all play football in tuxedos on what I presume was Johnny and Lisa's wedding day, but there's no wedding. Lisa and Mark have awkward sex again. Lisa gets more annoying and has another awkward conversation with her mother about not loving Johnny and loving Mark. Lisa throws Johnny a surprise birthday party complete with a horrible rendition of "Happy Birthday" sung in four different keys by the cast. Lisa sends everyone outside and then tries to have sex with Mark but some random guy walks in and spoils it. Later Johnny announces to the party that "they're expecting", but Lisa reveals to random guy and Michelle that she lied. Random guy has the best line of the whole movie: "I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off." Indeed.

Anyway, Johnny and Mark fight and then they make up and then they fight again and Johnny storms off and locks himself in the bathroom. Lisa leaves to be with Mark and Johnny wanders around his apartment doing a bad impersonation of Peter Banner turning into the Hulk. Then he finds a gun and shoots himself. Mark and Lisa find him and cry. Lisa asks if they (she and Mark) can be together and Mark yells at her and says that she killed Johnny. Donny shows up and cries. Final shot is of Johnny lying in a pool of blood. The end.

This movie is the first ever to reach the final level of my movie rating scale (which I forgot to mention when I brought it up last year): Destroy All Copies. I will be deleting my copy shortly and I encourage anyone who has it to do the same for the benefit of all humanity.