Friday, October 31, 2014

69 - Answers

[Editor's Note: Tim has informed me that he's going to take the month of November off so that he can focus all of his time on NaNoWriMo. This year he's going to be writing a romantic comedy based on a couple that he and his wife met while on their honeymoon. I'd be lying if I said I was excited to edit it, but I am excited to see what he comes up with. He'll be back in the beginning of December ready to tackle whatever questions you can throw at him.]

Q: Mike Guethle - My cousin/neighbor is kind of a crazy bastard. He owns about 40 acres of open land with a trailer, a barn, lots of guns, and beer. He's 79 years old this year. His wife passed three years back, and his wife never liked cats much. However, he's been having trouble with mice for quite some time, so he got a barn cat. The cat will not stay in the barn.

Barn Cat has now migrated to my parents' property, spending most of its time in the swamp. However, Barn Cat has now begun coming to my grandma's dooryard for food. Reluctantly, she feeds Barn Cat. However, the two house cats dislike of Barn Cat. Like, freaking out in the fucking window at Barn Cat.

Will Barn Cat make it through the winter, and if so, how will he do so?
A: Two things before I get going. First, your cousin/neighbor sounds like just the kind of person who belongs on the show from last episode's question, so I'll append that answer with "send them a description of this situation." Second, have you considered a career as a pitchman for TV shows? Because I think you'd be pretty good at it.

I'll tackle the second part of your question first. From other questions and answers here I've deduced that you live somewhere in Maine, but regardless of where you live Barn Cat's survival depends on meeting the basic requirements for life:
1. Sustinance (food/water): Fresh water can be found in winter (eating snow, etc), but food is going to be a problem. I see that your grandmother is feeding the cat, but assuming that stops then Barn Cat is going to have to find another food source. If Barn Cat returns to the barn it could hunt critters that live there, or you could take the cat in yourself.
2. Shelter: To survive the harshness of Maine winters I would think that Barn Cat would return to the barn to live. Alternatively your grandmother may let the cat inside to survive, though I think that it would quickly get into a fight-to-the-death with the two inside cats.
3. Survival: This means fending off predators. Maine has a wide variety of plant and animal life. Reading the link I think that the biggest threat to Barn Cat would be lynx and coyotes. Black Bears, though common in Maine, are probably not going to go out of their way to take on a house cat, but a lynx or coyote would find Barn Cat a delicious meal.
4. Entertainment: Sounds like this is covered by Barn Cat's taunting of the two house cats through the window.

So with all of that said I will guess that Barn Cat will not make it through the winter without help from you or your family. Exposure and starvation seem to be the biggest threats, so if you and your family can solve those then you'll succeed in saving Barn Cat. Of course whether or not you want to see Barn Cat make it through the winter is really up to you.

Q: BillJ - In honor of episode 69, can you refresh us on the maximum/record number of orgasms a human can have in a day?
A: After a bit of research I finally found the answer courtesy of 500 by an English woman (sadly the article doesn't give the number for men). The numbers I came across more often were for most number of orgasms in an hour, which are 134 for a woman and 16 for a man. There are many other interesting records at that link, including for furthest ejaculation (6 meters in case you were wondering) and most bras removed in one minute (20).

Q: Jesse_Burton - Will I get charged for the first pizza I ordered but didn't answer the door for?
A: I don't think that you can be, even if you pay ahead by credit card. What you will do, however, is reduce the chances of the pizza delivery place making deliveries to your home in the future.

Q: Matt Neal - Who would win in a fight: Lizzy Borden or Anne Frank?
A: Having lived through high school I am familiar with Anne Frank. For those of you who aren't, she was a young girl who took refuge in Nazi-controlled Netherlands. She kept a diary of her experiences. After her family was discovered her diary was found by one of the people who was sheltering them and returned to her father after the war. It was eventually published and became a widely read historical account of the time. As such her diary is required reading in many junior high and high schools in the world, and has also been turned into many movies and plays.

Finding Lizzy Borden proved a little more difficult, presumably because of my oft-documented lack of cultural knowledge. The link above gave me the following possibilities:

4. Opera

I also found a Lizzie Borden, who was an axe murderer in the late 1800's.

I'll proceed by assuming that you mean the actress/wrestler since she seems to be the most culturally relevant of the bunch, so if I got that wrong then I'm sorry and I can revisit this another time. If the fight were held today then the clear loser would be Anne Frank for the simple fact that she's been dead for almost 70 years. But for the sake of argument let's assume that they've both alive and in peak physical form for their lives. Unfortunately for Anne Frank she's at a disadvantage since she wasn't very physically imposing ever, plus she died at age 15, which is before she reached her peak physical form, so I'm going to have to go with Lizzy Borden with this one.

Q: AndrewSmith - What is the best pumpkin beer available this year?
A: To research this question I bought the following beers from the craft beer section of my local Wegmans:
1. CB - Good beer flavor but a little too sweet for me. The pumpkinyness overwhelmed the other flavors in the beer in same way that many fruit beers do.
2. Harpoon Pumpkin Cider - Light and sweet, much like every other cider I've ever had. The most refreshing of the bunch but not the best flavor.
3. Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale - Very Sam Adams, also very pumpkiny. Not the best combination.
4. Saranac Pumpkin Ale - Medium pumpkin flavor, good beer flavor, all around most balanced.

My personal favorite was the Saranac Pumpkin Ale since it provided the best blend between beer and pumpkin. However, my personal favorite may not be your personal favorite, so I consulted my old friend the Internet and came up with the following lists:

As for which pumpkin beer is the "best" that's ultimately up to you. What are your criteria for the "best"? Is it amount of pumpkin flavor? Smell? How good it tastes when you throw it back up because you drank too much? I don't know how you judge those things, but hopefully my research leads you to your perfect pumpkin ale.

Q: waits - Are band aids inside those paper wrappers really sterile?
A: As one of millions of people who makes use of band-aids on a regular basis, lord I hope so! Luckily for all of us they are. They are manufactured and sealed in a sterile environment, and therefore remain sterile until you remove them from the paper packaging.

As a public service, here's an article I found while researching the question. Normally I'd say "hopefully you never have to use this" but let's be serious, life is risky and we all get cuts and scratches and scrapes, so hopefully this helps them to heal faster.

Q: Jacob - What can I do with an ass load of pears?
A: In part one of today's episode of "Mitssob Answers a Question With Biographical Information" we set the wayback machine to the summer of 2008. I had just purchased a house with, among other appealing features, a pretty-looking tree in the backyard. As I was mowing my lawn for the first time I noticed that the tree was producing small green/brown fruit. By the end of fall I had harvested about a dozen Wegmans bags of pears, which I think can reasonably be called an ass load.

All that is a long way of saying that I've been there and I can share some first-hand help.

As Bill pointed out in a side comment on this thread, you can adapt many apple recipes for pears and do pretty well. My two go-to recipes were pear crisp (made with apple crisp mix) and pear-sauce. The crisp was pretty good but the pear sauce needed some improvement (more on that in a minute).

Around the time I was harvesting the pears I found a life-changing recipe for bacon-apple pie. The recipe at the link is the original recipe I found and I love it because it replaces the sugar with maple syrup, giving the pie a delicious breafasty taste. I ended up making two of these with my pears and bringing them in to work to share them with my co-workers. I learned that fresh is best with these pies, meaning you should eat them as soon as they come out of the oven rather than re-heating them. 

As an epilogue to my sauce experiment let me pass on some tips I've learned. After I met and moved in with my now-wife we started making applesauce together. She has a simple recipe for preparing the apples (basically cut them up, add water and sugar, and let them cook for a few hours on low heat), and I would use a food mill to grind them up into the sauce. The food mill is great because it takes care of the seeds and skin for you and you end up with very tasty sauce that was much better than my earlier experiments. I highly recommend getting one if you plan on making sauce.

Finally, this wouldn't be much of an Ask Mitssob question without some off-the-cuff silly/goofy/downright stupid suggestions:
- Teach yourself how to juggle
- Load them into a pitching machine and work on your swing
- Keep them in your car and throw them at drivers who annoy you
- Give them out at Halloween
- Start your own bakery business using the above recipes

Q: M-L - I also am in the same predicament...Although I think I probably have a half ass load.
A: In that case I suggest that you half-ass the above suggestions.
[Ed: You don't pay me enough for this. Joke's on you, I don't pay you at all!]

Q: Sam Parker - Why is it so Goddamn hard to find someone who plays the fucking bagpipes?
A: First (and not to sound too condescending here), you should try being more polite. You sound very angry and worked-up about your inability to find a bagpiper and if that attitude is leaking into your search then I'm sure it's not helping. I know that if you were using the same method to find a "fucking drummer" I would probably back away slowly rather than offer my assistance.

Second, I did some searching but was unable to find any instrument called "fucking bagpipes". Apparently they are a lesser-known variant of bagpipes, so for now I'll just go with "bagpipes". 

Bagpipes are not a very common instrument so I'm not surprised you're having trouble finding a bagpiper. I suggest checking with your local town hall and asking whomever is in charge of organizing parades since that's where I've seen the greatest concentration of bagpipers, both in person and on TV. Of course you could always buy yourself a set of fucking bagpipes and learn how to play them yourself, then it wouldn't be so Goddamn hard to find someone who plays the fucking bagpipes because you'd be that someone.

Q: Jesse_Burton - What do you mean you people?
A: I mean you people. You know, you people? Over there? Doing that thing in that place? Right? Make sense?

Q: Jackie - Winter in Chicago is coming fast, what should I knock off of the list before the second polar vortex hits?
A: The definitive answer to this question comes from the classic movie Ferris Bueler's Day Off. In it they engage in several activities in and around Chicago including:
- Attending a Chicago Cubs game
- Visiting the Art Institute of Chicago and the Sears Tower
- Joining in the Von Steuben Day parade

I think that if you watch that movie and re-create those iconic adventures you'll have a great time and be able to head into the coming winter with lots of stories and memories.

Q: Bridget - We'll be house hunting in the winter season. How will this impact our house search, and are there different things that we should look for?
A: In part two of "Mitssob Answers a Question With Biographical Information" we go all the way back to February of 2014 and join my wife and I as we begin our search for a new home. We concentrated our search on Fairport, Penfield, Pittsford and Webster. The quantity of houses available is typically less in winter and we definitely had trouble finding houses to look at that met our criteria (4 bedroom, 2+ bathroom, 2 car garage, neighborhood, pool). We spent a couple months going to open houses and doing in-home visits with our outstanding and very patient real estate agent Michelle but didn't find anything that was "right". I put "right" in quotes because, as those of you who have house-hunted before can attest, sometimes you just know that a house is the right house for you. And we didn't get that feeling for quite a while until, as I described in our last episode, we finally found our current house in June. 

So again, I've been there and I can help.

The peak time to be looking for a house is when it's warm outside (spring through fall). Sellers can increase a house's curb appeal much easier by investing in landscaping, and buyers are more likely to leave their houses to look rather than hunkering down for the winter. Because of this, the first thing to note is that the real estate market on the whole is slower in winter. That means both fewer houses available and also fewer buyers out there looking. You can use that to your advantage if you find a house that you really love because there's probably less competition. The downside is that it's much less likely that "the house" will be on the market.

An advantage to looking in the winter is that you can see some practical things about the house. You can judge how energy efficient the windows are by checking for drafts. If the house you're looking for has a driveway then you can see for yourself how hard it would be to shovel/snowblow/plow it. You can see how friendly your new neighbors are by playfully throwing snowballs at them. 

Basically it's going to be a long project. If you know that going in and are patient then you can be successful, even in the slow period of winter. Best of luck in your house hunting!

Q: AndrewSmith - How much am I allowed to drink alone in my apt on a weeknight?
A: My first answer to your question was "as much as you damned well please", but as I was writing those words I noticed something about the question itself. You seem to be deferring to an external authority figure by asking this question the way that you did. I'm not sure if you meant to do that but I wanted to take a minute and talk it through from that perspective. Why is it any of my business how much you are "allowed" to drink As I see it, if you drink too much and die (either from drowning, alcohol poisoning, or other causes) then that's your fault. Also, if you drink too much and miss work and get fired, that's also your fault.

However, by asking how much you're "allowed" to drink, you're passing off the responsibilities for your decisions to someone else. And that can feel very liberating, but it also means that you're not actually in control of your life. You can't have rights without responsibilities, and so by passing off the responsibility that comes with the decision to drink to a third party, your right to drink can be taken away by that same third party.

Am I over-thinking this question? Of course, but it's something to consider as you work your way through life. Don't look outside yourself for responsibility. It's your life, dammit, drink as much as you like!

Q: Vanessa - I'm going to cut my hair next week after growing it out for about 5 years. What are some organizations that I can choose from for donating my hair, and what differentiates each of the organizations from the others?
A: [Ed: It took Tim three weeks to answer this round of questions so I'm sure you've already cut your hair and donated it by now, but I'll pass along his answer anyway. Sorry about that, I should have prodded him harder than usual.]

The most famous of these organizations ("famous" defined as "the first one that popped into my head when I read this question") is Locks of Love. They look like the most general of the organizations and have a good reputation. 

For more specific donations there are other specialized organizations. If you want to donate to a children-focused organization try Children With Hair Loss. If your concern is cancer patients the American Cancer Society recommends two organizations:
Wigs for Kids and Pantene Beautiful Lengths. I don't think you can go wrong with any of those organizations.

If you really want to go out on a limb you could always just find a random bald person on the street and offer them your hair. I don't recommend it, especially with so many other worthy alternatives for your donation, but it's an option.

Q: Jesse_Burton - When ke$ha brushes her teeth with a bottle of jack, does she put jack Daniels on the toothbrush or toothpaste on an actual bottle of jack Daniels?
A: Anyone who spells their name with a symbol instead of a letter probably isn't the brightest knife in the shed, so I'm going to go with putting toothpaste on the bottle of jack.

Q: Jacob - What makes a Domestic beer domestic compared to a beer brewed in the US.
A: A domestic beer (for the purposes of this answer the actual country doesn't matter) is a matter of impression as much as it is of legality. The over-simple answer is that domestic beer is domestic to the country from which it originates. However that's not as simple as it used to be. For example some imported beers (Becks for example) are actually brewed outside their country of origin, but they are still considered "imports" because their company of origin is not where it's brewed. Also, ingredients for the beer may come from various countries. Finally, the major corporations that actually own the big brewing companies often have headquarters outside their native countries.

Taking all of that into consideration I think that Domestic Beer can be considered beer that is served in the same country where people think that it comes from. Beer brewed in the US is just that: brewed in the US, regardless of the "country of origin". 

Q: Bridget - Is IKEA really as awesome as people make it out to be?
A: I have never stepped foot in an IKEA and so I am thoroughly unqualified to answer this question. While that usually doesn't stop me, I'm going to let it this time because, well, it's taken me a long enough time to answer these questions and I don't want to keep my readers waiting any longer. My only connection to IKEA is through one of my favorite sites on the internet LifeHacker. They often feature things done by IKEAHackers. I find the designs really interesting and if there were an IKEA nearby I'd be tempted to try out some of the designs. 

Q: Jesse_Burton - When will this episode of ask mittsob be answered?
A: Wait for it...wait for it...NOW!

Q: waits - Where did the song "here we sit like birds in the wilderness" originate?
A: This one came in WAY after I started answering so I'm going to save it for next time. Sorry!

Friday, October 10, 2014

68 - Answers

Q: Jacob - I see you watched The Room. How many times and have you read The Disaster Artist? Also how can I achieve monies like Tommy Wiseau?
A: I have only seen The Room once and let me assure those of you who haven't seen it that once is two times too many. It's not that it's just a bad movie, because it certainly is that. It's that it tries SOOOOOOO HAAAARRRD to be a real movie that you feel bad for it, but then you stop feeling bad for it because it's SOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAD. 

In 2013 Greg Sestero (who played Mark in the movie) and Tom Bissell released a book called The Disaster Artists: My Life Inside The Room describing Mark's experience making the movie and his friendship with Tommy Wiseau. The book has been optioned by James Franco's production company and is going to be made into a movie starring Franco as Tommy Wiseau. I have not read the book yet but just added it to my library's wish list. Once it comes in I'll be sure to read it.

The question about "monies" is one of the many mysteries surrounding Tommy Wiseau. "The Room" cost about $6,000,000 to make and people are not sure where he got the money for it. There are rumors of illegal activities, shady business partners, and even shadier foreign sources. So how can you get your very own secret, untapped vein of unlimited money to use for your own pet projects? 
- Legally: Earn the money, invest it wisely, and spend wisely until you have a pile big enough for your uses.
- Illegally: Start one or more of your own criminal enterprises (smuggle cigarettes, cook meth, run an offshore gambling site, etc.)
- More Illegally: Steal it. 
- Really Illegally: Print your own counterfeit money.

Best of luck in your new career generating monies!

Q: Barn - I've been feeling rather uninspired with writing lately. Should I take a break (it's already been like 6-7 weeks), or push through? Is it better to phone in writing for writings sake, or wait to feel inspired?
A: In my opinion you should push through. I've found that hurdles like that are best met with a full frontal assault. Just write. Lots. I've been told that if you want to be a writer then the first step is to write. The more you do it the better you're going to get at it. Like sex. 

Allow me to recommend my personal favorite writing experience as a way to break you out of your funk. National Novel Writing Month, as longtime readers of Ask Mitssob know, is a yearly writing competition that I've been participating in since 2004. The goal is to write 50,000 words of a novel (defined as original fiction) in the 30 days of November. The reason I think it will help you is that one of the driving principles of NaNoWriMo is quantity over quality. To meet the writing goals you are discouraged from editing, overthinking, etc. Just write until you hit your word count.

Hope you decide to join me in this, and if you do I hope it helps!

Q: Vanessa - A fun one to break up the questions: what is your favorite internet meme and why?
A: I've delayed answering this question to the end and ultimately haven't come to any good answer. There's just way too many to choose from, ranging from the good to the really good to the utterly stupid. But to choose a favorite would be like having to choose my favorite blade of grass. Or something. Sorry for the disappointing lack-of-answer here, if I have energy I'll take another look next week.

Q: Bill - Is ello good enough to eclipse the usership.of Facebook? Or will it just be Emohipsterbook and the rest of us will stay where we are?

(Insert non-answer here)

A: [Ed: Bill's got a point, you haven't been giving his questions very good answers lately. Well it's not my fault that he asks questions I don't feel like answering well!]

ello is an invitation-only social network that launched this summer and has been the subject of recent press hype. It was built with the promise that users' information will not be sold to or shared with third parties for use in advertising. Their mission statement can be found here and is printed below:

Your social network is owned by advertisers.

Every post you share, every friend you make, and every link you follow is tracked, recorded, and converted into data. Advertisers buy your data so they can show you more ads. You are the product that’s bought and sold.

We believe there is a better way. We believe in audacity. We believe in beauty, simplicity, and transparency. We believe that the people who make things and the people who use them should be in partnership.

We believe a social network can be a tool for empowerment. Not a tool to deceive, coerce, and manipulate — but a place to connect, create, and celebrate life.

You are not a product.

With that strong statement it seems that ello was born in response to growing user backlash against Facebook and Facebook's policies. Like many recent backlashes and controversies (coughWashingtonRedskinscough) I think that the voices of the few are being amplified beyond their actual influence and the caring of the public at large. Is Facebook selling/sharing users' information to make money? Of course! Do people care? The answer seems to be no, at least so far.

There are lots and lots and lots of social networks out there, not to mention other ways of oversharing yourself on the Internet. To answer the last part of your question, I think that people will gravitate to and stick with what works for them, which today means Facebook. 

As a postscript to this answer, in the time since you asked this question ello's 15 minutes of fame seem to have run out. Will they recover and gather a critical mass of users to do, well, whatever it is they're trying to do? I doubt it, but anything's possible.

Q: Gobe - What is the superior flavor, vanilla or french vanilla?
A: I have to go with French Vanilla for no other reason than the fact that creme brulee is one of my wife's favorite desserts.

Q: Jacob - Why are less processed, natural foods so much more expensive... TELL ME THIS!
A: Wow, ok, well, then let me TELL YOU THIS post-haste! In short it's because crop yields are lower for "natural foods" than for more traditional methods of farming. The crops do not grow as well and more of the crop is lost due to disease, and a similar thing is true for farm animals being raised for food. The trade-off is that the food is better for you because of lower amounts of insecticides and other chemicals. I won't get into which one is better or whether that trade-off is worth it, but it is a subject I find interesting to think about.

Q: Mike Guethle - I just drank two bottles of kitty wine and am about to take an evening jaunt to pound town with a girl that is going to England/Italy for a month. We've come to an agreement that hey, we've been doing whatever for 4ish weeks and we're going to be apart 4ish weeks, let's do our own thing for that time and then maybe get back together after.

What are my chances of catching ebola from her vagina when she returns?
A: You've just given me a great plot (and possibly title) for this year's novel. Thanks!

Also yuck.

One thing before I get going: for the first time in Ask Mitssob history I'm going to hide some details of an answer behind a spoiler tag. If you're sensitive about gross things I suggest that you skip it. Trust me. You've been warned.

You've been "doing whatever" with this girl for 4ish weeks, so I'll assume that this involves more than just holding hands. As I started to answer your question I stuck with the "more than holding hands" angle for her contracting Ebola, but it occurs to me that you're not asking HOW she contracts Ebola but rather what the odds are that she'll transmit it to you via her vagina upon her return.

So let's talk about Ebola. Ebola is transmitted by prolonged exposure to the bodily fluids of someone with the disease. The most contagious are blood and digestive fluids (vomit, diarrhea), though the virus can be found in semen and urine. One interesting thing about Ebola that makes it different from the cold or flu is that you are not contagious until you become symptomatic. To my mind this reduces the chances of sex, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The other point to note is that the incubation period for the disease is between 6 and 21 days. 

With that introduction let's start with the odds of her contracting the disease in the first place. As of today (October 7, 2014) Ebola has only spread to two first-world countries: ours and Spain. Given air travel and lax screening, odds are good that someone with the disease will end up landing in England or Italy by the time of her trip. In fact, I'll go so far as to say it's 100% probable. With that assumption, what are the odds that she's going to encounter one (or more) people who have Ebola and are contagious at the time of the encounter? I'll give that a very low probability, but it's also not zero.

OK, time for the really gross stuff. I interpret your question to mean "what are the chances that I will contract Ebola sexually from this girl?" So assuming that she contracts the disease and is infectious by the time she encounters you, we need to add another layer to the probability equation: transmission. Below are some, well, rather disgusting methods of sexual transmission of Ebola that I've dreamed up:

Vaginal Intercourse (10%): I assume unprotected and that there are bleeding wounds on both ends of the transaction, which would make transmission much more likely.
Rear Entry Intercourse (25%): To me this is the riskiest proposition since it puts your manhood in close proximity to the most dangerous of the bodily fluids associated with the transmission of Ebola. Ditto unprotected and bleeding wounds.
Oral (25%): Again, open bleeding wounds would make this pretty likely regardless of direction. If you're on the receiving end and she vomits that's the worst-case scenario.
Golden Shower (5%): While not technically "her vagina" I think it's close enough to count. Again, this would require some disease-allowing point of entry on your body.
German Scheizer Video (15%): Same as above but with the added bonus of involving the most dangerous bodily fluid.

So to minimize your chances of getting Ebola from her vagina, I would not engage in any of the above activities given the above disclaimers.

The final thing to note is the duration of her trip. If she contracts the disease on the last day of her visit then you have 21 days until she'd be symptomatic (and therefore contagious). So to reduce to zero your chances of "catching Ebola from her vagina" I would avoid any intimate physical contact for 21 days.

OK, that was horrible. I need to take a shower before moving on here. Blech!

Q: Oh wise Mitssob, what should I get Kallie for our first anniversary?
A: The first wedding anniversary (and congratulations again, by the way, not only for making it through a year of marriage but for finding someone kind and patient enough to agree to marry you in the first place) is the paper anniversary. While shopping for my own first anniversary I found some very interesting paper-themed gifts while looking at Etsy and Pinterest. Unfortunately nothing I found matched my wife's sense of style but maybe you'll have better luck than I did.

My original plan for a gift was for us to spend our first anniversary in a nice location with sandy beaches near the equator. Unfortunately due to a schedule mixup with my father's office the only time my parents were able to visit us over the summer was that weekend, so we're going to delay that trip until later this winter. We did take the whole week off and did the "staycation" thing, breaking it up with a romantic day/night in beautiful Niagara on the Lake. It's a charming little town with nice shops, a reputation for good theaters (we didn't take in a show but I've heard good things), and I recommend it if you're looking for a nice vacation spot close to home.

So to sum up, tradition says paper, Mitssob says vacation. Congratulations again and hope you and Kallie enjoy many more anniversaries together!

Q: What is the furthest North I can drive to in the eastern half of Canada?
A: I fired up Google Earth and spent a few minutes tracing roads in northern Quebec and Newfoundland provinces. As far as my tracings go the northernmost town you can get to by road in the eastern half of Canada is Cartwright, Newfoundland. I'm sure that there are unmarked roads and trails that you can drive on further north than that but I wouldn't venture much farther north without a good vehicle, a guide, and proper equipment.

Q: Jacob - Where can I find inexpensive barrels to ferment food in?
A: Depending on what you're trying to ferment I would suggest getting in touch with local wineries. They have many barrels used during the wine making process and might be willing to give you some old ones. They have the benefit of being watertight so they would probably work for your fermenting.

The word "barrels" implies that you're looking to find something large. If you need something big but not THAT big then you might want to try large plastic buckets with lids. 

Q: Sheamus - What's a pederast, Mitssob?
A: Shut the fuck up, Sheamus.

Sorry, again with the rudeness. However, in this case I think the jury will agree that you asked for it given the pop culture reference that you were making. Your honor? [Ed: Guilty as charged. Thank you, your honor.]

To answer your question, the dictionary definition of pederast is a man who desires or engages in sexual activity with boys.

Q: Jacob - Why does the term gastropub exist and why should we use it over other terms for a restaurant?
A: I blame hipsters. And racism. And global warming. Climate change. Whatever.

Anyway, a gastropub is a bar that serves better food than you would normally find in a bar. These places are often featured on one of my favorite shows, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. The name itself came about during the 1990s in places like California, New York, and Pennsylvania. The article doesn't go into why the term exists, but my guess is that it's marketing. If you want to distinguish your restaurant you need a clever, simple term to describe it. "A non-sketchy hipster bar that hired a good chef" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but "gastropub" does. It gets the point across and is catchy and memorable, which is perfect for marketing. 

Q: Jesse_Burton - Why do I like the smell of my own farts?
A: I guess I asked for this, didn't I? [Ed: I tried to warn you but did you listen? No, no one ever listens to me. Lesson learned, buddy.] Totally random guess based on nothing in particular is that the smell of your own farts reminds you (in some way) of the food you most recently ate, and if you liked that food then you like the smell of your own farts. 

That might be the biggest reach in the history of Ask Mitssob but I'll stick with it. 

Q: AndrewSmith - How much money do I need to open my own brewery?
A: What you need is an amount of money big enough to:
1. Buy the equipment/location/materials necessary to open said brewery.
2. Hire employees (if needed)
3. Pay taxes, fees, etc. related to starting this business.
4. Fund operations until you achieve profit.

The exact dollar figure depends on decisions that you'll have to make for yourself. Are you going to try to compete with Genesee Beer or are you going for a smaller market? Do you plan to live off of this or is it just a hobby? I can't answer those questions but hopefully my above list helps you get at an answer.

Q: Jacob - Related question, How do you get approval to sell food stuffs at craft fairs and the like?
A: I'll use the Brighton Farmer's Market as my example here. The link is to their vendor applications, which is how you get approval to sell goods and/or services at their location. The application is simple enough but it's the rules that provide a more complete answer to your question. In short they place an emphasis on locally produced foods and goods (local defined as within 100 miles of Brighton), and want to make sure that you're not selling crap (literal or figurative).

Q: Mike Guethe - How much money do I need to never work again?
A: The literal answer to your question is $0 because you could stop working at any time and choose to live without needing money. That is a difficult proposition but it can be done. If you choose to go down that road I wish you the best of luck!

Let me also answer the question in the spirit in which it was asked. I don't know how old you are so I'll put your age down as 25. Assuming that you live until 80 you'll need 55 years worth of living expenses, so take your current monthly living expenses, multiply it by 12 and then again by 55. Of course, that's just to live. If you want more to life than just the necessities then there will be additional costs such as vacations, medical expenses, taxes, enjoyment costs, and bail money.

Here's a parting thought for you: if you choose to devote your life to something akin to the priesthood then the answer is $0. I know that this involves "work" but it's different enough from the "work" you're talking about that I thought I'd throw it in.

Q: Vanessa - When will Guethle first appear on an episode of North Woods Law on Animal Planet?
A: My knowledge of pop culture has more than doubled since I got married, however it was so low to begin with that the increase isn't that much. Hence I had not heard of this show prior to your question. After visiting the website and watching the "Coming this season" promotional video I can say that I won't be watching it, but I can understand the appeal. It features the Maine Warden Service operating in rural Maine and the hilarity than ensues.

I would say that Guethle will first appear on an episode once one or more of the following occur:
- Guethle befriends one of the Maine Warden Service officers on the show.
- Guethle engages in behavior that attracts the attention of the Maine Warden Service. 
- Guethle sleeps with one (or more) of the producers in exchange for camera time.