68 - Answers

Q: Jacob - I see you watched The Room. How many times and have you read The Disaster Artist? Also how can I achieve monies like Tommy Wiseau?

A: I have only seen The Room once and let me assure those of you who haven't seen it that once is two times too many. It's not that it's just a bad movie, because it certainly is that. It's that it tries SOOOOOOO HAAAARRRD to be a real movie that you feel bad for it, but then you stop feeling bad for it because it's SOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAD. 

In 2013 Greg Sestero (who played Mark in the movie) and Tom Bissell released a book called The Disaster Artists: My Life Inside The Room describing Mark's experience making the movie and his friendship with Tommy Wiseau. The book has been optioned by James Franco's production company and is going to be made into a movie starring Franco as Tommy Wiseau. I have not read the book yet but just added it to my library's wish list. Once it comes in I'll be sure to read it.

The question about "monies" is one of the many mysteries surrounding Tommy Wiseau. "The Room" cost about $6,000,000 to make and people are not sure where he got the money for it. There are rumors of illegal activities, shady business partners, and even shadier foreign sources. So how can you get your very own secret, untapped vein of unlimited money to use for your own pet projects? 

- Legally: Earn the money, invest it wisely, and spend wisely until you have a pile big enough for your uses.

- Illegally: Start one or more of your own criminal enterprises (smuggle cigarettes, cook meth, run an offshore gambling site, etc.)

- More Illegally: Steal it. 

- Really Illegally: Print your own counterfeit money.

Best of luck in your new career generating monies!

Q: Barn - I've been feeling rather uninspired with writing lately. Should I take a break (it's already been like 6-7 weeks), or push through? Is it better to phone in writing for writings sake, or wait to feel inspired?

A: In my opinion you should push through. I've found that hurdles like that are best met with a full frontal assault. Just write. Lots. I've been told that if you want to be a writer then the first step is to write. The more you do it the better you're going to get at it. Like sex. 

Allow me to recommend my personal favorite writing experience as a way to break you out of your funk. National Novel Writing Month, as longtime readers of Ask Mitssob know, is a yearly writing competition that I've been participating in since 2004. The goal is to write 50,000 words of a novel (defined as original fiction) in the 30 days of November. The reason I think it will help you is that one of the driving principles of NaNoWriMo is quantity over quality. To meet the writing goals you are discouraged from editing, overthinking, etc. Just write until you hit your word count.

Hope you decide to join me in this, and if you do I hope it helps!

Q: Vanessa - A fun one to break up the questions: what is your favorite internet meme and why?

A: I've delayed answering this question to the end and ultimately haven't come to any good answer. There's just way too many to choose from, ranging from the good to the really good to the utterly stupid. But to choose a favorite would be like having to choose my favorite blade of grass. Or something. Sorry for the disappointing lack-of-answer here, if I have energy I'll take another look next week.

Q: Bill - Is ello good enough to eclipse the usership.of Facebook? Or will it just be Emohipsterbook and the rest of us will stay where we are?

(Insert non-answer here)

A: [Ed: Bill's got a point, you haven't been giving his questions very good answers lately. Well it's not my fault that he asks questions I don't feel like answering well!]

ello is an invitation-only social network that launched this summer and has been the subject of recent press hype. It was built with the promise that users' information will not be sold to or shared with third parties for use in advertising. Their mission statement can be found here and is printed below:

Your social network is owned by advertisers.

Every post you share, every friend you make, and every link you follow is tracked, recorded, and converted into data. Advertisers buy your data so they can show you more ads. You are the product that’s bought and sold.

We believe there is a better way. We believe in audacity. We believe in beauty, simplicity, and transparency. We believe that the people who make things and the people who use them should be in partnership.

We believe a social network can be a tool for empowerment. Not a tool to deceive, coerce, and manipulate — but a place to connect, create, and celebrate life.

You are not a product.

With that strong statement it seems that ello was born in response to growing user backlash against Facebook and Facebook's policies. Like many recent backlashes and controversies (coughWashingtonRedskinscough) I think that the voices of the few are being amplified beyond their actual influence and the caring of the public at large. Is Facebook selling/sharing users' information to make money? Of course! Do people care? The answer seems to be no, at least so far.

There are lots and lots and lots of social networks out there, not to mention other ways of oversharing yourself on the Internet. To answer the last part of your question, I think that people will gravitate to and stick with what works for them, which today means Facebook. 

As a postscript to this answer, in the time since you asked this question ello's 15 minutes of fame seem to have run out. Will they recover and gather a critical mass of users to do, well, whatever it is they're trying to do? I doubt it, but anything's possible.

Q: Gobe - What is the superior flavor, vanilla or french vanilla?

A: I have to go with French Vanilla for no other reason than the fact that creme brulee is one of my wife's favorite desserts.

Q: Jacob - Why are less processed, natural foods so much more expensive... TELL ME THIS!

A: Wow, ok, well, then let me TELL YOU THIS post-haste! In short it's because crop yields are lower for "natural foods" than for more traditional methods of farming. The crops do not grow as well and more of the crop is lost due to disease, and a similar thing is true for farm animals being raised for food. The trade-off is that the food is better for you because of lower amounts of insecticides and other chemicals. I won't get into which one is better or whether that trade-off is worth it, but it is a subject I find interesting to think about.

Q: Mike Guethle - I just drank two bottles of kitty wine and am about to take an evening jaunt to pound town with a girl that is going to England/Italy for a month. We've come to an agreement that hey, we've been doing whatever for 4ish weeks and we're going to be apart 4ish weeks, let's do our own thing for that time and then maybe get back together after.

What are my chances of catching ebola from her vagina when she returns?

A: You've just given me a great plot (and possibly title) for this year's novel. Thanks!

Also yuck.

One thing before I get going: for the first time in Ask Mitssob history I'm going to hide some details of an answer behind a spoiler tag. If you're sensitive about gross things I suggest that you skip it. Trust me. You've been warned.

You've been "doing whatever" with this girl for 4ish weeks, so I'll assume that this involves more than just holding hands. As I started to answer your question I stuck with the "more than holding hands" angle for her contracting Ebola, but it occurs to me that you're not asking HOW she contracts Ebola but rather what the odds are that she'll transmit it to you via her vagina upon her return.

So let's talk about Ebola. Ebola is transmitted by prolonged exposure to the bodily fluids of someone with the disease. The most contagious are blood and digestive fluids (vomit, diarrhea), though the virus can be found in semen and urine. One interesting thing about Ebola that makes it different from the cold or flu is that you are not contagious until you become symptomatic. To my mind this reduces the chances of sex, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The other point to note is that the incubation period for the disease is between 6 and 21 days. 

With that introduction let's start with the odds of her contracting the disease in the first place. As of today (October 7, 2014) Ebola has only spread to two first-world countries: ours and Spain. Given air travel and lax screening, odds are good that someone with the disease will end up landing in England or Italy by the time of her trip. In fact, I'll go so far as to say it's 100% probable. With that assumption, what are the odds that she's going to encounter one (or more) people who have Ebola and are contagious at the time of the encounter? I'll give that a very low probability, but it's also not zero.

[SPOILER]

OK, time for the really gross stuff. I interpret your question to mean "what are the chances that I will contract Ebola sexually from this girl?" So assuming that she contracts the disease and is infectious by the time she encounters you, we need to add another layer to the probability equation: transmission. Below are some, well, rather disgusting methods of sexual transmission of Ebola that I've dreamed up:

Vaginal Intercourse (10%): I assume unprotected and that there are bleeding wounds on both ends of the transaction, which would make transmission much more likely.

Rear Entry Intercourse (25%): To me this is the riskiest proposition since it puts your manhood in close proximity to the most dangerous of the bodily fluids associated with the transmission of Ebola. Ditto unprotected and bleeding wounds.

Oral (25%): Again, open bleeding wounds would make this pretty likely regardless of direction. If you're on the receiving end and she vomits that's the worst-case scenario.

Golden Shower (5%): While not technically "her vagina" I think it's close enough to count. Again, this would require some disease-allowing point of entry on your body.

German Scheizer Video (15%): Same as above but with the added bonus of involving the most dangerous bodily fluid.

So to minimize your chances of getting Ebola from her vagina, I would not engage in any of the above activities given the above disclaimers.

[/SPOILER]

The final thing to note is the duration of her trip. If she contracts the disease on the last day of her visit then you have 21 days until she'd be symptomatic (and therefore contagious). So to reduce to zero your chances of "catching Ebola from her vagina" I would avoid any intimate physical contact for 21 days.

OK, that was horrible. I need to take a shower before moving on here. Blech!

Q: Oh wise Mitssob, what should I get Kallie for our first anniversary?

A: The first wedding anniversary (and congratulations again, by the way, not only for making it through a year of marriage but for finding someone kind and patient enough to agree to marry you in the first place) is the paper anniversary. While shopping for my own first anniversary I found some very interesting paper-themed gifts while looking at Etsy and Pinterest. Unfortunately nothing I found matched my wife's sense of style but maybe you'll have better luck than I did.

My original plan for a gift was for us to spend our first anniversary in a nice location with sandy beaches near the equator. Unfortunately due to a schedule mixup with my father's office the only time my parents were able to visit us over the summer was that weekend, so we're going to delay that trip until later this winter. We did take the whole week off and did the "staycation" thing, breaking it up with a romantic day/night in beautiful Niagara on the Lake. It's a charming little town with nice shops, a reputation for good theaters (we didn't take in a show but I've heard good things), and I recommend it if you're looking for a nice vacation spot close to home.

So to sum up, tradition says paper, Mitssob says vacation. Congratulations again and hope you and Kallie enjoy many more anniversaries together!

Q: What is the furthest North I can drive to in the eastern half of Canada?

A: I fired up Google Earth and spent a few minutes tracing roads in northern Quebec and Newfoundland provinces. As far as my tracings go the northernmost town you can get to by road in the eastern half of Canada is Cartwright, Newfoundland. I'm sure that there are unmarked roads and trails that you can drive on further north than that but I wouldn't venture much farther north without a good vehicle, a guide, and proper equipment.

Q: Jacob - Where can I find inexpensive barrels to ferment food in?

A: Depending on what you're trying to ferment I would suggest getting in touch with local wineries. They have many barrels used during the wine making process and might be willing to give you some old ones. They have the benefit of being watertight so they would probably work for your fermenting.

The word "barrels" implies that you're looking to find something large. If you need something big but not THAT big then you might want to try large plastic buckets with lids. 

Q: Sheamus - What's a pederast, Mitssob?

A: Shut the fuck up, Sheamus.

Sorry, again with the rudeness. However, in this case I think the jury will agree that you asked for it given the pop culture reference that you were making. Your honor? [Ed: Guilty as charged. Thank you, your honor.]

To answer your question, the dictionary definition of pederast is a man who desires or engages in sexual activity with boys.

Q: Jacob - Why does the term gastropub exist and why should we use it over other terms for a restaurant?

A: I blame hipsters. And racism. And global warming. Climate change. Whatever.

Anyway, a gastropub is a bar that serves better food than you would normally find in a bar. These places are often featured on one of my favorite shows, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. The name itself came about during the 1990s in places like California, New York, and Pennsylvania. The article doesn't go into why the term exists, but my guess is that it's marketing. If you want to distinguish your restaurant you need a clever, simple term to describe it. "A non-sketchy hipster bar that hired a good chef" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but "gastropub" does. It gets the point across and is catchy and memorable, which is perfect for marketing. 

Q: Jesse_Burton - Why do I like the smell of my own farts?

A: I guess I asked for this, didn't I? [Ed: I tried to warn you but did you listen? No, no one ever listens to me. Lesson learned, buddy.] Totally random guess based on nothing in particular is that the smell of your own farts reminds you (in some way) of the food you most recently ate, and if you liked that food then you like the smell of your own farts. 

That might be the biggest reach in the history of Ask Mitssob but I'll stick with it. 

Q: AndrewSmith - How much money do I need to open my own brewery?

A: What you need is an amount of money big enough to:

1. Buy the equipment/location/materials necessary to open said brewery.

2. Hire employees (if needed)

3. Pay taxes, fees, etc. related to starting this business.

4. Fund operations until you achieve profit.

The exact dollar figure depends on decisions that you'll have to make for yourself. Are you going to try to compete with Genesee Beer or are you going for a smaller market? Do you plan to live off of this or is it just a hobby? I can't answer those questions but hopefully my above list helps you get at an answer.

Q: Jacob - Related question, How do you get approval to sell food stuffs at craft fairs and the like?

A: I'll use the Brighton Farmer's Market as my example here. The link is to their vendor applications, which is how you get approval to sell goods and/or services at their location. The application is simple enough but it's the rules that provide a more complete answer to your question. In short they place an emphasis on locally produced foods and goods (local defined as within 100 miles of Brighton), and want to make sure that you're not selling crap (literal or figurative).

Q: Mike Guethe - How much money do I need to never work again?

A: The literal answer to your question is $0 because you could stop working at any time and choose to live without needing money. That is a difficult proposition but it can be done. If you choose to go down that road I wish you the best of luck!

Let me also answer the question in the spirit in which it was asked. I don't know how old you are so I'll put your age down as 25. Assuming that you live until 80 you'll need 55 years worth of living expenses, so take your current monthly living expenses, multiply it by 12 and then again by 55. Of course, that's just to live. If you want more to life than just the necessities then there will be additional costs such as vacations, medical expenses, taxes, enjoyment costs, and bail money.

Here's a parting thought for you: if you choose to devote your life to something akin to the priesthood then the answer is $0. I know that this involves "work" but it's different enough from the "work" you're talking about that I thought I'd throw it in.

Q: Vanessa - When will Guethle first appear on an episode of North Woods Law on Animal Planet?

A: My knowledge of pop culture has more than doubled since I got married, however it was so low to begin with that the increase isn't that much. Hence I had not heard of this show prior to your question. After visiting the website and watching the "Coming this season" promotional video I can say that I won't be watching it, but I can understand the appeal. It features the Maine Warden Service operating in rural Maine and the hilarity than ensues.

I would say that Guethle will first appear on an episode once one or more of the following occur:

- Guethle befriends one of the Maine Warden Service officers on the show.

- Guethle engages in behavior that attracts the attention of the Maine Warden Service. 

- Guethle sleeps with one (or more) of the producers in exchange for camera time.

67 - Answers

Q: BillJ - Is Tupac still alive?
A: Sadly no.Tupac Shakur was shot on September 7, 1996 and died in the hospital six days later on September 13, 1996 of internal bleeding. I don't have time to go into it now but here's the wikipedia article of the East Coast vs. West Coast Rap Rivalry of the 90's. Enjoy!

Q: Mike Guethle - Why do white people like Wayne Brady so much?
A: As a certified white person (but not a member of the American Socialist White People's Party) I am qualified to comment on this. I enjoyed watching Wayne Brady during his time on Whose Line Is It Anyway?. He is a funny, talented performer with a good singing voice. Most recently he has acted as host on the TV show "Let's Make a Deal", which I haven't seen but he's been doing it for 5 years so he can't be too bad at it. He is not controversial, doesn't get his name all over TMZ, and (publicly at least) seams to have his act together. Therefore I would think that lots of kinds of people would like him.

Of course the definitive answer comes from the Chapelle Show's own Negrodamus: White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumball look like Malcolm X.

Q: democko - he lives! why can't Tom Brady get a high five?
A: Yes he does. Good to see you again, Mr. Democko. I had heard about this "story" but wasn't aware that it was such a big thing on the Internet. Lots of articles and blog posts and videos about this rather humorous thing. The cocky homer Patriots fan in me says that he can't do high-fives because his brain is so full of football awesomeness that there isn't room for such silly things. But having watched him play three games thus far I know that can't possibly be right.

So absent that I'd say that Tom Brady can't get a high-five because the people around him are just too damned busy or distracted to give him one. And that's sad. It makes me weep for Tom Brady. Well, maybe not weep exactly, or even feel sorry for him, but it makes me think about him. And that's probably the point.

Q: MattB - zomg Mit Ssob!
A: I assume that "zomg" is some kind of greeting that evolved since the last time I did this feature, so zomg right back at you!

Q: Barn - I still want to know why farts smell worse in the shower. I reject the previous response of "because you're showering with Banjo."
A: I did provide a pretty comprehensive answer to this question in Episode 63, which is provided below:

Q: Bridget Murray - Why do shower farts smell more than regular farts?
A: I think there are two reasons for this (and I base this on absolutely no medical knowledge or research):
1. Your body has had the chance to digest and process the food from the day before and thus generate a lot more gas. Concurrently that gas has had a chance to build up and become more, um, potent I guess is the polite way of putting it.
2. The confined space of a shower combined with the steam (presuming that you're not taking a cold shower, if you know what I mean) would have an amplifying effect on said fart.

I was going to leave the answer at that and then our own Matt Barrett chimed in with this gem: "Because you shower with Banjo." Never before in Ask Mitssob history has a user-provided answer been both concise and horrifying. I'd like to thank you for planting that mental image and thus denying me hours and hours of sleep. Well played, sir.

I stand by my original answer, though now that I think about it including the "because you shower with Banjo" portion was a mistake since I have no way of knowing whether showering with Banjo makes your shower farts smell worse. And no, before anyone asks, I'm not going to do the research necessary to find out.

As became tradition with Ask Mitssob, here are some user-provided insta-answers:

BillJ - It seems to me all smells are worse when wet. Maybe the water vapors get into your nose easier? I'll be interested to hear what he comes up with.
Banjo - I thought this was already answered in a satisfactory manner (aside from the very true statement "because you're showering with Banjo"). The steam and water vapor acts to mix constituents in the air much faster and more thoroughly than normal. While normal farts rely on standard brownian motion (lol in regard to farts) and diffusion to disperse, a fart in a hot shower with lots of steam will move much faster as it is borne by the bulk motion of the steam and air. Thus, a shower fart is generally more intense, but shorter lived, than a standard toot.

At this point I'm content to let this subject rest, but if the world keeps asking fart question then I'll keep answering fart questions.

Q: Jacob - Why should I ask you questions over Mike Guethle?
A: Excellent question. Before I answer, who is this so-called "Mike Guethle" anyway? I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but really, what are his qualifications? Has he ever watched The Room, one of the worst movies ever made, and provided analysis? Has he ever done an epic breakdown of Crimson Tide vs. The Hunt for Red October? Has he publicly pondered physics? I think not!

In short, you should ask me questions because I am superbly qualified to answer any and all of the questions you and your feeble mind could possibly imagine. I am, frankly, much smarter and better educated and more worldly and better looking and...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't keep going with that. Seriously, you should ask me questions because hopefully I can provide you with some answers, analysis, research, and entertainment. Thanks for playing.

Q: Jackie - Drive on parkway. Park on driveway... Discuss.
A: Normally I'd say something like, "That's not a question, try harder," but since I've been gone my editor has been striving to make me more, shall we say, friendly, so I'll skip that part.

This is another example of a question that I've tackled in the past, but it was a while ago so I'll happily cut-and-paste what I came up with last time.

Q: Bill Jeffers - Why DO we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
A: I can actually answer this classic question. No, really, I can. Just give me a minute and I think you'll be satisfied.

The answer to the first part of the question can be found by tracing back the meaning of the word "parkway". A parkway was originally a road that lead to and passed through a park or other scenic area. Thus the "park" part of the word "parkway" is literal, which I find interesting. As automobiles became popular new parkways were built. These were usually wide roads with landscaped medians, and while they still often lead to parks they also began to include longer scenic drives. Today a parkway generally means that it serves passenger vehicles only, and there are usually lower speed limits on them than on other highways.

And that's why you drive on a parkway.

The second part of the question is harder. A "driveway" is defined as a private road leading up to one or more buildings. Technically this includes the short little strips of asphalt that are in front of most houses, though I would really classify those as parking spots rather than a real driveway. In fact, that's my answer to the question. You don't really park in your driveway. You drive on your driveway until you reach the parking spots in front of your house.

Satisfied? No? Well I like the answer, and more to the point it's all you're going to get out of me on this one.

Oh, and one more thing: that's not a question, try harder. Thanks!

Q: Mattb - Ok, here's a question for you that I don't think was ever covered in a previous week (but correct me if I'm wrong). The issue of climate change has become a divisive topic, particularly along party lines. Democrats seem a lot more jazzed up about the issue while Republicans are generally more skeptical of the research that's out there. It would seem to me that an issue rooted in science shouldn't fall so cleanly on either side of the aisle but that's probably just my small, idealistic mind spewing out crazy ideas. Why has climate change become such a polarizing political issue?

A: Wow, not going to let me ease back into this, are you guys? Just going to make me hit the ground running on all cylinders. Before I start let me just state upfront that it's these political questions that usually take the longest for me to reason through and answer, which is why my answers are usually late. I'm going to try to be better but no promises.

I've talked about the issue of climate change a few times over the years. I had a back-and-forth with Jarsh about it back in 2008 and 2009 that I thought was interesting. In the interest of brevity I'll keep my answer narrowly tailored to your exact question. I'm sure that this topic will come up again so I won't try to answer all aspects of it this time.

To properly answer the question let me define "climate change" as "human-induced changes to the climate resulting in catastrophe for Earth". Even if you don't agree with this definition it will at least give you an understanding on where I'm coming from.

Your statement about this being "an issue rooted in science" is where the I think the disconnect is. Climate change has become a polarizing political issue because climate change is not about science. To people who believe in climate change it is about good vs. evil. If you "deny" climate change then you must be evil, and therefore you must be destroyed and silenced because evil cannot triumph over good. Republicans (of whom I count myself a member) are skeptical because of the track record of those on the left when it comes to predicting crisis during the past fifty years. A good article on this topic can be found here:

My view is that the climate is changing now, has changed in the past, and will change in the future. Why do we think that we are so special that we can change that change? That we can somehow move the Earth to an ideal temperature and climate? Seems pretty arrogant to me. And we think that we can predict what's coming? Or that computer models are accurate? Try this for a recent example where people are still figuring things out about the climate:

So in short it's political because the supporters and "believers" have made it that way. Whether that's a good or bad thing I won't comment on right now, but my door is always open!

Q: Brett - With the return of Ask Mit Ssob, can the return of the Brett Gobe Quiz of the Week be far behind?
A: I was unaware that the longest-running feature in Jolinko history had gone the way of Ask Mitssob. I hope that you decide to resurrect it. I think it will do you and us some good.

Q: karyn - WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU JULY 10-13????
A: I was navigating a bus full of drunk and disorderly college students (many of whom played musical instruments and all of whom were fans of a certain sport played on ice by people wearing metal blades on their feet) to a small college in Hamilton, NY. Unfortunately my navigation skills proved unequal to the task and I ended up directing the bus up a hill to a dead end and the bus became stuck in snow.

[Ed: Why was there snow in July in Hamilton, NY? I don't know, climate change maybe?]

Q: democko - is New Coke returning too?
A: I sincerely doubt it, though in the nostalgia cycle (where everything that was new and became old old is now new again) anything's possible.

In doing my research for this question (and this is part of Ask Mitssob that I missed a lot so thanks for the weird question) I learned quite a bit about the Coke/New Coke debacle of 1985. New Coke was first dreamed up in the early 1980's by marketing and sales executives at Coca Cola. Their goal was to stop the market share losses by Pepsi by coming up with a new taste for their classic beverage.

It was introduced on April 23, 1985 and was nearly instantaneously panned and rejected by the public. Oddly it was this very public that the marketing and sales executives had subjected to taste tests and who had told those marketing and sales executives that they liked the taste. Apparently they were wrong, which is an interesting subject all in itself (see Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink for a detailed study of that aspect of the story).

Three months after the epic fail Coca Cola reversed course and re-launched its original recipe as "Coca Cola Classic". New Coke was rebranded as Coke II in 1992 and lasted through the nineties until it was finally discontinued in 2002. So in light of all that I'd say that the odds of it making a return are slim, but again, anything's possible.

Q: M-L - WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU JULY 10-13????
A: I ran out of gas. I... I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locus. It wasn't my fault. I swear to god!

Q: BillJ - WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU JULY 10-13????
A: Okay, okay, fine, here's the truth: I was in my new house with my wife. We had just finished a month-long whirlwind where we:
1. Sold my old house in Chili, NY (sorry sports fans, Fort Mitssob is no more)
2. Finally found THE house (after looking at and rejecting houses since February). It was listed on a Wednesday, we looked at it on a Thursday afternoon, put an offer in Thursday evening and it was accepted at 11pm that night.
3. Put my wife's house in Irondequoit on the market. This involved me moving about 2/3 of our stuff into my storage unit (where I'd been keeping some of my stuff since moving in with her two years earlier), coordinating major repairs to plumbing, replacing carpet, cleaning, and making the house look presentable.
4. Sold my wife's house a week after it was listed (cash offer, no inspection, near asking price).
5. Closed on the new house and began moving some stuff over.
6. Had movers move our stuff from both the old house and the storage unit to the new house.
7. Begin the long and (still incomplete) task of turning our house into a home.

So unfortunately, even though reunion had been on my calendar for years, circumstances prevented me from going. And for that I am truly sorry and beg everyone's forgiveness.

Q: waits - When I talk to jolinko what am I actually talking to?
A: If by "talk to jolinko" you mean actually talking out loud to the website, then you're talking to whatever Internet browsing device you are using. So you're really talking to the Internet. It's basically a series of tubes.

[Ed: Making that joke multiple times does not make it funnier. Just making sure that you're paying attention.]

Q: Jacob - Why hasn't Mitssob answered our questions yet?
A: I'll take this as a hint that I need to be speedier and more responsive in my answers. [Ed: And would it kill you to up the quality while you're upping the speed? Unless you want me to actually develop a drug habit, this is all you're gonna get.">

Q: Sheamus - Where are my co-workers hiding the coffee?
A: If it was up your ass you'd know where it was. Sorry, that was impolite. But also true.

Anyway, the answer depends on your relationship with your co-workers and your company's relationship with coffee. Is coffee provided by your company? Do you have a kitchen area? In that case I would check there first. Next I'd check where office supplies are kept (that's where our extra coffee is hidden). Do you get along with your co-workers? If you do then you should ask them since I'm sure they have a better idea than me. If not then there are all kinds of ways to get the information out of them. Good luck in finding your coffee.

Q: waits - What prompted the mitssob to make his return?
A: A few things. I've been considering a re-launch since December (and even posted a couple things on the blogspot account formerly known as Ask Mittsob). I haven't sunk enough time into it yet so I figured an injection of questions from the place that started it all was called for. Also it's getting close to NaNoWriMo time again and I need to get back into the writing mentality, and what better way than answering your questions?

Q: democko - was it really Apple's fault that those nude photos were stolen from those poor celebrities?
A: Short answer: no.

Longer answer: As I understanding it the "hacking of iCloud's servers" that was so breathlessly reported on in August was actually hackers figuring out celebrities' passwords and using them to get to the photos on iCloud. Put another way, "hacking iCloud" would be like someone breaking into your car and hot-wiring it, while this incident was like someone stealing your keys and using them to steal your car.

A couple of thoughts on that incident. One interesting comment I read as it was all unfolding was that blaming the celebrities for having nude photos in the first place was blaming the victim. I understand this argument. Celebrities absolutely should have the freedom to take nude pictures of themselves for their own private use. However by its wording this argument is trying to establish equivalence with the "blaming the victim" argument that rapists use, and that makes me uncomfortable. If you're a celebrity then by definition your life is public. Therefore you should assume that if it's on your camera or your phone, assume that it's public. Period. Is that a good or a bad thing? I won't comment on that, it's just reality.

Another angle was that the problem was us (the public) and our desire for more and more information and details about celebrities. I actually agree with this argument, but to me it dodges the larger point, which is, again, IF YOU DON'T WANT NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET DON'T TAKE NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Returning to my car analogy, there is no legal difference between stealing a car outright and stealing the keys and using them to take the car. I submit that there's no difference here either. The people who did the "hacking" should be subject to the same laws and regulations as if they'd broken into the servers directly. I know it's not that simple. Once the pictures are out there there's no getting them back. So, say it with me:

IF YOU DON'T WANT NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET DON'T TAKE NUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Q: democko - follow up question: Is Tim Cook taking Apple down the shitter? also, will you buy an AppleWatch?
A: I'm not sure I would go that far or state it so dramatically, but I agree that Tim Cook is taking Apple in a different direction than Steve Jobs did. The stock price of Apple has gone from $55/share to $100/share (with a few splits thrown in) since the passing of Steve Jobs, so financially he must be doing something right. Does that extend to design and products? I think the jury is still out but I'd say they're still innovating. Maybe not fast enough or as fast as the old days but I'm not ready to give up just yet.

And no, I'm not going to buy an Apple Watch, mostly due to the price point but also because it's not something I can justify right now.

Q: Sheamus - Did you bring me my Cheez Whiz, boy?
A: No, I did not. I don't know where you live. In fact, I don't even know who you are. Allow me to introduce myself. Tim Boss, former pep band president. Damned glad to meet you.

Now that we have that out of the way, the only true answer to your question is this.

64 - Answers

Q: Jacob - How long will it be before Steve Jobs initiates kill mode on every apple product, turning each one into a pocket sized nuke and obliterating the human race to make way for a society of steve jobs (both male and female) clones?
A: Since I'm writing this answer with an iPhone 4 in my pocket (and yes, I'm also happy to see you) I hope that your theory is wrong. The sheer number of Apple products in the marketplace right now means that if Apple did have some sort of "kill switch" in their iPods, iPads, iMacs and iPhones they could cause considerable damage. The size of the explosive device would obviously play into how much damage. I do not believe that "pocket sized nukes" exist, so I'm not too worried. If you packed an iMac full of C4, though, I'm sure it would make a hell of a bang.

On a random note, when I was in middle school a friend of mine had a similar theory about Lee Iaococca and the wildly successful Chrysler family of minivans. It was his theory that Lee Iacococa had planted a small explosive device into every minivan sold (and remember that at the time, Chrystler was pretty much the only game in town when it came to minivans) and would one day detonate them to destroy the country. I find it funny that someone else has come up with that same theory over 15 years later.

Q: Jacob - Also, shouldn't you know the answer to your own question of "any questions"
A: I should, but there's always the risk that no one will ask any questions in a particular episode. On a couple of occasions I've only gotten one question which made for a very short week.

Q: Banjo - If you were writing a guidebook to being the Business Manager for the Clarkson Pep Band, what sort of advice might you give for future managers?
A: Great question. I served as business manager for the Pep Band for the 1999/2000 season and I'd like to think I didn't screw it up too badly. The following are my random thoughts about what I would tell young whippersnappers who yearn to be business managers for the Clarkson Pep Band.

1. Get one or two credit cards, preferably ones that provide some form of reward, and use those to book the travel expenses. You get reimbursed by the university and build up your credit rating and earn rewards at the same time.
2. Keep an eye out during the year for your successor. Get them to sit at the table with you as you peddle merchandise before games and as you take tickets at the Barben rooms. If you decide that they're not right then move on to the next candidate.
3. Don't use Suggestion #2 only to hook up with your fellow bandies. (Notice I said "only". If they're cute and competent then have at it!)
4. Don't bail the President out if s/he is arrested for public indecency.
5. Worry too much about your first bus trip. Print directions for the bus driver, double-check all hotel reservations, and watch traffic reports on where you're going.
6. Don't worry so much about the next trip.
7. Always be the least drunk person on the eBoard. In fact, it's best if you are sober during games and during the majority of time spent on road trips. Seriously. I'm not kidding.
8. Never ever EVER lose track of the envelope of cash. I mean not now, not ever, never.
9. See #8.

I would encourage other past business managers to chime in here with their thoughts and suggestions. It's a very rewarding experience and one that I highly recommend.

Q: Jon Otter - What ever happened to Caswell?
A: He and his lovely wife Heather live up in Massena, NY. I have seen the two of them at a couple of Clarkson Pep Band Reunion weekends over the years. They seem very happy and I hope that they're doing well.

Q: Vanessa - Will Lindsey Lohan ever realize shes a huge fuckup?
A: Try as I might I haven't been able to dig up any information about Lindsey Lohan. To my mind that means she can't be that much of a fuckup. Every time I search I keep getting redirected to some Hollywood starlet-gone-wrong named Lindsay Lohan. I presume that this person must be interesting because there are literally thousands of news stories about her.

I jest, of course. I know that you're asking about the aforementioned starlet-gone-wrong. So let's dig in. This is a complex social and societal question, one that I'm not even remotely qualified to answer for a number of reasons, not the least of which is my total and utter lack of interest. Let me be perfectly clear in the way that Ask Mitssob so rarely is:

I.
Just.
Don't.
Give.
A.
Crap.

But this feature is all about me looking into things for the benefit of my readers so let me boil this down to the basics in one horrible run-on sentence: She's a girl who used to model and now she acts and sings and when she's not doing that she drinks and takes drugs and she had a bunch of topless pictures taken of her and then she got some DUIs and spent 84 minutes in jail and then she got a bunch more DUIs and didn't show up for her hearings and now she's going to jail for 90 days and then into rehab for 90 days and then she's going to be naked in a movie called, "Inferno". The end? Of course not! I'm sure there will be much more from this girl in the future and that gossip websites will get millions of hits and gossip magazines will sell thousands of copies. But to reiterate:

I.
Just.
Don't.
Give.
A.
Crap.

And far be it from me to tell you all what to do with your lives, but I don't think you should give a crap either. Yes, she's a fuckup. I think that we can agree on that. But the question is whether she will ever realize it. My answer is no, she won't. She is a hip young starlet, immortal in the way that only hip young starlets can be. She's her own woman, out to show the world that there's nothing she can't do. The rules don't apply to her, goddammit! She's Lindsay Fucking Lohan! And so it's not worth our time. Let's just move on.

So in short, she won't ever realize that she's a fuckup. Am I sad? Nope. Do I care any more now than I did at the beginning of my answer? Nope. Did I at least have fun answering this question? Yeah, a little, I guess.

Q: Jacob - Is The Room really a black comedy or did Tommy wiseau just fail miserably at making a romance drama?
A: The Room is not a black comedy, nor do I think that Tommy Wiseau failed miserably at making a romance drama. I think Tommy Wiseau failed miserably, period. I don't know what he was trying to do, but whatever it was he failed. Epically, tragically, unquestioningly, failed.

Until now the worst movie I'd ever seen was a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie called SS Doomtrooper. I found out about it about two years ago when some of my coworkers and I started looking through the cast of the new Star Trek movie. We saw that the guy playing Sarek had been in a movie called SS Doomtrooper. The reviews on IMDB made it sound like something not to be missed so I set my DVR and watched it a few days later. It was an incomprehensible mess, just as hilariously stupid as the reviews led me to believe. I burned copies of the movie and passed them around to my coworkers and their assessment was the same.

Well step aside, SS Doomtrooper. The Room is now officially the worst movie I've ever seen.

It took me the better part of two days to watch this movie because I couldn't watch for more than five minutes at a time without fear of losing my mind. Seriously. From the first horrible line to the final stupid shot I alternated between laughing, screaming at the screen, and holding my head in agony. Never before have I seen such a combination of bad acting, bad writing, incoherent story, and unlikable characters. If it wasn't for Ask Mitssob I wouldn't have bothered finishing it, but just for you all I suffered through to the bitter end.

Here's my distillation of the plot (or at least as much of it as I can figure out): Johnny (played poorly by Tommy Wiseau himself) is a guy. His fiancé Lisa lives with him. They have awkward sex a couple of times featuring eyeball-searing shots of Tommy Wiseau's ass. There's a kid named Denny whose only function in the movie is to show up from time to time, be annoying, and then leave. Lisa's obnoxious mother comes over and Lisa announces that she doesn't love Johnny anymore. Then she (Lisa) has awkward sex with some random dude. That dude turns out to be Mark, Johnny's best friend. After that a couple show up and have sex in Johnny's apartment but it's OK because the woman is Lisa's friend Michelle. Then Denny gets beat up by a drug dealer on the roof but Johnny and Mark save the day and the drug dealer is never seen again. Later a guy named Peter shows up and plays the role of best actor in the movie (which is like being the world's tallest midget). The guys all play football in tuxedos on what I presume was Johnny and Lisa's wedding day, but there's no wedding. Lisa and Mark have awkward sex again. Lisa gets more annoying and has another awkward conversation with her mother about not loving Johnny and loving Mark. Lisa throws Johnny a surprise birthday party complete with a horrible rendition of "Happy Birthday" sung in four different keys by the cast. Lisa sends everyone outside and then tries to have sex with Mark but some random guy walks in and spoils it. Later Johnny announces to the party that "they're expecting", but Lisa reveals to random guy and Michelle that she lied. Random guy has the best line of the whole movie: "I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off." Indeed.

Anyway, Johnny and Mark fight and then they make up and then they fight again and Johnny storms off and locks himself in the bathroom. Lisa leaves to be with Mark and Johnny wanders around his apartment doing a bad impersonation of Peter Banner turning into the Hulk. Then he finds a gun and shoots himself. Mark and Lisa find him and cry. Lisa asks if they (she and Mark) can be together and Mark yells at her and says that she killed Johnny. Donny shows up and cries. Final shot is of Johnny lying in a pool of blood. The end.

This movie is the first ever to reach the final level of my movie rating scale (which I forgot to mention when I brought it up last year): Destroy All Copies. I will be deleting my copy shortly and I encourage anyone who has it to do the same for the benefit of all humanity.