69 - Answers

[Editor's Note: Tim has informed me that he's going to take the month of November off so that he can focus all of his time on NaNoWriMo. This year he's going to be writing a romantic comedy based on a couple that he and his wife met while on their honeymoon. I'd be lying if I said I was excited to edit it, but I am excited to see what he comes up with. He'll be back in the beginning of December ready to tackle whatever questions you can throw at him.]

Q: Mike Guethle - My cousin/neighbor is kind of a crazy bastard. He owns about 40 acres of open land with a trailer, a barn, lots of guns, and beer. He's 79 years old this year. His wife passed three years back, and his wife never liked cats much. However, he's been having trouble with mice for quite some time, so he got a barn cat. The cat will not stay in the barn.

Barn Cat has now migrated to my parents' property, spending most of its time in the swamp. However, Barn Cat has now begun coming to my grandma's dooryard for food. Reluctantly, she feeds Barn Cat. However, the two house cats dislike of Barn Cat. Like, freaking out in the fucking window at Barn Cat.

Will Barn Cat make it through the winter, and if so, how will he do so?

A: Two things before I get going. First, your cousin/neighbor sounds like just the kind of person who belongs on the show from last episode's question, so I'll append that answer with "send them a description of this situation." Second, have you considered a career as a pitchman for TV shows? Because I think you'd be pretty good at it.

I'll tackle the second part of your question first. From other questions and answers here I've deduced that you live somewhere in Maine, but regardless of where you live Barn Cat's survival depends on meeting the basic requirements for life:

1. Sustinance (food/water): Fresh water can be found in winter (eating snow, etc), but food is going to be a problem. I see that your grandmother is feeding the cat, but assuming that stops then Barn Cat is going to have to find another food source. If Barn Cat returns to the barn it could hunt critters that live there, or you could take the cat in yourself.

2. Shelter: To survive the harshness of Maine winters I would think that Barn Cat would return to the barn to live. Alternatively your grandmother may let the cat inside to survive, though I think that it would quickly get into a fight-to-the-death with the two inside cats.

3. Survival: This means fending off predators. Maine has a wide variety of plant and animal life. Reading the link I think that the biggest threat to Barn Cat would be lynx and coyotes. Black Bears, though common in Maine, are probably not going to go out of their way to take on a house cat, but a lynx or coyote would find Barn Cat a delicious meal.

4. Entertainment: Sounds like this is covered by Barn Cat's taunting of the two house cats through the window.

So with all of that said I will guess that Barn Cat will not make it through the winter without help from you or your family. Exposure and starvation seem to be the biggest threats, so if you and your family can solve those then you'll succeed in saving Barn Cat. Of course whether or not you want to see Barn Cat make it through the winter is really up to you.

Q: BillJ - In honor of episode 69, can you refresh us on the maximum/record number of orgasms a human can have in a day?

A: After a bit of research I finally found the answer courtesy of TopTenz.net: 500 by an English woman (sadly the article doesn't give the number for men). The numbers I came across more often were for most number of orgasms in an hour, which are 134 for a woman and 16 for a man. There are many other interesting records at that link, including for furthest ejaculation (6 meters in case you were wondering) and most bras removed in one minute (20).

Q: Jesse_Burton - Will I get charged for the first pizza I ordered but didn't answer the door for?

A: I don't think that you can be, even if you pay ahead by credit card. What you will do, however, is reduce the chances of the pizza delivery place making deliveries to your home in the future.

Q: Matt Neal - Who would win in a fight: Lizzy Borden or Anne Frank?

A: Having lived through high school I am familiar with Anne Frank. For those of you who aren't, she was a young girl who took refuge in Nazi-controlled Netherlands. She kept a diary of her experiences. After her family was discovered her diary was found by one of the people who was sheltering them and returned to her father after the war. It was eventually published and became a widely read historical account of the time. As such her diary is required reading in many junior high and high schools in the world, and has also been turned into many movies and plays.

Finding Lizzy Borden proved a little more difficult, presumably because of my oft-documented lack of cultural knowledge. The link above gave me the following possibilities:

1. Director

2. Band (named for lead singer)

3. Pornographic actress and former wrestler

4. Opera

I also found a Lizzie Borden, who was an axe murderer in the late 1800's.

I'll proceed by assuming that you mean the actress/wrestler since she seems to be the most culturally relevant of the bunch, so if I got that wrong then I'm sorry and I can revisit this another time. If the fight were held today then the clear loser would be Anne Frank for the simple fact that she's been dead for almost 70 years. But for the sake of argument let's assume that they've both alive and in peak physical form for their lives. Unfortunately for Anne Frank she's at a disadvantage since she wasn't very physically imposing ever, plus she died at age 15, which is before she reached her peak physical form, so I'm going to have to go with Lizzy Borden with this one.

Q: AndrewSmith - What is the best pumpkin beer available this year?

A: To research this question I bought the following beers from the craft beer section of my local Wegmans:

1. CB - Good beer flavor but a little too sweet for me. The pumpkinyness overwhelmed the other flavors in the beer in same way that many fruit beers do.

2. Harpoon Pumpkin Cider - Light and sweet, much like every other cider I've ever had. The most refreshing of the bunch but not the best flavor.

3. Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale - Very Sam Adams, also very pumpkiny. Not the best combination.

4. Saranac Pumpkin Ale - Medium pumpkin flavor, good beer flavor, all around most balanced.

My personal favorite was the Saranac Pumpkin Ale since it provided the best blend between beer and pumpkin. However, my personal favorite may not be your personal favorite, so I consulted my old friend the Internet and came up with the following lists:

- Beeradvocate

- Draft Magazine

- Business Insider

As for which pumpkin beer is the "best" that's ultimately up to you. What are your criteria for the "best"? Is it amount of pumpkin flavor? Smell? How good it tastes when you throw it back up because you drank too much? I don't know how you judge those things, but hopefully my research leads you to your perfect pumpkin ale.

Q: waits - Are band aids inside those paper wrappers really sterile?

A: As one of millions of people who makes use of band-aids on a regular basis, lord I hope so! Luckily for all of us they are. They are manufactured and sealed in a sterile environment, and therefore remain sterile until you remove them from the paper packaging.

As a public service, here's an article I found while researching the question. Normally I'd say "hopefully you never have to use this" but let's be serious, life is risky and we all get cuts and scratches and scrapes, so hopefully this helps them to heal faster.

Q: Jacob - What can I do with an ass load of pears?

A: In part one of today's episode of "Mitssob Answers a Question With Biographical Information" we set the wayback machine to the summer of 2008. I had just purchased a house with, among other appealing features, a pretty-looking tree in the backyard. As I was mowing my lawn for the first time I noticed that the tree was producing small green/brown fruit. By the end of fall I had harvested about a dozen Wegmans bags of pears, which I think can reasonably be called an ass load.

All that is a long way of saying that I've been there and I can share some first-hand help.

As Bill pointed out in a side comment on this thread, you can adapt many apple recipes for pears and do pretty well. My two go-to recipes were pear crisp (made with apple crisp mix) and pear-sauce. The crisp was pretty good but the pear sauce needed some improvement (more on that in a minute).

Around the time I was harvesting the pears I found a life-changing recipe for bacon-apple pie. The recipe at the link is the original recipe I found and I love it because it replaces the sugar with maple syrup, giving the pie a delicious breafasty taste. I ended up making two of these with my pears and bringing them in to work to share them with my co-workers. I learned that fresh is best with these pies, meaning you should eat them as soon as they come out of the oven rather than re-heating them. 

As an epilogue to my sauce experiment let me pass on some tips I've learned. After I met and moved in with my now-wife we started making applesauce together. She has a simple recipe for preparing the apples (basically cut them up, add water and sugar, and let them cook for a few hours on low heat), and I would use a food mill to grind them up into the sauce. The food mill is great because it takes care of the seeds and skin for you and you end up with very tasty sauce that was much better than my earlier experiments. I highly recommend getting one if you plan on making sauce.

Finally, this wouldn't be much of an Ask Mitssob question without some off-the-cuff silly/goofy/downright stupid suggestions:

- Teach yourself how to juggle

- Load them into a pitching machine and work on your swing

- Keep them in your car and throw them at drivers who annoy you

- Give them out at Halloween

- Start your own bakery business using the above recipes

Q: M-L - I also am in the same predicament...Although I think I probably have a half ass load.

A: In that case I suggest that you half-ass the above suggestions.

[Ed: You don't pay me enough for this. Joke's on you, I don't pay you at all!]

Q: Sam Parker - Why is it so Goddamn hard to find someone who plays the fucking bagpipes?

A: First (and not to sound too condescending here), you should try being more polite. You sound very angry and worked-up about your inability to find a bagpiper and if that attitude is leaking into your search then I'm sure it's not helping. I know that if you were using the same method to find a "fucking drummer" I would probably back away slowly rather than offer my assistance.

Second, I did some searching but was unable to find any instrument called "fucking bagpipes". Apparently they are a lesser-known variant of bagpipes, so for now I'll just go with "bagpipes". 

Bagpipes are not a very common instrument so I'm not surprised you're having trouble finding a bagpiper. I suggest checking with your local town hall and asking whomever is in charge of organizing parades since that's where I've seen the greatest concentration of bagpipers, both in person and on TV. Of course you could always buy yourself a set of fucking bagpipes and learn how to play them yourself, then it wouldn't be so Goddamn hard to find someone who plays the fucking bagpipes because you'd be that someone.

Q: Jesse_Burton - What do you mean you people?

A: I mean you people. You know, you people? Over there? Doing that thing in that place? Right? Make sense?

Q: Jackie - Winter in Chicago is coming fast, what should I knock off of the list before the second polar vortex hits?

A: The definitive answer to this question comes from the classic movie Ferris Bueler's Day Off. In it they engage in several activities in and around Chicago including:

- Attending a Chicago Cubs game

- Visiting the Art Institute of Chicago and the Sears Tower

- Joining in the Von Steuben Day parade

I think that if you watch that movie and re-create those iconic adventures you'll have a great time and be able to head into the coming winter with lots of stories and memories.

Q: Bridget - We'll be house hunting in the winter season. How will this impact our house search, and are there different things that we should look for?

A: In part two of "Mitssob Answers a Question With Biographical Information" we go all the way back to February of 2014 and join my wife and I as we begin our search for a new home. We concentrated our search on Fairport, Penfield, Pittsford and Webster. The quantity of houses available is typically less in winter and we definitely had trouble finding houses to look at that met our criteria (4 bedroom, 2+ bathroom, 2 car garage, neighborhood, pool). We spent a couple months going to open houses and doing in-home visits with our outstanding and very patient real estate agent Michelle but didn't find anything that was "right". I put "right" in quotes because, as those of you who have house-hunted before can attest, sometimes you just know that a house is the right house for you. And we didn't get that feeling for quite a while until, as I described in our last episode, we finally found our current house in June. 

So again, I've been there and I can help.

The peak time to be looking for a house is when it's warm outside (spring through fall). Sellers can increase a house's curb appeal much easier by investing in landscaping, and buyers are more likely to leave their houses to look rather than hunkering down for the winter. Because of this, the first thing to note is that the real estate market on the whole is slower in winter. That means both fewer houses available and also fewer buyers out there looking. You can use that to your advantage if you find a house that you really love because there's probably less competition. The downside is that it's much less likely that "the house" will be on the market.

An advantage to looking in the winter is that you can see some practical things about the house. You can judge how energy efficient the windows are by checking for drafts. If the house you're looking for has a driveway then you can see for yourself how hard it would be to shovel/snowblow/plow it. You can see how friendly your new neighbors are by playfully throwing snowballs at them. 

Basically it's going to be a long project. If you know that going in and are patient then you can be successful, even in the slow period of winter. Best of luck in your house hunting!

Q: AndrewSmith - How much am I allowed to drink alone in my apt on a weeknight?

A: My first answer to your question was "as much as you damned well please", but as I was writing those words I noticed something about the question itself. You seem to be deferring to an external authority figure by asking this question the way that you did. I'm not sure if you meant to do that but I wanted to take a minute and talk it through from that perspective. Why is it any of my business how much you are "allowed" to drink As I see it, if you drink too much and die (either from drowning, alcohol poisoning, or other causes) then that's your fault. Also, if you drink too much and miss work and get fired, that's also your fault.

However, by asking how much you're "allowed" to drink, you're passing off the responsibilities for your decisions to someone else. And that can feel very liberating, but it also means that you're not actually in control of your life. You can't have rights without responsibilities, and so by passing off the responsibility that comes with the decision to drink to a third party, your right to drink can be taken away by that same third party.

Am I over-thinking this question? Of course, but it's something to consider as you work your way through life. Don't look outside yourself for responsibility. It's your life, dammit, drink as much as you like!

Q: Vanessa - I'm going to cut my hair next week after growing it out for about 5 years. What are some organizations that I can choose from for donating my hair, and what differentiates each of the organizations from the others?

A: [Ed: It took Tim three weeks to answer this round of questions so I'm sure you've already cut your hair and donated it by now, but I'll pass along his answer anyway. Sorry about that, I should have prodded him harder than usual.]

The most famous of these organizations ("famous" defined as "the first one that popped into my head when I read this question") is Locks of Love. They look like the most general of the organizations and have a good reputation. 

For more specific donations there are other specialized organizations. If you want to donate to a children-focused organization try Children With Hair Loss. If your concern is cancer patients the American Cancer Society recommends two organizations:

Wigs for Kids and Pantene Beautiful Lengths. I don't think you can go wrong with any of those organizations.

If you really want to go out on a limb you could always just find a random bald person on the street and offer them your hair. I don't recommend it, especially with so many other worthy alternatives for your donation, but it's an option.

Q: Jesse_Burton - When ke$ha brushes her teeth with a bottle of jack, does she put jack Daniels on the toothbrush or toothpaste on an actual bottle of jack Daniels?

A: Anyone who spells their name with a symbol instead of a letter probably isn't the brightest knife in the shed, so I'm going to go with putting toothpaste on the bottle of jack.

Q: Jacob - What makes a Domestic beer domestic compared to a beer brewed in the US.

A: A domestic beer (for the purposes of this answer the actual country doesn't matter) is a matter of impression as much as it is of legality. The over-simple answer is that domestic beer is domestic to the country from which it originates. However that's not as simple as it used to be. For example some imported beers (Becks for example) are actually brewed outside their country of origin, but they are still considered "imports" because their company of origin is not where it's brewed. Also, ingredients for the beer may come from various countries. Finally, the major corporations that actually own the big brewing companies often have headquarters outside their native countries.

Taking all of that into consideration I think that Domestic Beer can be considered beer that is served in the same country where people think that it comes from. Beer brewed in the US is just that: brewed in the US, regardless of the "country of origin". 

Q: Bridget - Is IKEA really as awesome as people make it out to be?

A: I have never stepped foot in an IKEA and so I am thoroughly unqualified to answer this question. While that usually doesn't stop me, I'm going to let it this time because, well, it's taken me a long enough time to answer these questions and I don't want to keep my readers waiting any longer. My only connection to IKEA is through one of my favorite sites on the internet LifeHacker. They often feature things done by IKEAHackers. I find the designs really interesting and if there were an IKEA nearby I'd be tempted to try out some of the designs. 

Q: Jesse_Burton - When will this episode of ask mittsob be answered?

A: Wait for it...wait for it...NOW!

Q: waits - Where did the song "here we sit like birds in the wilderness" originate?

A: This one came in WAY after I started answering so I'm going to save it for next time. Sorry!

58 - Answers

Q: Matt - Since I'm both lazy and fed up with the pop-culture-obsessed society we are members of, I haven't really been following the Tiger Woods story. All I know is that he crashed his car after possibly being beaten up by his wife because he cheated on her with some skank, but it seems like there might be more details of the story that I haven't paid attention to. Could you give me/us a synopsis of what's been happening with golf's golden boy?
A: Before I tackle the full answer (and trust me, this is going to take a while), I have to give you credit for summarizing the Tiger Woods Saga (or, as Bill Simmons has called it, "Tiger Zoo") better than anyone else in the media. You've pretty much nailed the important details of the story in one simple half sentence. Of course the truth of this sad affair is far more complex and nuanced than that, but still, bravo!

OK, so let's get started with this. I think the first thing we need is a timeline of facts. On December 3rd the L.A. Times provided a good timeline of the first few days of the saga, and I'll be using that to help fill in some details.

1. On Tuesday, November 24th, 2009 Tiger Woods leaves a voicemail on the phone of Jaimee Grubbs, a 24 year old cocktail waitress in LA. In the message he tells the woman that "My wife went through my phone and may be calling you." He asks the woman to remove her name from her voicemail account.

2. Thanksgiving Week the National Enquirer breaks a story about Tiger Woods allegedly having an affair with a woman named Rachel Uchitel.

3. At 2:25am on Friday, November 27th Tiger Woods left his house and drove his Cadillac Escalade SUV into a fire hydrant and then into a tree.
- The Florida Highway Patrol say that alcohol was not a factor in the accident.
- Tiger's wife Elin broke the rear windows of the car with a golf club.
- He had cuts in his lips and blood in his mouth, but was otherwise unharmed.
- Neighbors report that Tiger was in and out of consciousness after the crash.

4. Over the weekend of November 26th:
- Tiger Woods puts off making statements to the Florida Highway Patrol regarding the incident. He schedules a news conference for Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 during a charity golf tournament that he is sponsoring.
- He releases a statement about the incident saying that "I'm human and I'm not perfect" and asking for privacy.
- Finally on Monday he withdraws from the tournament and cancels the news conference.

5. On Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 Tiger Woods is fined $164 for "careless driving" and the Florida Highway Patrol closes its investigation.

6. On Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009 Us Weekly publishes a story revealing the voicemail that Tiger left Jaimee Grubbs. He releases a statement in which he says, "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart."

7. Over the next few days over a dozen women come forward claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods. The number is somewhere between 11 and 17.

8. On Monday, December 11th, 2009 Tiger Woods announces that he is taking an "indefinite break" from golf.

9. Sponsors begin to drop Tiger from their advertising, including Gatorade, Gillette, Accenture, and AT&T.

So that's where we stand right now. To me the most interesting question is why it took so long for this to come out? I believe that the answer is money, pure and simple. Tiger Woods the celebrity endorser is (or at least was) worth a LOT of money. His face was on billboards and television commercials and video games. His name adorned all manner of products. He had an image of a squeaky-clean family man, cultivated and maintained and good. But what did we really know about him? The image of Tiger Woods was one thing, but the man Tiger Woods now appears to be something else entirely. It's an interesting study in public relations and media management that could easily take months to unravel and analyze.

Another reason it took so long to come out was that there was an active effort to keep the story quiet, dating all the way back to 2007. A article entitled "How Tiger Protected His Image" was printed in the Wall Street Journal on December 18th. In it the author reveals how Tiger Woods' affairs were discovered by the National Enquirer in 2007 and that he was able to keep the story quiet by doing an exclusive piece for Men's Health, which is owned by the same publisher as the National Enquirer. This tells me that not only did people know about Tiger's affairs, but that that knowledge was fairly widely known. Because Tiger Woods' image was so valuable it was in people's best interests to keep it cleaned and buffed as much as possible.

But now the story is out there. 2010 is going to be a very interesting year in the world of golf and for golf's biggest name. We'll just have to keep watching and talking and gossiping all the way through it.

Q: Rani - Should anyone ask the Eliot Spitzer call girl for advice? http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/spitzer_babe_answers_4duaVqTCJHA38suGawuaiM
A: I admit that I was unaware that the Eliot Spitzer call girl (Ashley Dupre) had an advice column. I just read one of her pieces and I'm actually impressed at her writing ability. That having been said I personally don't think that anyone should ask her for advice. Then again I don't think anyone should be asking me for advice either. The people to best ask for advice are your friends and family. They undoubtedly know you better than a stranger writing a newspaper advice column or a random guy who writes an online question-and-answer website.

Q: Sam - was it irresponsible for me to spend the $$ i had been saving for a new computer on another guitar?
A: This depends on a number of factors. In fact, this question would probably be best answered with a flow chart, but since I don't have the time or inclination to create one I'll just break the variables out in a quasi-programming language. This should be fun.

if (your old computer works) then (NOT IRRESPONSIBLE)
else if (your old computer has gone tits up) then
{
if (you need a computer) then IRRESPONSIBLE
else NOT IRRESPONSIBLE
}

Note that this analysis is using only your need for a computer as a variable. If your need for a guitar is greater than your need for a computer then you'll have to adjust the code a bit to suit your needs. But judging from the wording of your question I'd say you've already made your choice.

Q: Tara - What kind of red wine goes well with Ham for christmas dinner? And, any suggestions on a menu for 8 adults and 4 picky children? Also - do you think that Tom Brady's baby number 2 is making him play poorly due to lack of sleep?
A: Three questions for the price of one!

1. I am not generally a fan of red wines, but lately I've been expanding my palate. I think with a Ham you're going to want to go with a not-quite-as dry red wine. I would suggest a general red table wine, or maybe a blend of different red wines (Cab-Sav or Cab-Franc).

2. I would suggest ignoring the needs of the picky children and instead focus on pleasing the 8 adults. In my experience children are very difficult to please when it comes to food, so I would instead try and find something that will satisfy the 8 adults. I think you'll get more return for your efforts that way.

3. An interesting theory, but I think that Brady's recent decline in performance is the fact that he's been injured for a few weeks. The current injury report on Tom Brady lists his "right shoulder/rib/right finger", and those same areas have been on the injury report since the second week in December. I think that those injuries have contributed to his not-quite-as-spectacular performance of late. I wouldn't go so far as to say he's playing "poorly", but he's definitely not the Tom Brady of 2007. Time will tell if he can rally himself for the playoffs. I certainly hope so.

56 - Answers

[Editor's Note: Tim has been working on these answers for the better part of a month now. Unfortunately it's NaNoWriMo season again so he's more pressed for time than usual. Honestly I don't know what that man does with his time. He could be running a meth lab out of his basement for all I know. What I do know is that he finally came through with the second-longest set of answers in Ask Mitssob history. It's not his best work, but it'll do.]

Q: Bill - Why do trees rot from the inside out?
A: Despite several minutes of research on the topic I have no idea why trees rot from the inside out. I learned a bit about tree rot in general. Heart Rot Tree Disease, for example, "is caused by fungi which have entered the tree through open wounds and bare exposed wood." I also found this site that explains how to evaluate trunk cavities. I would guess the answer is that the rot attacks the oldest wood first, and that wood is found at the center of the tree. I suggest tracking down an arborist if you want a more complete answer.

Q: vanessa - Why do people carve pumpkins for Halloween? (I've actually heard 'why' but I'd like to see what you dig up!)
A: From the site PumpkinCarving101:

On this magical night, glowing jack-o-lanterns, carved from turnips or gourds, were set on porches and in windows to welcome deceased loved ones, but also to act as protection against malevolent spirits. Burning lumps of coal were used inside as a source of light, later to be replaced by candles.

Today people carve pumpkins as a way to celebrate the holiday, to enjoy the feeling of pumpkin guts on their hands, and to provide targets for malicious youths wishing to rebel against society by smashing the hard work of others.

Q: Eric Democko - What is the temperature in Honolulu in October?
A: It is a lovely mid-80s at the time I am writing this. The palm trees are swaying in a gentle breeze and the ocean looks like something out of a postcard.

Q: Bill - What do I do to make facebook applications with all these flash/java animations run faster on my computer? Is it RAM? Video Card? Processor?
A: There are a few things to do that can make your computer run faster.

1. Eliminate background processes. Things like virus scanners, search-engine-toolbars, etc can slow your computer down if there are enough of them.
2. Defragment your hard drive.
3. Uninstall programs that you no longer need or use.
4. Clean out your registry. [Ed. - Isn't he already married? Not that kind of registry, you computer-illiterate nay-sayer.]

This last one is something that I've overlooked in past conversations with you about this subject. The Windows registry is where applications store information that they use while running. When you first do an install of Windows your registry is fairly small and clean, but over time the registry can get bloated with extra information from old applications that you've uninstalled, or outdated information from applications you no longer use. As the registry grows larger and more complex it takes longer for applications and Windows itself to scan it and find the information that they need to run. Thus you should clean it out from time to time to help your computer run faster.

On that topic, while I was researching this question I found a utility called CCleaner. I used it on my Dell D600 laptop as a test to see if it would help make it run faster, and I have to say that it seems to have done the job well so far. It got rid of about 500MB worth of temporary files, plus it cleaned out 232 registry entries that were no longer needed. My laptop boots noticeably faster now and seems to run smoother too. I suggest giving it a shot. If you'd like a house call then let me know and I'll swing by sometime.

Q: Brett - I might have already asked this, but it is a good question; Do you think Bob Seger ever made it to Kathmandu?
A: You did in fact ask me this question earlier this year. It was part of Episode 43 of Ask Mitssob. As I said then, I do think that he made it.

Q: Brett - If I already asked that, then never mind, but here is a new question also concerning Mr. Seger: If Bob Seger was from Detroit, why did he call his band the Silver Bullet band? Was Bob Seger a werewolf hunter? Or just a fan of Coors Light?
A: I do not have the faintest idea why Bob Seger named one of his bands the Silver Bullet Band. It's entirely possible that he was a werewolf and/or vampire hunter and used the name of his band as a sort of reverse camouflage to deflect attention away from him. The name could also be meant to inspire vampire/werewolf hunters around the greater Detroit area.

I find it hard to believe that a love of Coors Light was the reason for the name of his band. For one thing, one of his early singles with the Silver Bullet Band was called "Get Out of Denver." Why would he advocate getting out of a place that produced the beer he'd named his band for? To paraphrase the Chewbacca defense, that does not make sense.

I think that it's more likely that the name of the band is a reference to the common meaning of the term "silver bullet", which is a one-shot, simple solution to a complex problem. Am I right? I have no idea. You'll have to ask Mr. Seger that question to get the real story.

Q: Jesse - how much sex is too much?
A: I made the mistake of asking my coworkers this question one night in Hawaii as we walked to dinner.

Coworker 1: If you start needing blue pills.
Coworker 2: If your genitals get covered in puss.

And those were the only two responses that I can actually post here. The rest were just too graphic for a family site. I'm trying hard to forget them myself.

The glib answer to this question would be, "Too much sex? What, are you crazy? There's no such thing!" In fact I think that there are definitely cases where there can be too much sex. For example, I've heard that if you are trying to conceive then too much sex can lead to diminishing returns, that is your odds of conceiving actually go down. That's one case where there is such a thing as too much sex.

Also, and not to get overly graphic here, but I imagine that the physical limitation on sex in the, um, lubrication department depends on each individual. I won't add any more to that. In fact, let's just move on.

There is also a psychological angle to this question. Sex is as much about the mind as it is the body. If you have lots of sex with multiple partners, aside from the obvious physical hazards from STDs, there is the danger of depression and other psychological ailments.

Ultimately it's dependent on too many variables to give a single answer. Normally this is the part of my answer where I'd say to go ahead and find out the limit for yourself, but in this case I'll hold back that advice. I'll just say that you should have as much sex as you and your partner are comfortable with. Good luck out there, people.

Q: Anonymous - mitsob, I am an average guy trying to seduce better than average women. Recently I was propositioned by one young lady to "Talk nerdy to me." What should I say?
A: Frankly I'm afraid to touch this question. I am both an acknowledged nerd and a well-below-average ladies man. In other words, I can speak nerd but can't guarantee that anything I come up with will help you make inroads with the opposite sex. So rather than strain my brain I will turn this answer over to my close personal friend the Internet.

First, I came across this article at DateHookup.com. It's got some good advice, including a couple of pickup lines like "Hey, we can make beautiful .wav files together." And speaking of pickup lines, a collection of 50 nerdy pickup lines can be found here. I just read them and am speechless. Some of them might actually work for you, amazing as that sounds. I found another good pickup line on twitter: hey babe, wanna come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til I google all over your facebook? Simple, direct, and clever. Finally, for more inspiration you might try reading the book "Talk Nerdy To Me" by Vicki Lewis Thompson.

By the way, if any of these lines work please let me know. I need all the help I can get.

Q: Jesse - what is a better way to wake up in the morning so I am not late to work?
A: Before I give my answer let me share a quick anecdote. I'm writing some of these answers from lovin' cup, a coffee/wine/beer bar and restaurant next to RIT's campus. It's a pleasant place to do a little writing, and I thought by coming here that I would be left alone. Well just as I started writing this answer a blonde haired young man with a scraggly beard and a Grateful Dead necklace moseyed over to me and asked what I was doing. I told him I was writing answers to questions, and that one was about how to wake up better. His suggestion was to "make sure some bitch is there to give you a fuckin' blowjob when you wake up." After giving that answer he drifted off, then came back asked me if I would like a Xanax to "help you mellow out." Judging from his demeanor I'd say he can't have many to spare.

Anyway, now that that's over with let me get on with the answer. I will divide up this answer into two categories: sleeping, and morning routine.

First, some suggestions on how to improve your sleeping routine:
- Go to bed earlier. An average adult requires at least 6 hours of sleep per night. If you're not getting that much then it can be harder to wake up.
- As Matt suggested: "Don't drink so much the night before." Alcohol can help you fall asleep faster but you won't sleep as deeply or as well, and thus will have a harder time waking up in the morning.
- Try reading for a while in bed before actually trying to sleep. It can help you relax and get you more ready for sleep.

Next, here are some ideas on how to change your routine so as to maximize the amount of time that you can stay in bed every morning.
- Shower the night before.
- Sleep in the clothes you plan on wearing to work the next day. That will save you at least a minute.
- If you bring your lunch with you to work, make it the night before.

Finally, it wouldn't be a true Ask Mitssob answer without some random silliness thrown in for good measure:
- Move closer to work.
- Sleep at your desk at night.
- Quit your job and work from home.

Q: Matt - What are your thoughts on Congress getting involved with sports? They had the giant steroids debacle, and now they're having hearings about NFL injuries. Should they be sticking to issues like fixing healthcare and the economy, or is this a legit topic for them?
A: I think that Congress should stay out of sports unless we allow those persons under investigation in sports the opportunity to meddle in the affairs of Congress. Seems fair to me.

On a more serious note I do not think that Congress should get involved in the issues surrounding injuries in the NFL. Professional sports in general are privately run and privately owned enterprises. Any issues that do not affect the public sphere should not be the business of Congress. Now, if an NFL team engages in criminal activity such as laundering money or murdering players who don't perform well then Congress would be right to investigate. But player health issues fall under the NFL's umbrella. If the NFL is not doing a good job of taking care of its players then that's an issue between the players and the NFL, not Congress.

More to the point, is it the role of Congress to look at these issues? The United States Constitution is pretty clear about the roles of the three branches of government. Nowhere is it mentioned that Congress should get involved in the recreational affairs of the citizens, nor in the legal business practices of private companies.

Q(A): Bill - NFL injuries? Really? I think they should mandate that quarterbacks not be treated like porcelain dolls. These roughing the quartback-contact to the head calls are getting ridiculous.
Q(B): Kristian - Aaron Rodgers got cracked in the helmet last night and nothing was called. I was shocked. And the reason they're treated like porcelain dolls is because of Brady.
A: I agree with both up to a point. Yes, quarterbacks are being overprotected in today's NFL, and yes, part of the reason that they're treated like "porcelain dolls" is because of the injury that Brady sustained last year. But why are quarterbacks being treated that way? The logic behind protecting quarterbacks is that they are generally the most visible and high-profile football players on any particular team. They often make the most money and thus represent the biggest investment a team makes as far as players go. So when a team's quarterback gets injured the team as a whole suffers greatly. Thus there is an interest on the part of the teams to lobby for greater protection of the quarterbacks.

Now, has the pendulum swung too far in the direction of quarterback protection? I think so, yes. Personally I'd like to see the line come down as follows:
1. A quarterback should be subject to the same "dirty hits" rules as every other player. Late hits, facemasks, spearing, etc. should be called the same regardless of what position you play.
2. Eliminate "roughing the passer" and "roughing the kicker" penalties altogether. Yes, they are in "helpless" positions from time to time. My answer: if you don't want to get hit then go be a golfer. Otherwise accept the fact that you play a rough sport.

Q: Kristian - Going along with the sports topic, why does Bud Selig not have a spine?
A: I am not exactly sure what you are referring to. If you wouldn't mind, could you give me some specific instance of his lacking a spine? I'm not trying to duck the question, but I don't want to answer until I know what you're asking about. Sorry. See you next time.

Q: Eric - instant replay in baseball: will it ever happen for more than just reviews of home runs? also, why do the umps in the world series suck so bad?
A: Instant replay in baseball will expand to other aspects of the game sooner rather than later. It might come as soon as next year but I would guess that it'll be more like three years before the next change in instant replay happens. The next area of the game to get attention will be calls on the bases, particularly close calls at first base and during steals, and also fair and foul balls.

As to why the umps in the world series suck so bad, I think it's a combination of factors. Despite the fact that we all want them to be perfect Umpires are human. They make mistakes. Did this world series contain more mistakes than normal? I know that it seemed that way judging from the quantity and voracity of reactions from fans of both teams. Another factor could be the crowds themselves. I think that umpires are more susceptible to pressure from a vocal crowd than they admit. And that's a very human reaction to their job. They want to make everyone happy, and I suspect that that failing contributes to some bad calls.

Finally, people of a more conspiratorial mindset than me will say that the umps are fudging calls in the game so as to give one team an advantage over another as part of a larger plan (such as making sure the series goes longer). I personally do not believe this, but I also know that there's a wide range of people who do. Maybe I'm looking at the sports world in general with rose colored glasses, but I believe that it's more likely that umpires either make mistakes or are influenced by a home crowd than in some grand conspiracy.

Q: Matt - The Sprint Cup series race at Talladega on the weekend was complete horseshit. A lot of people including myself blame the lack of exciting racing on the implementation of the restrictor plates designed to make the top speed slower and hence accidents that are less harsh. On the flipside, the cars are bunched up so close that now it's almost impossible to have a race without having one or more big big crashes. The Truck Series race was also held at the same track on the same weekend with much better racing and much fewer wrecks as well. So I ask, are the plates really doing that much good?
A: A disclaimer: I am not a racing fan. I know very little about the sport, and care about it even less. Normally I use "Ask Mitssob" as a way to expand my knowledge about a particular subject and come to some kind of educated and informed opinion about things I don't know much about. I confess that my desire to be educated on this subject is pretty low, so I'll be relying on common knowledge, intuition, and guesses for this answer.

As far a I can tell the rules in NASCAR are set up for two reasons. The first is safety. By limiting the top speed that a race car can be driven that means that the top speed that it can strike an object is limited and the risk of injury to the driver is reduced. The second reason to make the cars as equal as possible so that the race comes down to the driver. That's a very noble goal, but teams are going to try and bend those rules as much as possible to gain some kind of mechanical edge. The smarter the crew chief, the more likely that they will find some way to eek out an edge within the rules.

In my opinion when the rules of sports are rewritten to make things more "fair" then the sport itself tends to suffer. In the case of NASCAR the rules put in place to level the playing field are in fact creating more dangerous and less competitive conditions. Is that good? No, I don't think so.

Let me turn the question around and ask what the purpose of the restrictor plate really is. As you point out the cars have a lower top speed, but cars are more bunched up as a result. When cars are more bunched up there is a bigger danger of large and spectacular wrecks. Big crashes are one of the reasons that people tune in to watch racing. So it begs the question: could it be that the actual purpose is to cause more dangerous racing conditions? I know that sounds conspiratorial, but it's something to consider.

Q: Sarah LaBombard - Are you moving to Hawaii?
A: No. I enjoyed my three weeks in Hawaii very much. Ultimately, though, it reminded me that I am a cold weather creature. I have said before that I would have trouble living in a place that didn't have four seasons and three weeks in Hawaii did not change that. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast and I will certainly go back in the future, but as for a permanent relocation I will pass.

55 - Answers (Part 2)

Q: Rani - Yes, what are rapists and what do they rape for?
A: The dictionary defines a rapist as "one who commits rape". The first two definitions of the word "rape" are the ones that fit this discussion and are as follows:
1. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

So to be clear, a rapist is a person who forces sex on another person.

The second part of your question is more complex. I recently read a book called "Whoever Fights Monsters" by Robert K. Ressler. Mr. Ressler is the man who brought the art of profiling murderers to the FBI. He spent 20 years of his career interviewing serial killers and developing psychiatric profiles of them. It's a fascinating book and one I highly recommend.

So what does this have to do with rape? What I learned from reading this book is that many serial killers derive a sexual satisfaction from their murders. They do not fit in with society at large and with people in general. They still have the same urges as all humans, but because they do not fit in they have trouble finding outlets for that sexual energy. They will construct elaborate fantasies in their minds, then slowly build up to these fantasies. They will often return to the scene of the murder or keep certain things from the scene in order to relive the experience.

I also learned that many serial killers begin as rapists. Now, do all rapists become serial killers? No. I don't believe that even a majority of rapists are capable of morphing into serial killers. But I do believe that share some traits, most notably a less-than-human view of other people. If you do not believe that other people are in fact people then you will not treat them as such and will be more predisposed to take sex by force from them.

To pull it all together, my view is that rapists rape for sexual satisfaction which is caused by an inability to fit in with society at large.

Q: Jesse - How many more hockey players will rape minors before our season starts?
A: There was a story concerning this subject in early September. Three attendees of Clarkson's summer hockey camp were charged with having sex with a 16-year old without her consent. I am not certain whether it is one girl or several girls; the story doesn't explicitly say. One of the players has plead not guilty (I do not know about the other two).

It would make me happy to say that no more hockey players would rape minors before the season starts. And for all I know it's a true statement since additional incidents have not been reported by the local media. I believe that these three are the exception, not the rule. Am I being naive? Perhaps. Stories and rumors about the sexual escapades of hockey players are wide and varied. We'll have to follow this story to see if any other accounts of this kind of behavior surface.